A Co Down woman, who works as a social worker with Marie Curie, has opened up about the loss of her mum to cancer over five years ago.
Emma Smyth, from Ballynahinch, was speaking ahead of Marie Curie's third National Day of Reflection this Thursday, March 23.
The end-of-life charity is calling on people to come together to remember loved ones who’ve died, support everyone who is grieving and connect with each other.
Read more: NI man's monthly fundraising challenges for Marie Curie in memory of loved ones
Emma, 31, is a senior social worker at Marie Curie’s Belfast Hospice. She supports patients and their families both pre and post bereavement, from getting involved in the most practical arrangements of moving the patient from home to hospice or hospital to hospice and vice versa.
She also has arranged private events in the hospice for patients including weddings and anniversary dinners. Emma was working as a probation officer when her mother Daphne died from breast cancer in hospital on September 26, 2017, at the age of 66.
She explained: "I was a mother myself and my daughter Orlagh was just six. My mother only told us just how bad things were about a month after her breast cancer recurred again.
"She had breast cancer the previous year and was told she was all clear in August after a lumpectomy. But then by October or November of that year, she was having pain again. She wasn’t told until the following March that the cancer had returned.
"Within weeks, she learned the cancer had already spread and that she had the very aggressive Triple X cancer. So we knew fairly early on that her condition was terminal and she was offered palliative care chemotherapy.
"But they changed her on to chemo tablets as they discovered that it had gone into her liver. We honestly believe that it led to her liver and kidney function declining. She died a few months later, two weeks after she went into hospital."
Emma started to work for Marie Curie several years later in December 2019.
She said: "It was my experience of my mum’s death that was the catalyst for me moving into palliative care. It shifted the focus for me on what was important in my work life. The palliative care she received at the end was not good.
"She was not in the appropriate hospital ward to receive the appropriate end of life care. There was very little specialist input where she was and for how quickly she deteriorated.
"Having had a negative experience with my mother’s care where we felt very unsupported, it made me want to be part of a better way of supporting people.
"That experience gave me a lot of empathy and understanding of what patients and their loved ones go through. I feel I have a lot of personal experience to draw on and am able to identify with people and where they are at now.
"It’s made me cherish the time that I have with my own daughter as precious. While my mum is not physically here I see her in me as a mother. It gives me a lot of comfort sometimes when I go to say things to my daughter that make me sound exactly like my mum.
"It's just a reminder that she is a big part of my heart and the person I am today and her significance in shaping that. Her legacy to me, my daughter and my sister is immense. I feel that she’s never too far away from us.
"Many times throughout the day I catch myself thinking of her, in what she would have done or said in that situation or about a topic. Even when I see a robin, it reminds me that it was her favourite little bird.
"Sometimes when I go to a shop and spot a scarf that I know that’s really nice, I think ‘Mum would have loved that’. I’ve gone past the sadness of thinking I can’t buy that for her anymore as a gift on Mother’s Day just past.
"Now it’s me thinking I will buy it for myself in her memory as I know she would want me to buy something for myself. I see it as a therapeutic thing as while I can’t buy a present for my mum to enjoy."
Emma added: "Different events throughout the year prompt you to think about those you have lost but for me it can come on very unexpectedly like a memory coming up on Facebook like an old video that my mum commented on. Now I can remember them with a smile on my face instead of tears as time passes.
"I’m now five and a half years post bereavement, I can honestly say there are more good days than bad days in terms of being able to manage it. For me on our National Day of Reflection, I will be channelling my grief in being there for my daughter at all times, creating special memories with her and making sure she never forgets my mother.
"Grief is unique for everyone and is experienced differently with each loss. In many areas of life, the advice 'practice makes perfect' applies, however when thinking of grief and loss, the grieving experience can vary significantly even for the same individual at various points in their life.
"We all grieve differently, and no particular way is right or wrong. One of the most important messages I feel we can give, is not to grieve alone. Whether you can access support from friends, family, community support or professional services, the ability to share your loss in a safe space promotes better coping mechanisms and reduced isolation."
Marie Curie launched the National Day of Reflection in 2021 to remember those who died during the Covid-19 pandemic and to support those whose grief was affected by lockdown.
The National Day of Reflection takes place during Marie Curie’s Great Daffodil Appeal – their biggest annual fundraiser. This Thursday marks the third annual day of reflection on the anniversary of the first lockdown organised by the charity
Events this year will include nurses and staff at Marie Curie’s hospice in Belfast holding a minute’s silence at 12 noon in memory of all those people have died at the hospice.
This will be followed by a Candlelight Vigil at Belfast City Hall at 6.30pm. Belfast's Lord Mayor will lead a service organised by Memory Stones of Love, an organisation set up by bereaved families of Covid-19 to remember everyone lost during the pandemic.
There will be a one minute silence, names of those lost will be read out along with music and the City Hall will be illuminated in yellow. More details here.
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