The time has arrived once again when many of your loved ones may be preparing to spend the next three to four months obsessing over college football. Maybe you’re one of those people who has better things to do with your time, like watching Tim Robinson’s sketch comedy magnum opus I Think You Should Leave for the 17th time in its entirety, leaving you no time to research all these teams running around your television screen. We’re here to change that.
For educational purposes, we’ve assembled a primer to familiarize you with the top 25 teams in the USA TODAY Sports Coaches Poll by showing you each team’s best comparison in the world of I Think You Should Leave. Pay attention and don’t get distracted, I don’t want hear any jokes about it. I DON’T WANT ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE RANKINGS.
1
Georgia - Turbo Team
Has this ever happened to you? You found yourself having one of the most memorable seasons in your school’s history, with fan excitement through the roof. Then a bunch of guys in red and black show up and for over three hours they take turns going on and off the field absolutely destroying all your hopes and dreams?
2
Michigan - Grambles Lorelei Lounge
Michigan will spend the first several weeks of the season without its beloved mentor, who couldn’t help himself from devouring one too many burgers. The NCAA refused to listen when he insisted “I’m just joking!”
3
Alabama - Focus Group
Everyone thinks they have good ideas but Nick Saban continues to return year after year to make us all look like fools. Does he have one more bottle flip in him?
4
Ohio State - Diner Wink
You’re never one-upping them, no matter what. Stop trying.
5
LSU - Baby of the Year
Brian Kelly is the Bart Harley Jarvis of college football: he’s become highly competitive almost immediately, he looks a lot tougher than he is, and everyone seems to hate him.
6
USC - Drive Thru
55 TOUCHDOWNS, 55 COMPLETIONS, 55 FIELD GOALS, 55 RUSHING ATTEMPTS, 55 SCORING DRIVES, 55 POINTS PER GAME ALLOWED BY THE DEFENSE!
7
Penn State - Mortal Enemies
They’re really excited by the idea of having an arch-rival but nobody else seems interested in taking on the position.
8
Florida State - The Driving Crooner
They really want to find a way to make money on this thing.
9
Clemson - Calico Cut Pants
After being late to the party regarding the NIL revolution, Clemson is letting its boosters know: you gotta give to the system.
10
Tennessee - Dan Flashes
Sure, the Vols spent all their per diem on offense. But the passing patterns are so complicated! This one isn’t even that complicated and it’s still nuts!
11
Washington - Eggman Game
They don’t have any idea what’s going on, they’ve never gotten here before.
12
Texas - Nachos
Texas really needs the refs to tell their friends to stop doing the horns down. Just say the conference has a rule.
13
Notre Dame - First Date
Being independent is great, but what if you could also be in a conference, too?
14
Utah - The Man
Utah has spent decades plotting to terrorize USC only to watch the Trojans put on headphones and bolt to the Big Ten once the moment finally arrives.
15
Oregon - Talk About My Kids
The Big Ten won’t stop talking about expansion and that has left Oregon in the surprising position of suddenly being the most popular guy here now.
16
TCU - The Day That Robert Palins Murdered Me
Texas and Oklahoma show up season after season with a cold stare in their eyes, deadly serious about their intentions to win the Big 12. Then TCU cuts in and starts singing an unexpected and somewhat nonsensical song instead.
17
Kansas State - Choking
Kansas State insists they are not choking again. They would never do that on the biggest stage against star opponents.
18
Oregon State - ABX Heart Monitor
We actually want to go to the ACC even more than they want to go to the Big Ten.
19
Oklahoma - Barley Tonight
If you point out that Oklahoma went 0-5 in close games last season, they are simply going to start typing furiously on their phones.
20
North Carolina - Photo Booth
An absolute disaster of a scenario but in the middle of it all is a star (Drake Maye) giving it his all.
21
Wisconsin - Baby Cries
Saturday nights at Camp Randall, sloppy tots at Der Rathskeller, losing to Illinois by two touchdowns. Yeah, those were some dangerous nights. We used to be mediocre. I said USED TO! People can change.
22
Ole Miss - Corncob TV
They’re saying Ole Miss football is not even a show. It’s just hours and hours of some guys in blue alternating between being totally spectacular and hilariously incompetent. I don’t know what to tell ya, bud! We’re just shooting the games and showing the ones where the dumb stuff happens!
23
Tulane - Summer Loving
Tulane, I kind of feel like you’re just here for the zip line. All you do all day is have fun and run awesome plays. I like that you can beat USC in a bowl game. I’m trying to remember if you did anything else with the group…
24
Texas Tech - Parking Lot
“What is your problem, man? Do you not know how to pass block?”
No…I don’t know how to pass block. I gave up 41 sacks last season. I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared. NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW TO DO EVERYTHING, PASS BLOCKING IS HARD!
25
Texas A&M - Party House
I’ll never forget the day that I told you I hired Bobby Petrino to be offensive coordinator. You just sat there, stared at me. Like I didn’t just tell you I hired Bobby Petrino. Oh, and I read your email when you told me I wasted all my money hiring Jimbo Fisher and how it’s all I talk about.
