Every day now seems to hold some fresh, grim reminder that the American government is run by three children stacked inside a trench coat. No other explanation could plausibly explain the antics and hypocrisy we’re forced to endure.
After four long years of the presidency from hell, Americans found out about the obscene number of top secret and classified documents found at former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort — more than 300, lying about in open boxes — when he brazenly ignored a subpoena and the estate was searched by the FBI.
And yet, Trump still swaggers around his golf courses, calling his minions to sway House votes and announcing he will run for the presidency again.
Now, President Joe Biden — or, as I like to call him, President Placeholder — has been “caught” with around a dozen top secret and classified documents in a private office that he used before beginning his 2020 campaign as well as at his residence in Wilmington, Delaware. Biden is cooperating with investigators, or so we’re told, by White House lawyers desperate to spin this as the act of a good American Boy Scout who always behaves with honor.
Yet the conservative right, so unburdened by intellect, is ever eager to use Biden’s troubles to lift their fallen orange hero by any means necessary.
Even three children in a trench coat could see that Biden’s crime doesn’t compare to Trump’s, but facts bear no weight in this country, as the near-cultist right stopped listening to reason long ago.
Because the most basic facts of the case use the same three words as Trump’s staggering treason pared down for an illiterate audience (“classified,” “documents” and “criminal”), we now have to litigate Biden’s actions in the same way reasonable Americans could only hope to ever litigate Trump’s … if he ever stopped kicking long enough for FBI agents to get a hold of his legs.
And the same man who refused to investigate Trump until nearly two years after the Mar-a-Lago documents were found, and who all but fully relinquished the Department of Justice’s role in investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, coup to a select committee, has now moved with alarming alacrity to launch a special investigation into Biden, all in less than two months. It’s good to know that Attorney General Merrick Garland can move faster than he has been, but he really ought to see a doctor — these dramatic stops and starts must be wrecking his knees.
The only comparison that can be made between Trump and Biden is that they’re both incredibly powerful and think they’re invincible … probably because the world has shown them over and over that powerful people are invincible.
They all do it, and we all know they do it. Nixon. Clinton. Trump. Biden. Petraeus to name a few.
Except that Biden’s actions seem to elicit more of a “He should have known better” sigh; it’s a decision that still reeks of poor choices and exceptionalism, but not in an “Oh my god, he’s probably selling state secrets to the Russians,” Trumpian kind of way.
Trump is a grifter, a con man and a liar who slid into office on the back of the Electoral College and copious amounts of tanning oil. Biden was the best the Democrats could offer after four years of ungodly horrors. He landed the job solely because of his connection to the now-termed-out (but weirdly beloved) Barack Obama. , Let’s be honest: Would it be surprising if some classified documents were found stuffed in Obama’s sock drawer? No.
All these men deserve what they get. The problem is, they won’t get what they deserve.
Reality Winner (remember that name?), a former U.S. intelligence contractor who leaked a single classified report on Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, served more than four years in prison for the crime. Trump was found with thousands of documents. Biden was just found with at least a dozen. By the laws of the United States, both of them ought to be shamed, and held accountable along with every staffer who helped them.
But they’re too big to fail. And thankfully, Americans are easy to fool. Hand us a piece of juicy, plausible drama with just enough references to a past plot line — preferably with a soupçon of celebrity — and we’ll eat it faster than a free churro at Disneyland, right before moving on to the next food stall.
Watergate wasn’t a scandal because of the 15 minutes of missing tape but because the drama was better than any soap opera network television could hope to offer. Hillary’s emails weren’t the problem so much as the catalyst for a catchy viral phrase Trumpians coined that cemented her persona in the American public as untrustworthy.
This scandal, too, is just another political show that Americans will move on from as soon as Biden proves … whatever his fancy lawyers tell him to say, I guess. And then Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert will say something dumb on Twitter again and we’ll have something new to fill our time with.
The real lesson here is that if you have enough money and power, nothing matters. Not even making off with state secrets.
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ABOUT THE WRITER
Robin Epley is an opinion writer for The Sacramento Bee
