Former England fly-half Danny Cipriani has revealed how ex-Wales fitness coach Steve Black helped turn his life around after he attempted to buy a gun while having suicidal thoughts.
The charismatic Black, who passed away at the age of 64 earlier this year, worked as a fitness coach with Wales under Graham Henry as well as roles with Newcastle Falcons, the British and Irish Lions, Newcastle United and Sunderland. He also worked as a mentor for the likes of Johnny Wilkinson and Cipriani.
Speaking on the High Performance Podcast, Cipriani told the story of how he contemplated suicide at the age of 22 - s omething he had revealed previously following the death of TV presenter Caroline Flack, whom Cipriani had dated. Citing the pressures on young athletes, Cipriani explained that the ultimate cost can be someone's life before explaining his own experience of trying to buy a gun to end his life.
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"The cost of it (scrutiny) - it's people taking their lives," he said. "The cost of it is heavy and I lived through it with someone I care about, with Caroline and what she went through.
"She was feeling regret and shame. Everyone feels that, but because you're on this pedestal, you feel you can't talk about it. It's not real.
"I felt compelled after that to speak things that I had been holding back for a long time, because I didn't want people thinking that was the way out. When I was 22, I felt that was the way out. Suicide. That's the cost of it.
"For some people, it's fortunate that you meet someone or have an experience that means you don't go down that road.
"When I was 22, I was trying to buy a gun. The guy I was trying to buy it off was a bit of a gangster. I would try and get it and then cancel it.
"He didn't know why, but he just thought I wanted a gun. I kept saying yes, then saying no and bailing on him. That got him irate so he sold all the pictures and messages to the Sun newspaper.
"They wanted to do a front-page story - 'Danny Cipriani is trying to buy a gun'. My psychiatrist had to come in. They weren't allowed to print it as it was stopped by the psychiatrist. I'm glad it happened like that as the other way is the other way. Sport is beautiful as you can think about the next game, the next session."
Explaining how he lacked a paternal or maternal figure to help him through this period, he opened up about how he came to start seeing a psychiatrist. However, he would add that it wasn't until he met Black that he found someone who could relate to what he was going through.
"A lot of it (the issues at the time) was the feeling of walking down the street and people looking at you, having the feeling that people are saying negative things about you," he added. "Your self-worth is in the gutter.
"I realised I needed to speak to someone because I didn't have a maternal or paternal figure. I didn't have a brother.
"I had an unbelievable coach in Shaun Edwards who looked after me like a son. We spoke about a lot of things but taking that step to tell people (is something else).
"I knew I needed to go and see someone because of the thoughts I was having. Rugby was my escape and the easy bit. When it stopped, you're back into it. How do you figure yourself out?
"With the psychiatrist, it didn't feel relatable when someone is sitting there with a clipboard. The best thing for me is when I met Steve Black.
"He spoke on a human level and he saw me for me. We'd only just met and he was saying all these things that are relatable to me.
"Just in what he'd seen from me and my talent, saying I was a lovable guy. You don't feel yourself in those moments. I met Steve in Manchester.
"I thought we were going to meet for half an hour, we met for four hours. I came away thinking I love that man. Wow.
"We started our relationship where we'd meet and speak every week. You have to listen to what the voice inside is saying and realising that your thoughts aren't always true.
"He (Black) came into my life when I needed someone to show me love. Ultimately that's what it was."
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