Dame Deborah James's mum, Heather James, has spoken candidly about life after the loss of her daughter and the biggest struggle she's currently facing in her grief.
The 65-year-old appeared as a guest on a podcast called Open, in conversation with one of Deborah's friends, Emma Campbell.
During the honest 48-minute chat, Heather told how she has thrown herself into work since her daughter's death as she finds it easier to keep her mind "occupied".
"I do find at work, my mind gets thrown into work and as I work with children, it's happy and jolly and perhaps it's the wrong thing to do but keeping my mind occupied stops me from thinking about Deborah all the time," she admitted.
"Not that I don't want to think about her, but I want to not do it 24/7 because that's unhealthy as well."
Heather went on to share that she's currently trying to 'negotiate' the balance of enjoying life with the guilt that comes from doing so when someone you love is no longer here to do it too.
"It's negotiating the memory against living and that's very difficult. How much can you enjoy life? You should enjoy life and you should look forward, but I feel guilty. I'm sure loads of people feel like 'ooh I'm laughing, but I've just lost my daughter'.
"It helps that [Deborah] had that positivity and enthusiasm for life, as it would be more difficult without it.
"I think she prepared us for 'you're going to be sad, you're going to miss me, but you are actually going to get on and lead a life because life is so precious, so don't waste it'.
"Part of me would like to hide away and not have to face all this, but that's not what she would have wanted."
Podcast host Emma, who has been going through her own battle with cancer, agreed with Heather, adding that "there has to be room for joy amongst the dark".
The grandmother-of-four went on to share her 'agony' for her grandchildren, explaining that while she can deal with her own heartbreak, she's struggling to cope with the feelings she has about the sadness they're facing.
"What I've got to do is find a new normal.
"I'm still on that rollercoaster because I haven't found the balance of losing Deborah with throwing myself into work and the long-term of never seeing her again and that hurts but I don't want to think about it, because at the moment that's my way of coping. I just get on with it.
"I can live with my sadness, but I feel sadness for her children and that's an added agony for me. I know they'll be fine, they've got a wonderful father, but as a grandmother, my agony is for my grandchildren not having their mother, and that is a painful thing for me.
"I can't cope with the feelings, with the sadness of how I would have felt as a 12 or 14-year-old losing my mother.
"They are amazing and they say children are resilient and they are. They've got the family around them but it's just knowing how much Deborah will miss out on.
"The hurt and sadness will always be there, but what I have to keep saying to myself is the joy she gave to us when she was here was massive, she was different, she was a force of nature."
The pair also had a good chuckle while discussing Prince William's visit to the James household for tea back in May 2022.
Heather confessed that the visit was only confirmed at nine or 10pm the night before and she instantly panicked that her house wasn't fit for royalty.
"My initial thought was the lounge needs redecorating, but that's not going to be done. Then I looked at the holes in the sofa and threw some blankets over it," she recalls.
"We knew it was going to be forecast for good weather, so I think my husband and I and Deborah went 'let's all go outside' but then my husband pointed out we hadn't cut the grass. Then we realised the drive needed weeding.
"At 11pm at night I made my grandson come and weed the drive with me then by midnight we realised it was rididculous.
"What will be will be."
Despite the worry, all went well with the visit.
She added: "It was beautiful and we were very honoured to have him here and he made us feel very relaxed. What a special time for the family, we were very, very fortunate and we'll always remember it as a happy afternoon, even though Deborah was very poorly and we didn't think she'd last the weekend. But Deborah being Deborah, she did and it was beautiful. She wore what she wanted and Eloise did her hair. Everyone mucked in together and did their own thing."
Do you have a story to share? We want to hear all about it. Email courtney.pochin@mirror.co.uk
