Name: Cocaine sharks.
Age: Juvenile and upwards.
Appearance: Aggressive and unblinking.
Oh, I think I saw this film. There’s a chance. A low-budget horror called Cocaine Shark was released last year, directed by Mark Polonia, the man behind titles such as Shark Encounters of the Third Kind, Cocaine Werewolf and the upcoming Jurassic Exorcist.
Are these real films? Yes, but that isn’t what we’re here to talk about today. Forget the movies. There are real sharks on real cocaine in the Atlantic Ocean.
Legends? No. Marine biologists in Brazil tested 13 sharks near Rio de Janeiro, and found that they all had high levels of cocaine in their muscles and livers.
Warm weather and free drugs? Lucky sharks. Listen, this is serious. The scientists responsible think that the cocaine either came from drainage from illegal cocaine manufacturing labs, or from the excrement of cocaine users that entered the waters in the form of untreated sewage.
Tell you what, sharks must go absolutely bonkers on coke. The scientists were unable to discern any behavioural changes in the sharks, but they do think that it is affecting their eyesight, which makes them less efficient hunters, which means that they will almost certainly die young.
Oh. That doesn’t sound as much fun as Cocaine Bear. What, the Elizabeth Banks film about a bear that ingested industrial amounts of cocaine and then went on a hilarious rampage?
Yeah. The one loosely based on a real story in which a bear ingested industrial amounts of cocaine and then died alone in confused agony, due to a combination of cerebral haemorrhaging, respiratory failure, hyperthermia, renal failure, heart failure and stroke?
Is that actually what happened? Yes.
That’s actually a bit of a bummer. This whole thing is a bit of a bummer. And it’s happening everywhere. In Hampshire, untreated sewage entering the sea has led to a surge of crabs, shrimp, oysters, limpets and worms with traces of cocaine, amphetamine, MDMA and antidepressants in their systems.
Crikey. Last year, an illegally bred serval cat was found with cocaine in its system in Cincinnati. And, in 2005 it was reported that squirrels in Brixton may have accidentally ingested crack cocaine.
I wish I hadn’t read this now. It’s never as funny as it first seems, is it? But don’t worry, there’s a big market for films about animals on drugs now. I’m sure Crack Squirrel will be a big hit. Citalopram Limpet, maybe not so much.
Do say: “Untreated sewage is poisoning wildlife with cocaine.”
Don’t say: “Could we maybe dump some cannabis into the sea to calm them all down a bit?”
