DEAR ABBY: My mother is still married to the man who molested my siblings and me. How do I forgive her and move past it?
We had a close mother-daughter relationship until two years ago, when I asked her why she was still married to the man her children told her repeatedly had molested them. She didn’t answer. She chose him, walked out and we haven’t spoken since.
It’s hard for me to deal with. I don’t understand, and I don’t know how to get past it. Not having your mother because she passes away is hard, but the feeling of not having her while she’s alive is a whole different kind of pain. — FULL OF PAIN IN TEXAS
DEAR FULL OF PAIN: In my opinion, not all sins are forgivable. Chief among them is turning a blind eye to children who are being sexually abused. Your mother made her choice years ago, and I can only imagine how hurtful it has been for you. An organization called R.A.I.N.N. (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) may be helpful because it can connect you with experienced therapists. (The website is rainn.org.)
The man to whom your mother has given her allegiance is a danger to the community. If he would abuse you and your siblings, he would have no compunction about doing it to other children given the opportunity. You (and your siblings) should notify the police about what happened to you because it could happen over and over again.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I went to his co-worker “Tina’s” house on a Friday night to socialize and play trivia games. We had been at her place before, for a Christmas party. Tina wore a short skirt, and when she sat down you could see all the way up to her black lace panties.
During our “heads-up” game she sat right across from my fiance. While people were laughing and having fun drinking and playing games, all I could notice were her panties and Tina’s loud laughs. She was drinking, and my fiance asked her, “Baby, are you feeling OK?” He said it loudly. Everyone heard it, and I felt myself getting really angry and red in the face. Why was he calling her Baby? We call each other that!
I don’t want to return to Tina’s house. My fiance says I overreacted. He doesn’t tell me about his goings-on at work or about friend hangouts. We usually go out together alone. When I think back on that night, I still feel upset about it. Are my feelings valid? Do you think we need couples therapy before we get married? — UNEASY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNEASY: Allow me to save you some money. Rather than tell your fiance you think you need couples counseling because his co-worker drinks too much, say instead you were not impressed by the performance Tina put on that evening, and you prefer the two of you skip game nights at her place and socialize with people with whom you have more in common.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in “What Every Teen Should Know.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
