Stephen Colbert
Though the Late Show taped hours before results were tallied in the Georgia runoff election, Stephen Colbert projected that “self-aware cinderblock” Herschel Walker “did not belong in the Senate”.
“The US Senate is no place for people whose brains don’t work because of football injuries,” he said on Tuesday evening. “It’s a place for people whose brains don’t work because they’re 1,000 years old.”
Walker, the Republican backed by Donald Trump, went into election day trailing in the polls behind Democratic rival Raphael Warnock, who was declared the victor late on Tuesday night. “It’s not like Herschel didn’t try,” said Colbert. “He spent years fathering as many voters as possible.”
In other news, former Capitol police officers who defended lawmakers during the January 6 insurrection received a Congressional Gold Medal on Tuesday. Several family members in attendance refused to shake hands with the GOP lawmakers Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy because, as one put it: “they’re just two-faced … I’m just tired of them standing there and saying how wonderful the Capitol police is and then they turn around and go down to Mar-a-Lago and kiss his ring.”
“And by ring, of course, she means his … how do I put this delicately … butthole,” Colbert quipped.
And a jury in New York found two of Trump’s companies guilty of 17 counts of tax fraud and other crimes. “Oh Santa, you got my letter!” Colbert exclaimed. “I’ve never been more excited to talk about complex financial crimes.”
The verdict acknowledged a series of schemes that included under-the-table perks like luxury cars and free apartments. “Because nothing makes you look less guilty than giving all of your execs a getaway car and a hideout,” Colbert noted.
Trevor Noah
Isn't it funny how all of Trump Org's success was due to Trump's genius, and all the crimes he had no idea about? pic.twitter.com/QzL0EW9go9
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) December 7, 2022
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah also touched on the Trump Organization’s conviction on 17 counts of tax fraud and other financial crimes. “And you know what that means – Donald Trump is going to prison! To visit all the lower-ranking people who did this without his knowledge or permission,” he said.
“Because we all know that’s how that works in the world, right?” he continued. “All the successes in the Trump Organization, they’re due to the genius of Donald Trump. All the crimes, he had no idea.”
Noah then pivoted to talking about wage theft by large corporations, or when companies avoid paying workers what they are legally owed for time spent working. Several companies have been legally forced to pay stolen wages via class-action lawsuits: McDonald’s agreed to pay $26m to settle accusations of wage theft in a class-action lawsuit by employees in California. Walmart was ordered to pay $4.6m in backpay and damages to more than 4,500 employees. Amazon settled a wage theft lawsuit for $8.2m, and KrispyKreme was ordered to pay $1.1m after investigators found widespread and frequent failure to pay workers.
“Huh, that’s so strange – all of this theft occurred, but there’s no mention of anyone going to jail. But then how will they learn their lesson?” Noah mocked. “Oh and before you say, ‘Trevor, you can’t put a corporation in jail’ – says who? They always say corporations are people, so why doesn’t America treat them like American people?
“Every single time a company gets busted stealing their workers’ wages, you know what they should do? They should say that the company’s headquarters need to be taken to prison,” he added. “You hear that, Amazon? Same-day delivery is gonna be a lot harder when you have to smuggle that air fryer in your butthole.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel recapped the final campaign push of the Georgia run-off between Walker and Warnock. “Usually during the final push, [Walker] is miles away from the hospital at a Waffle House telling a waitress she’s the one,” he joked.
“Even though he’s a beloved local football hero, Herschel Walker has not exactly inspired passion among Republican voters,” he continued. “You go down a list of what their party supposedly values most” and it doesn’t seem to align. Family values? “He’s a serial domestic abuser with more kids than a Dave & Buster’s on a Saturday at noon.” Charity? “He claimed his company gave 15% of their profits to charity; three of the four charities listed on his website said he gave nothing, the other said no comment.”
Pro-life? “He was Planned Parenthood’s customer of year, I think.” Pro-law enforcement? “He lied about being a cop, an FBI agent, exaggerated his non-existent military service.” Pro-Georgia? “He himself mistakenly admitted he lives in Texas, not Georgia. But he did play football, that is true.”
