Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert tore into Maga loyalist Marjorie Taylor Greene on Monday evening, days after the Georgia congresswoman told a meeting of the New York Young Republicans Club that if she and Steve Bannon had organized the January 6 insurrection, “we would have won. Not to mention, it would’ve been armed.”
“So by ‘we’ she means the rioters and ‘would’ve won’ she means … overthrown the government?” the Late Show host wondered. “So siding with the bad guys.”
“What’s it like to watch movies with her?” he added, mimicking Greene: “I’m not sure what Jurassic means, but I can tell you, if Steve Bannon and I had been on that island, we would’ve eaten Laura Dern and Sam Neill for sure.”
Colbert also mocked Kyrsten Sinema’s decision to leave the Democratic party and register as an independent. “That is shocking – Kyrsten Sinema was a Democrat?” Colbert said of the Arizona senator, long a thorn in the side of Senate Democrats.
Sinema’s announced her decision days after Raphael Warnock won the Georgia runoff election, securing a clear Democratic majority in the Senate. “Naturally, Sinema decided to make it about her,” said Colbert. “She’s like the person who shows up to your wedding wearing white, or goes to your funeral in a coffin.”
“This is huge news, and would be even bigger if it changed anything,” he continued, as Sinema said she intends to keep her same committee assignments, continue caucusing with the Democrats, and assured Arizonans that “nothing will change about my values or behavior”.
“So rest assured: she may be an independent now, but she still suuuuuuucks,” said Colbert.
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers checked in on Donald Trump, who has been holed up at Mar-a-Lago since announcing his 2024 bid, other than to play golf at a course across a lake. “Fine, he’s a 76-year-old former business idiot from Queens,” Meyers said. “That’s what he should be doing: playing golf in Florida and watching Yellowstone on an 80in TV with his remote Velcroed to the coffee table.”
Meyers reiterated that Trump’s isolation started after his 2024 bid for the presidency. “It’s one thing to say, ‘I just lost my re-election bid, I’m going to take some time for myself and then go into seclusion,’ but it’s crazy to do it after announcing you’re running for the most powerful office in the world,” he said. “He probably just lies in bed all day with noise cancelling headphones on listening to his old speeches.”
Meyers also roasted GOP politicians leaning harder into the Maga-verse, such as Greene. In Manhattan over the weekend, Greene claimed she had nothing to do with January 6th by arguing that it couldn’t have been planned by conservatives if they weren’t armed. “That’s the whole joke, isn’t it? They say that whole thing was planned, and I’m like, are you kidding me?” she said. “A bunch of conservatives, second amendment supporters, went into the Capitol without guns and they think that we organized that? I don’t think so.”
“You see, the joke is conservatives are such bloodthirsty psychopaths, if they had actually planned the insurrection on the Capitol, it would’ve been way more violent,” Meyers mocked. “That’s like if Holiday Inn ran an ad that said ‘if White Lotus took place here, a LOT more people would have died!’”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel explained how Elon Musk “seems to be content filling the troll hole vacated by Donald Trump”. The new Twitter CEO tweeted on Sunday: “My pronouns are Prosecute/Fauci.”
“Which, on top of being small-minded, lowest-common denominator garbage and spreading false and dangerous conspiracy theories against a doctor who works for our good, is also just a terrible joke,” said Kimmel. “It’s like a joke generated by AI – it doesn’t make any sense.
“It’s exactly the kind of joke you’d expect from a guy who named his son after the bottom row of an eye chart.”
Kimmel explained that didn’t just have a problem with Musk for no reason. “It’s not Elon specifically. I have a problem with any richest man in the world who comes to this country to casually slander a doctor who devoted his entire life to protecting our children from HIV and Covid and Zika and swine flu and Ebola while you’re off playing grab-ass with Trump and firing rockets into space to prove your penis works.”
“As long as he’s attacking and spreading lies about decent Americans who’ve been doing his best to protect the world since before this vomit casserole was born, I got no love for Elon, bro,” he added.
