Domestic violence victim-survivor Laura* cannot break ties with her alleged abuser until after their daughter reaches adulthood.
Warning: This article contains references to physical and emotional abuse.
Laura left Brett* a decade ago and claimed during their relationship he spat on her, beat her, threatened her and coerced her into sex.
During the relationship, Laura said she had more than 50 independent fractures and developed permanent muscle damage.
After they parted ways, police took out a family violence order, but Laura never attempted to have Brett charged, fearing it would aggravate the situation.
"I could barely cope with day-to-day life and the huge traumas … I just wanted to be done," she said.
During their time together, Laura alleged Brett drank heavily and was in car accidents under the influence, one occurring just after he dropped off their daughter, Isabella*.
Certain Brett would kill her one day, fear for Isabella's future care propelled Laura to leave.
"I thought if I die and Isabella doesn't die, who looks after Isabella? Because that's no life for her," she said.
Laura has never looked back, but it has offered no clean break.
Sole custody 'tough to achieve'
While Laura wanted sole custody, she did not apply for it in court because she didn't believe she would be successful.
Achieving an order for sole parental responsibility and for no contact with another parent is tough to achieve, according to Women's Legal Centre ACT principal solicitor Claudia Maclean.
"The primary considerations are the benefit of the child having a meaningful relationship with both parents and the need to protect the child from harm," she said.
"If those two ideas are in tension with each other … safety trumps the benefit of a child having a meaningful relationship with a parent if that person is unsafe. You need to show there's an unacceptable risk."
Laura now navigates the world of co-parenting, with Isabella in her care the majority of the time.
"Co-parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because I've had to put everything that happened to me to the side … to benefit her and to give her the best possible chance of having a good relationship with her dad," she said.
Laura said it was "rough" reconciling her own feelings and experience with Isabella's right to a relationship with her father.
"If he had nothing to do with her, it would be much, much easier, but I also know that if she had nothing to do with him, she would grow up resenting me," she said.
Even so, Laura fears for how it will affect Isabella as she grows older.
"He at one point drove up and smashed my windows with a knife, with her and I inside, and all she kept saying was 'Mum, that's my dad, why is he doing that?" she said.
"I don't doubt that at some point that's going to influence her, or at least make her fearful of men."
'I feel like I can't escape the relationship'
Laura is not alone in her experience.
Catherine* left her alleged abuser almost three years ago.
During their two-decade relationship, Catherine says she experienced emotional and psychological abuse, coercive control, alienation, gaslighting and sexual coercion.
She has not attempted to have George* convicted for family violence, but police have filed a family violence order.
Catherine claimed George* would have fits of rage in front of the children and would verbally abuse and sometimes hit them.
"My eldest, she'd just come out of the bath, she was only wrapped in a towel … and he was yelling and yelling and yelling at her … she was lying on the floor, she'd sort of stumbled backwards on her elbows, and he's over her, standing with his legs either side of hers, bending over her and screaming in her face," she said.
"He was red, he looked like he was uncontrollable … and she was just crying and begging him to stop.
"During the relationship, I very rarely left the kids alone in his care."
Their three children now live with Catherine, and George spends a day with them each week, as per an informal arrangement backed by lawyers.
Catherine is in two minds as to whether she wants her kids to have a relationship with their father.
"Ultimately, I would love my kids to have a relationship with a father who is loving and supportive and encouraging of them, but unfortunately, that's not what I have," she said.
"I feel a pressure to not speak badly about him, but because of my own experience of family violence growing up I also am adamant that I don't want to continue those patterns where behaviour was dismissed and I was told that I had to still love my father anyway."
Catherine said George showed little interest in the children, often cancelled or changed plans at the last minute or did not show up at all.
"I feel like I left the relationship, but I can't get out'
"I feel like because we have children together, I'm going to have a relationship with him until my youngest is 18."
Principal solicitor Claudia Maclean said a successful application for sole custody often depended on sufficient third-party evidence demonstrating that the child had been exposed to family violence, and its impact on them.
She said the courts could only work with the evidence before them but given the insidious and often hidden nature of family violence, it could be hard to prove that having a relationship with the other parent would present an unacceptable risk to the child.
Calls for more specialist support services
Engender Equality chief executive Alina Thomas said co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner could be "horrific" for victim-survivors and children.
She said perpetrators sometimes used children to instil fear and control, or tried to turn them against the other parent.
When victim-survivors chose to co-parent, Ms Thomas said it was often because they believed it was in the best interest of the children.
"There's the [idea that] … we have that obligation to the other parent, that they have a right to have a relationship with their child, and we want to be able to foster that," she said.
"We definitely hold on to that belief we have in society that an abusive partner can still be a good father."
Ms Thomas said victim-survivors sometimes chose to co-parent to avoid the "taxing" task of parenting on their own but there needed to be more specialist services to help victim-survivors manage the arrangement.
In Tasmania, mothers struggling with an abusive partner can access the Family Violence Counselling and Support Service, Engender Equality, Sage Choices, or Tasmania Aboriginal Legal Service's SiSTas, as well as 1800-RESPECT.
Free legal advice is available through Women's Legal Service Tasmania, Tasmania Legal Aid, or Tasmania Aboriginal Legal Service.
To obtain a family violence order, a victim-survivor needs to make a report with Tasmania Police, who investigate and then issue a Police Family Violence Order if satisfied of family violence.
If police believe there is a high risk of further offending, they can apply for a Family Violence Order in the Magistrates Court. Victim-survivors could also make a private application in the Magistrates Court.
'Safe, neutral spaces' for child changeover funded
In a statement, a spokesperson for Attorney-General Mark Dreyfus said the federal government had approved $40.7 million for 20 new Children's Contact Services, providing safe and neutral places for families to manage contact and child changeover arrangements.
Asked if it would provide more funding to specialist family violence services, specifically those supporting victim-survivors who co-parent, the Attorney-General's department said it would decide in future budgets.
"The government is committed to ensuring all Australians, particularly women and children, are able to live free from discrimination, violence and abuse, with access to a justice system that is responsive to their needs and diverse experiences," they said.
The department said it provided a range of services under the Family Relationship Services Program, which assisted separated families to resolve issues out of court and focus on the best interests of children.
It includes family law counselling, a parenting orders program, a program for supporting children after separation, and a confidential relationship advice line, among other services.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
