DEAR ABBY: I have been married three years. The man I married is not the person I fell in love with. After our wedding, he demanded that I take his last name. I am proud of my last name, and I didn’t want to drop it. (If only that were the sole problem.) I am no longer allowed to go out to lunch with my friends or even to see my family unless it’s on one particular day. Abby, my family means a lot to me and my friends do, too.
I don’t like being controlled. I have tried talking to him about it, but he blames everything on me. He is old-fashioned, so all my time “needs” to be here at home. I have children outside of this marriage, and my husband insists he comes first, no matter what. I do not feel that way. My children always come before anyone.
How do I fix this? If I can’t resolve it, it means a DIVORCE. I don’t want that, but my children and my family matter, and I don’t believe a couple must spend every second together. Please give me your advice. — CONTROLLED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR CONTROLLED: Your husband has made clear that things are his way or the highway. He isn’t going to mellow. Please take the hint, contact a lawyer and set yourself free. The alternative is to continue being treated like a hostage.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law and her husband become very defensive when my wife or I try to suggest things we believe would benefit them. Not only are they not interested, but they complain that we are trying to run their lives. They tell us they are adults (both are in their mid-30s) and will live their lives the way they want. Both are stuck in low-paying jobs. They frequently ask us and other relatives for money, which we have given as we are able.
What really bothers us is the way they yell at their 4-year-old son. It has reached the point that when the parents yell at the child, the child yells back at them. I’d like to help them overcome their unwise, uncompassionate child-rearing strategy, but I’m afraid my sister-in-law will snap back that they will do as they wish. How can we approach them without becoming the bad guys? — WISE WIFE IN OREGON
DEAR WIFE: Many parents become upset when others start offering parenting advice or are critical of their poor parenting styles. Your sister-in-law falls squarely in this category. Although you mean well, your suggestions will be poorly received, so take my advice and don’t offer any. They are not interested. If physical abuse becomes part of their “child-rearing strategy,” report them to Child Protective Services immediately.
DEAR READERS: As I reflect back on this year, I would like to wish you a happy, healthy and successful 2024. Did 2023 fly by for you as quickly as it did for me? I will join you tonight in “toasting” a new year that, I pray, will be less stressful for all of us. If you are celebrating tonight, please take measures to protect not only your own health, but also the safety of others. Happy New Year, everyone! — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most frequently requested — poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
