Dear Leslie,
My life is a mess. Our only son is marrying a girl he met on the ward during his last hospital admission for the multiple mental health issues he says he doesn’t have. If she’s not already pregnant she will be soon, and while they think a baby will give them the so-called “normal” life they both desperately want, my husband and I fear we’ll be the ones picking up the pieces, including — at our age — fostering a young child. Please, is there any way to stop them?
Waiting for the Shoe to Drop in NSW
Dear Waiting,
This is a potentially hard situation. I say “potentially” because, while I can certainly see the source of your dread, none of the catastrophes you anticipate have happened yet and hopefully never will. Who knows? Perhaps the anticipated birth of a child will give your son and his new wife the motivation they need to do what’s required to be good parents.
But hope isn’t an action plan — I get that. Though, unfortunately, there aren’t many prevention strategies for avoiding babies being born to who you claim are at-risk parents. Not unless those parents choose these interventions — contraception, abortion or adoption — themselves.
If they don’t, the next option is for your son and his wife to voluntarily accept the support that would make them better parents. Assistance to achieve stability in their mental health, to get and stay off substances if that’s an issue and/or to learn basic parenting skills. This is probably something better suggested to them by a trusted GP or a hospital social worker than you or your spouse.
If this fails, or you’re still worried, you can make a prenatal report in NSW if you have reasonable grounds to suspect the child may be at risk of significant harm after birth. However, I’d stress that your son and his wife’s disabilities are not — on their own — grounds the courts will accept.
Which is a good thing in terms of eliminating unjustified discrimination against parents with disabilities. But it’s also a shame, because for parents who lack insight into the risks they pose, it would be a godsend to effectively compel them to accept the support and assistance that would reduce the risk that the child, once born, would need to be removed from their care. First and foremost, to them and their child. But to you and your husband, too.
No magic wand I’m afraid, but I wish you luck and hope this was at least a little helpful.
Leslie
Dear Leslie,
I’ve been eating chocolate in front of Netflix for the past two years after my cheating, freeloading, gaslighting ex-partner left to have a child with someone else right before the pandemic lockdown in February 2020. I get on the right track, walking for kilometres and eating right for a few weeks, and then it’s two-for-one Peanut M&M’s and I’m back in front of the tele again. I hate myself. What’s wrong with me, please?
Worthless in Elwood
Oh Darling, nothing!
If someone took your trust and betrayed it, made you feel crazy when you protested and then left you with sexually transmitted debt, he’s the villain of the piece, not you.
We are prone — as women — to turning anger in on ourselves, rather than the ratbags who wrong us. Of course we do! The social costs to women of anger are legion, for no other reason than men — who still run the place — find it terrifying.
But don’t let the male bullshit about angry women — we’re scorned and vengeful; unattractive bitches — snow you. Or let your slimeball ex suck one more ounce of the self-confidence and motivation you need to get off that couch and enjoy your life. Think about what you need to stop stuffing your feelings down with food, set aside that annoying inner voice that wonders if you really need and can afford it, whether you actually deserve it, and JUST GO GET IT.
I’m barracking for you.
Leslie
