Get this. You’re still 20 points behind in the polls. Some even show you to be in third place behind Reform. Your personal popularity ratings are through the floor. There’s just four days in which to stave off complete humiliation before the election. And then you discover that the person Conservative HQ has chosen to represent the government on the Trevor Phillips Sunday morning politics show is Oliver Dowden. Time for the whisky and the revolver. Was he really the best anyone could find?
It’s hard to imagine a less dynamic performer than Olive. Even if you dosed him up with several lines of amphetamines you’d be hard pushed to find a pulse. The kindest thing that anyone has ever said about him is that he’s nice but dim. The sole reason he was made deputy prime minister is his gormlessness. Just making it through the day without getting lost is enough of a struggle for him, so there’s never been any danger of him plotting against anyone. He’s like a labrador with a lobotomy.
