DEAR ABBY: I am a married man (15 years) with three children, and I am a recovering alcoholic. My marriage has been a roller coaster filled with lies, infidelity (my wife’s), abuse and drinking. I am in an outpatient alcohol program to save myself, my family and my marriage.
My wife is talking to other men. She communicates via text, on social media and in person, saying it’s non-sexual. She constantly tells me they are better than I am, that I’m a loser and I’ll get what I deserve (meaning losing her and the children).
I still want to save my marriage. I know I have been a poor husband due to the drinking, but that is changing. I keep trying to convince her to give me a little time to prove that I can be a brand-new, sober, honest man. She says it’s too late and that I pushed her into the arms of others. She says she no longer loves me and is going to divorce me. She evidently has hired an attorney.
Our children beg her all the time to not divorce me, not to seek others and to let Dad show he is changing. I’m lost, angry, hurt and anxious. I want to save my family and somehow convince her that I’m better than the person she has seen. Is the trauma too much to overcome? — MIDDLE OF THE STORM
DEAR MIDDLE: Although you may desperately want to save your marriage, for your own sake, it’s time to face facts. Your wife has an attorney, plans to leave the marriage and is seeing other people. She’s no longer interested in saving the marriage.
That you are in a program to help you overcome your addiction is laudable, but paramount now is that you do everything you can to heal yourself. It will make you a better father to your children if you are fully present. You may need professional counseling to help you through this painful period so you can map out a better future for you and the kids.
Talk to an attorney for reassurance that your wife cannot take them from you. You already have their love. They see you are trying to better yourself. Let nothing stand in the way of that.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is addicted to our home security cameras. He, my 19-year-old daughter and I live in a townhouse, in which he has installed no fewer than 20 cameras in and around our home. He’s always looking at them, when I’m on my way out to run errands or to visit my older daughter and even while we are eating dinner. He has started keeping a log of my daughter’s and my activities and what our neighbors are doing. What is wrong with him? — UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNDER A MICROSCOPE: Does your husband have a job or any outside interests besides what you, your daughter and the neighbors are doing? His compulsion may be caused by insecurity, paranoia or a need to control.
Have you ASKED him why he feels the need to do this? While it’s not unusual for families to install security systems in their homes, your husband’s obsession is over the top. This isn’t normal behavior, and something may be wrong with him.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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