Politics is a strange business. As a candidate in next Thursday’s Uxbridge and South Ruislip by-election and an 8ft-tall intergalactic space warrior from planet Sigma IX with a Lovejoy fixation, I’m arguably a case in point. But then again, maybe not. Britain has reached such a parlous state, voters are realising that the lunatic novelty candidates are the human ones in the boring suits. I’m the sane option.
In the course of my work conquering large parts of the omniverse, I’ve discovered the secret to political influence is time. It can turn once-colossal gures like Nibloz the Vain in the Sigma Quadrant or Tony Blair on Earth into haunted, Gollum-like husks. Conversely, it can turn Sir John Major into a wise elder statesman who’s occasionally worth listening to. Time’s warping effects are extraordinary. And in the beautiful constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip, above which I am hovering in my mothership as I write this, I’m now within a cyber-whisker of parliamentary power. The best things come to those who wait.
Back in December 2019, Boris Johnson (remember him?) was riding the crest of a wave, winning a landslide victory by claiming he had an ‘oven-ready’ Brexit deal. This, like so much Boris says, was a weapons-grade lie. As for me, despite having a far superior manifesto, including £1 trillion a week for the NHS and hiring 20,001 new police officers, at that election I mustered 69 votes. (I’d like to say I’m the first to experience a surprising 69 with Boris in a sports hall at 4am, but you never know.) Just three years since then, look what’s happened. Boris has been buried by the same avalanche of untruths that swept him into Downing Street. Meanwhile, I’ve become London’s ninth choice to be Mayor, winning 92,986 votes in 2021 to set a record for an alien candidate in an Earth election. Now a golden vacancy has arisen to replace Boris in Parliament. Inevitably, I’m the only credible successor.
There’ll be a general election next year anyway, so this by-election is a free hit!
I don’t say that lightly. Since the last election the Conservatives have mishandled a pandemic, broken the NHS, filled the seas with excrement, crashed the economy and been beaten by a lettuce. The behaviour of many MPs has been atrocious, including bullying, cronyism, drug use, failing to disclose tax affairs, sexual assault, trying to claim a speeding fine on expenses, watching porn at work and blaming it on tractors, and simply being Matt Hancock. They’ve made a mockery of politics. Now it’s time to take out the trash.
But to win, I’m not just relying on my opponents’ failures (take heed, Sir Keir). Sure, I’m the perfect choice for Uxbridgians and Southruislipites because amazingly I’m the ONLY candidate still standing from the 2019 election, but I also keep my promises. And here’s the clincher: there’ll be a general election next year anyway, so this by-election is a free hit! It’s a chance to show Westminster what people really think with the ultimate protest vote. Let Thursday 20 July be Bindependence Day! And then what? 2024 sees elections for Mayor of London, the UK Parliament and the US president. Move over Pep Guardiola. I’m going for the treble.
