Name: The beer tan.
Appearance: Bronzed and glowing.
Smell: Like a Tuesday morning Wetherspoon’s carpet.
Am I naive to think that a beer tan is something acquired in a beer garden? Oh, you mean the sun-kissed glow attained after a long, relaxing afternoon sitting outside a pub?
Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. OK, what if I told you the new beer tan craze originated on TikTok?
Oh dear – it’s going to be bad, isn’t it? No, this is TikTok. It’s going to be bad and dangerous.
All right, hit me. A beer tan is when you pour beer over yourself before going out in the sun.
Right. Why? Beer is made from hops, which supposedly help to activate melanin, which makes pale skin darker. “Best tan ever!” said one TikTok user, who is presumably drenched in beer all the time.
I guess young people are allowed to be stupid. I know, but there should be an upper limit. It has been pointed out, for instance, that dousing yourself in lager will attract stinging insects such as wasps and bees, so it increases the risk of injury.
That’s true. And, while some TikTok videos advocate the use of sunscreen with the beer, many do not. You don’t have to be a scientist to know that beer is not as effective against sunburn and skin cancer as a properly formulated sun protection lotion.
Yes, that is too stupid. One TikToker even claimed that using beer as a tanning agent was up there with olive oil. But they were effectively just a sentient blister at that point.
This sounds like the least responsible thing TikTok has ever done. Well, there was that week where it got everyone into sea shanties, but this is a close second.
Talk me through what to do on a hot day. All the normal things, you idiot. Stay in the shade. Make sure you are hydrated. Wear a hat. Use a high-SPF sun cream.
And beer? Don’t spray it on yourself as a tanning agent – I can’t believe I even have to say this. I bet you fell for the Tide Pod challenge as well.
What was that? Another terrible internet fad – young people were encouraged to eat detergent.
You mean like I’m doing now? You know what? Keep going. At this point it’s just natural selection.
Do say: “Pouring beer over yourself is a bad way to achieve a suntan.”
Don’t say: “Other than that, though, it’s a brilliant idea.”
