Parenting experts have revealed the 5 red-flag signs that you have unhealthy boundaries with your teenager - and #3 is so normalised, we never realised how detrimental it can be.
Parenting a teenager can be a whirlwind experience of ups and downs that leave parents with hundreds of questions in their heads; How do you talk to a teenager when they don’t want to listen? How independent should a teenager be? And, probably most often, what in the world does 'delulu' mean?
The confusing teenage slang kids love to use is just one of the ways they start to carve out their own identities, separating their generation from those that have come before as they push boundaries, create new ones, and perhaps overstep some of those put in place by their parents. But it's not just teens mistakenly crossing boundaries, parents of teens do so too - and sometimes in ways that experts have warned is 'unhealthy.'
Psychologist Meredith Sjoberg, speaking to HuffPost, revealed that there are some relatively normal-seeming behaviours that show parents may have unhealthy boundaries with their teens - boundaries that might even stop them from developing their much-needed autonomy.
So what are these red flags?
1. You remind your teen about deadlines - constantly. By stepping in and reminding teenagers of important deadlines, upcoming events, or even birthdays they shouldn't forget, parents can massively impact their understanding of consequences, Sjoberg says. Instead, teens need to experience what happens if they hand in an assignment late, or forget a friend's birthday, or are late to something important so they can get that experience first-hand and, hopefully, learn from it.
In a more positive light, parents may also need to recognise that their teen might be more capable than they think and that they don't need reminding at all!
2. You communicate on your child’s behalf. Crystal Sandiford, the director of college counselling and college transfer office coordinator at Bard High School Early College Queens in New York City, says that parents who are their child's 'mouthpiece' are not only signalling that they have a 'lack of confidence' in their child's own ability to communicate, but also deprive their teen of the ability to learn how to communicate.
In later years, teens may rely on their parents to handle difficult communications for them, something that is impractical for both the child and their parent. Instead, ease off the reins and let your teen learn how to fend for themselves in these situations, Sandiford adds.
3. You solve your teen's problems for them. It can be heartbreaking to see your teen upset. Whether it's over an argument with friends, a break-up, or a bad grade at school, it's tempting to try and fix it all so things will go away and your child will be happy again. But, Sjoberg says, by stepping in and offering solutions, you're depriving your teen of learning their own problem-solving skills.
“Building agency goes hand in hand with growing a student’s confidence,” Sandiford added.
4. You're overly involved in their schoolwork. In a similar way that solving a teen's problems for them is best avoided, so is getting overly involved in their schoolwork. The goal should always be to foster independence when it comes to learning, both experts say, and while offering a helping hand is always appreciated, you need to step back and let a teen figure some things out for themselves.
"I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m going to start helping you figure out what you need to do," is a term Sjoberg reccomends using, as well as “What do you think you need right now?” By engaging your child in this way, rather than stepping in and giving a solution to their struggle, you're helping them learn critical thinking skills as well as problem-solving ones.
5. You’re too involved in your teen's university application. “I’ve seen parents try to enter the college interview space either in person or virtually,” Deanna Dixon, dean of admission at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts revealed. She added that sometimes parents even let things slip like, “When we write the essay.”
This, she says, "Take[s] the ownership away from the student and discourage[s] students from using their own voice in the [univeristy application] process.” Not to mention it also looks bad to the university who now thinks, or knows, that this student can't do their work on their own.
In other family news, the NSPCC have called for a total ban on parents using physical punishment as concerns over children being smacked and hit triple in a year. And, Long Covid affects teens and children very differently, new study reveals - here’s everything parents need to know. Plus, we explore what's next for A-levels under the Labour government.
