Distracted? Disorganised? Struggling to find your place in the world? ADHD is a condition we still don't know enough, especially when we try to understand how it affects adult women.
For author Alexandra Benedict, her diagnosis of autism and ADHD as an adult helped her make sense of her life - and understand her place in the world. Now her love of puzzles, which she uses as a way to relax and focus her 'flyaway' brain have made it into her latest book 'Murder on the Christmas Express'.
The rip-roaring thriller sees newly retired Det Insp Roz Parker on the last train to the Highlands before Christmas Day, as she moves back to Scotland to be closer to her pregnant daughter.
Fellow passengers include a group of students, a family of six and a reality TV couple. When the train gets stuck in a snowdrift and one of the passengers is found dead in a locked cabin, Roz is tasked with trying to solve the murder. But when another murder occurs, it looks like no one is safe.
The book is filled with anagrams and puzzles built into the story for readers to enjoy - but they also have a personal meaning. For Alexandra, a Wordle, Quordle, Spelling Bee, crosswords, Waffle, Heardle and sudoku, they help her calm her sometimes disruptive brain.
Speaking to the Mirror, Alexandra, of Eastbourne, lifted the lid on being diagnosed as an adult. Last year, a new report showed that there was a huge rise of 787 per cent in autism diagnoses in England between 1998 and 2018, largely owing to an increase in recognition - with many women finally getting a diagnosis.
Like many people diagnosed later in life, mum-of-one Alexandra had been searching for answers for a while, Often people struggle, thanks to dismissive healthcare professionals, an overburdened NHS and simplistic stereotypes meaning they didn't fit what officials thought people with autism and ADHD acted like.
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'I was diagnosed earlier this year after a lifetime of feeling ‘wrong’, and now I’m learning to accept myself, and work with, rather than against, my strengths,' says Alexandra.
'It's been an amazing journey, I don't think I have processed it correctly. I was going for EMDR treatment for PTSD I have following the birth of my baby - I had pre-eclampsia and she was premature, I touch on it in my book.
'I have a photographic memory and I can play memories from when I was three or four-years-old, it's brilliant when reliving great memories but extremely traumatic when reliving difficult ones.
'My therapist said that from the way I was processing the traumatic memories, it was very clear and vivid. Amongst other things, she thought I may be on the autistic spectrum.
'I had looked into it before, because people before have commented on my memory and my mannerisms could point to it. I did some online tests, but my empathy levels are very high, and I thought that may rule me out.
'I brought it up with my therapist, who told me it was a myth that autistic people cannot have empathy - sometimes it is the complete opposite and they over-empathise - and that clicked for me.
'I started looking into it, particularly how it presents in women and non-binary people and the difference of the research done now, compared to when I was younger.
'I was considered a very shy but hyper intelligent student, I used to hide in the school toilets to avoid things. I fell into books and other worlds, that was my comfort when I was very small and still is. I had films I'd watch again and again...anything other than life.
'So it was very classic symptoms of autism in women because we are socialised so differently and not allowed to melt down. I've burnt out many times and I've been diagnosed with ME, which a-lot of women with autism and ADHD are diagnosed with.
'The body shuts down as it can't cope to live in a world not meant for you.
'Now I am a lot less awful to myself, I'm kinder to myself. I now tend to feel proud of things I can do rather than berate myself for things I can't.
'Sometimes it's a choice between washing my hair and going for a walk. I used to try and push through, now I look at what would make me feel better. I can reframe everything. I've done really well to get where I am without being diagnosed, even though it is really hard.
Discussing her love of puzzles, she added: 'My brain never shuts up, it hates being still, while my body just wants to rest.
'Doing puzzles is a way to relax and focus my flyaway brain. By completing puzzles, my ADHD brain becomes one track for once, and I also get a hit of dopamine which helps me to achieve my writing tasks.
'I find them meditative and calming, especially as they have a definite answer, unlike so much of life. The effect is measurable too - I have high blood pressure and after a puzzle session it always reduces, along with my pulse rate.
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'I also learn 21 languages on Duolingo for the same reason - - I get rewarded with a dopamine hit while learning! I switch between languages so I never get bored.'
Her book was inspired by Agatha Christie - and follows her novel The Christmas Murder Game that was released last year.
Alexandra added: 'I'm obsessed with Agatha and the golden age of crime. I go to them for my general life advice.
'I love trains - as I'm autistic, I often get obsessed with things and I find out everything about them. So I thought I would do a contemporary take on Murder On The Orient Express, plus Strangers On A Train, while weaving in contemporary concerns.
'I always want to address what is going on underneath things, in the guises of cosy crime. It's important to me that other people see them recognised.'
Murder on the Christmas Express is out on November 10 and can be purchased here
