It’s not always easy to get along with the in-laws. Some try their best to put these differences aside so they don’t evolve into a bigger conflict interfering with their life and marriage. However, not all are successful, despite their efforts.
One example is redditor Grace-Full4235, whose relationship with her mother-in-law reached a point where they weren’t even speaking. It got so bad that the wife demanded her husband to turn down any invitations to family functions where she wasn’t invited, including his mother’s wedding. However, he didn’t abide by her wishes, pushing her to cause ‘a scene.’
Having difficulties getting along with the in-laws can put a strain on marriage
Image credits: nd3000 / Envato (not the actual photo)
For this couple, a poor relationship with the mother-in-law resulted in a big fight and ruined MIL’s wedding
Image credits: Rawpixel / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Grace-Full4235
In-laws are often notoriously difficult to manage due to their tendency to have rather strange boundaries
Image credits: Mental Health America (MHA) / Envato (not the actual photo)
Relationship psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains that in-laws are often notoriously difficult to manage due to their tendency to have rather strange boundaries. “When an in-law enters a new family situation, he or she inherits those boundaries and the problems associated with those boundaries, [which] can manifest in lots of ways.”
For example, the mother-in-law could be making herself at home in her son’s kitchen, the father-in-law could be handing out unsolicited money advice, or they both might disagree with the way the couple raises kids. Such a lack of boundaries is typically enriched after a lifetime together as a family, which often means it’s impossible to change this configuration – hence the struggle.
Different views on how to manage things like holidays, visiting times, housekeeping, and even work balance can also contribute to a poor relationship. When expectations like these aren’t met, at either end, they become a breeding ground for negative emotions.
“Unmet expectations strain all relationships, but the stakes are high in in-law relationships because they are stakeholders in your marriage, and your children if you decide to have them, as well as your household and even issues like finances,” says Dr. Durvasula.
Maintaining a respectful relationship between both parties can save the marriage and a lot of trouble in the future
Image credits: Drew Rae / Pexels (not the actual photo)
In an attempt to bridge the gap between different views, Dr. Durvasula advises making sure that both partners are on the same page about topics that are especially controversial to the in-laws. “A united front makes a huge difference,” says Dr. Durvasula.
Otherwise, it’s not going to be easy to figure things out on the spot while disagreeing with them. “If you and your spouse are on the same page, then you can take the path of least resistance with in-laws and just smile politely and say ‘sure,’ but then do things the way that you and your spouse believe is appropriate for your relationship.”
While one might not form a loving bond with their in-laws, maintaining a respectful relationship and keeping the tension at a minimum between both parties can save the marriage and trouble in the future. It can be undeniably difficult to spend time with them if you don’t particularly enjoy their company. Therefore, Dr. Durvasula advises preparing yourself mentally.
This means that if your father-in-law always brings up politics or your mother-in-law makes backhanded compliments, don’t expect anything new the next time you see them. “If you are mentally prepared for their nonsense, it may still hurt, but it won’t be startling,” she says. “It’s like putting on a heavy coat on a very cold day, it’s still chilly, but at least you are prepared and can endure it for a little while.”
She also recommends avoiding sensitive topics and sticking to neutral ones. When any triggering subject comes up, try diversion. A great default point to discuss could be anything about your partner, from their achievements to the latest life updates. This can be an easy way to connect and change the tone of any interaction.
Kindness and empathy can be useful tools in maintaining respectful relationships with in-laws, too. Dr. Durvasula suggests complimenting them right off the gate, which can easily buy a few hours of tension-free time. It may feel disingenuous, but finding something nice to say about someone should not be hard. “Even if the in-laws are gunning for a fight, you can snip those wires,” she adds. Meanwhile, staying curious and trying to understand where their behavior is coming from can diminish the impact they have on your life.
The author was unanimously titled as wrong
In fact, readers thought that both the wife and the husband were jerks
