PHILADELPHIA — Bartenders are the all-seeing oracles of romantic rendezvous. They observe countless dates, help save couples from floundering and can even be responsible for the sparks flying when people hit it off — as is the case for customers of Nico Diaz, the head bartender at Philadelphia's speakeasy-style bar Ranstead Room.
"Two of my regulars set up their friends on a first date and brought them to one of my cocktail workshops," said Diaz. "They hit it off super well — within a year they were living together. They came to celebrate their one-year anniversary with me at The Ranstead Room and now whenever their respective families come into town, they bring them here."
It pays off to be on the good side of your service-industry professional.
Bartenders witness first, last and worst dates every night. They're also there for the engagements, breakups and anniversaries. They've seen it all, so we spoke with local bartenders about their best dating advice from how much you should drink, to how to break the ice, and even some helpful tips for first dates. It's wisdom gleaned from the front lines of the battlefield of love.
Grab a stool, sit down and listen to the experts.
Read the room when it comes to drinking alcohol on dates
Mostly, don't get drunk on first or second dates. This should be an absolute no-brainer, but according to Philly bartenders, it's a faux pas that persists.
"I think the biggest red flags are always the people that are just way too hammered when they're with someone who is not on their level of drunkenness," said Bianca Solari, bartender at the Fairmount brewpub Bar Hygge.
Yes, a cocktail or wine can be nice social lubricant, but it's a blunt one, said Noah Hall, a bartender at Restaurant Aleksandar in Rittenhouse. "The more you drink decreases your empathy. That's not a great state to be in on a first date or just in general when you're meeting people for the first time, even outside of a potentially romantic context."
Don't ball out when you're on a budget. According to former bartender at El Vez and server at various restaurants in the city (who is now an intimacy coach), Jenna Strusowski, remembers one fateful night of a first (and definitely last) date that ended because someone didn't check the menu prices. The couple, a man and a woman, began the night with heavy cocktails and continued drinking when the house sommelier brought over the wine menu. The man chose a wine and the couple proceeded to drink the bottle until closing time — not knowing that the specific bottle of wine was $400.
"The look on their faces when they see the bill was (shock)" Strusowski said. "They started arguing and it becomes apparent that he forgot his credit card. She ended up paying for it. They leave me a cash tip and they walked out, but I noticed that they walk in two different directions."
It couldn't get worse, right? Wrong. "The guy comes back into the restaurant and takes the cash that they left for me on the table. I got a zero-dollar tip on a bill that was almost $1,000 — I couldn't believe it."
As much as we love a good citywide special, maybe save the shots for a later date — on the first date, it might send the wrong message, said Danny Childs, a bartender at Cherry Hill's The Farm and Fisherman.
"I don't know that it's wise to get a shot or a citywide on the first date," said Childs. "You might get weird looks from your new acquaintance. I think you should [get to know them] and order together. 'What do you like to drink? What do you like to eat?'"
Solari jokingly echoed Child's sentiment, "There's no first date that started with shots, that has ended with a very successful marriage."
Watch what you order, said John Doyle, bartender at McGillin's Olde Ale House, where the pickleback shot (whiskey chased with pickle juice) is popular. He had a couple on a first date order a pair of picklebacks. "I'm standing there, looking at the guy and I said, "Is this your girlfriend?" and the guy said they had just met. "Well, if you're going to kiss this young lady goodnight, you don't want pickle juice on your breath," he joked. "They both smiled and said, 'Give us a few shots of Fireball.'"
"There's no first date that started with shots, that has ended with a very successful marriage."
Bianca Solari, bartender at the Fairmount brewpub Bar Hygge
First date etiquette
Feeling nervous about sitting at a bar or restaurant for the first time meeting? Hall suggests doing something beforehand and capping it off at the bar or restaurant — that way you can break the ice early and have stuff to talk about.
"If you want to go out for food or drinks on a first date, consider the bar a secondary thing to do, not the first," said Hall. "I've seen it work best when people are on a first date and still kind of unfamiliar with each other — they arrive at the bar after doing something and that's the best icebreaker. As long as I've been bartending, I've only ever seen people on a first date leave the establishment together once."
Someone needs to get to the date venue early and secure a seat or table, said Solari. There's nothing worse than planning to meet at a packed bar and finding no available seats, or you're left to the dark corner near the bathrooms. Pro tip: Sitting at the bar opens up interactions with your bartender and is a more casual seating arrangement — but avoid sitting behind the bar tabs. Grab a table if you're looking for something more intimate and isolated, but there's less of a chance for a lifeline from the bartender if a date goes south.
Never order for your date. Do we even have to explain this one? According to Diaz, this comes off as disrespectful and is a major red flag. "Nobody wants to hear, 'I'll have the old fashioned and she'll have...' Please allow your date to order for themselves," said Diaz.
Stop talking so much and ask questions. According to Strusowski, the former bartender-turned-relationship and sex coach, a huge turn-off is someone who only talks about themselves. However, at the same time, Strusowski said giving someone the benefit of the doubt is always good practice, too. First dates are nerve-racking and they can make you feel insecure. That's OK, and sometimes we talk too fast or too much — but try to reel it in and ask questions about your date.
That being said, if your date is over-the-top ignoring you or offending you — it's okay to leave a date early. "If they're saying things that are offensive that just don't vibe with you, then you can even end the date right then and there," said Strusowski. "'Thank you so much for meeting up with me. I don't think there's a connection here. Good luck out there.' Don't sit around and wait for it to get worse."
Approaching someone you like at a bar
Never buy a drink and bring it over to someone else — it's not a good look. They didn't see who poured the drink and can't be certain it is safe to drink. You might be a person with great intentions, but they don't know that. Instead, ask your bartender to put the person's next drink of choice on your tab. (Let them choose, they may not drink alcohol, after all.)
Tell the truth about yourself. Doyle, who's been bartending at McGillin's for nearly 50 years, said you don't know if you might end up dating the person you're hitting on. "I'm sure there are people out there who embellish themselves and say things that aren't true, but if you continue dating, you don't want to have to step back and say, 'What I told you in the beginning wasn't true,'" he said.
Whenever a date or flirtatious situation gets unsafe or dangerous, order an "Angel Shot" from your bartender if needed. In Philadelphia, many bartenders know that this means you are currently being harassed and need help or a ride home.
You can clue your bartender in on the date
We're not suggesting you get your bartender to do the all work for you, but letting them know you're on a first date is always good practice.
"I don't think it would be a bad idea for people who are at the bar or sitting at a table to say, 'Just as a heads up, this is our first date, can you give us a little extra space or a little extra time?'" said Childs. "I think that that would be good etiquette rather than it falling on the service professional to kind of guess when the right time is to interject, take orders or ask how things are."
Likewise, Solari — who has helped customers propose to their partners before — said, "I think that if you get the bartenders on your side, you have a better chance — I'll put in a good word for you."
Bartenders might even be your matchmaker guardian angel. When a regular of Doyle's kept coming into McGillin's with her coworkers, some she said she had a crush on, Doyle let her know there was an even better guy out there waiting for her. Eventually, she met that special someone and married him. Later on, she came back into McGillin's with her father to share the good news — and to Doyle's surprise — her father was a years-long good friend of Doyle's.
Bottom line: When you let a bartender know you're on a date, they will help guide the conversation and jump in when things hit a lull.
And finally, the most important takeaway from our Philly bartenders is tip your bartender and treat service industry professionals right. "Nobody wants to date a cheapskate," Diaz joked.
