A Co Armagh mum has opened up about her struggles with post-natal depression after the birth of her twin babies.
When Jenny Hamill fell pregnant, she found out she was expecting double the love at a six-week scan. The emotions associated with pregnancy followed - nerves, excitement, anticipation for what their new life would look like - but the expectation of endless happiness was far from reality for Jenny.
Speaking to Belfast Live, the 32-year-old explained that a medical emergency quickly after her baby girl and boy's births started her trauma which would spiral deeper as weeks went on.
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"It was my first pregnancy and everything was healthy," she said.
"The only reason that I was deemed high risk was because I was expecting twins. We opted for a planned section because my wee boy was head down the entire time, and I was going to try myself, and then he done a flip. I wanted to avoid a section, but I went with it and made peace with that.
"I went in for the section and it was lovely. When in recovery, I had Neansaí on me, my daughter, and then the midwife did my obs as normal. My tea and toast came out and then they put Neansaí into the incubator with Senan and they checked and I was haemorrhaging. The next things I knew, I was being prepped for a second surgery.
"When on the bed, I asked my anaesthetists if I was going to die. He said 'I can't tell you that you're not, but you are losing a lot of blood very quickly and we will do our best'. I said my goodbyes to my husband and the babies.
"The surgery was six hours long, and they made the decision to move me to ICU where I was fitted with a ventilator. I has 12 blood transfusions and wasn't physically fit to hold the children. That is where my trauma started. I felt that my body had failed me, and not done what a woman's body should do.
"They tell you to expect the baby blues on day five, which I did get. I thought 'I have day five over me, I'll be grand'. But the days soon turned into weeks and I wasn't feeling any better, in fact, I was progressively getting lower. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. I had two beautiful babies. I survived."
Jenny says her trauma began at the birth in August 2022. She slowly became worse, feeling low and seeking help from medical professionals. Having suffering with mental health prior to pregnancy and motherhood, Jenny has always been on medication and says she done everything she was advised to do, but nothing was improving.
"I wasn't able to cope and I just felt so lonely, even though I had mountains of support in family and friends," she added.
"That support network didn't take away from my feelings of isolation. I felt guilty, and that then turned into shame. I thought I was a bad mummy, why could I not be happy? The shame was the worst of it. That changed then, and I began to have intrusive thoughts. I would have thought 'those babies would be better off without me'.
"One day my parents were up, and I got into the car and I was going to end my life that day. I was trying to figure out how I could do it. How could I end it so that my children could have a better future. I thought 'if I can't be happy now, how will I ever be happy in the future?'
"That was a very dark place and I didn't want to admit to any health professionals that I was feeling this way, because there is a fear of your children being taken off you. One day, I hit breaking point and I told my health visitor that I was suicidal. I let everything out and told her about my struggle to get the tablets I needed, and that I was crying for help.
"She, who was the same age as me, escalated it and I was put as urgent. I told her that I didn't want to tell her because of the fear of losing my kids. It is strange to say because I was thinking of ending my own life. But I didn't want my babies taken away. It was a confusing place to be.
"The health visitor assured me that there were no concerns about my babies at all, that the concern was for my own wellbeing. This was in November-time so the kids were a couple of months old. I knew it was more than baby blues.
"It wasn't that I didn't love them, not at all, I loved them so much. I just didn't want to be their mummy. Guilt and shame comes from even saying that."
Once confirmed that she was suffering with post-natal depression of the highest scale, Jenny finally began to be honest. She says it was a hard pill to swallow, hearing those words 'you have post natal depression', it brought forward further waves of guilt and thoughts that she was a bad mummy for feeling that way.
But she soon began to research the illness, delving into the realities of what is a taboo subject. Another life-changing point for Jenny, was beginning cold water swimming.
Knowing how alone she felt during the darkest of days, Jenny is now on a mission to help other families going through what she did. She has opened up about her journey on social media, and soon hopes to set up a support group in Armagh.
"The cold water therapy has been huge for me," Jenny added.
"Me and two of my friends decided to try it, and I only ever had the intention of doing it once. Now I am addicted. I started the Instagram page throughout this, called AJENNYJOESHOW and I'd post humorous real life. A lot of people connect with me because I do bare it all.
"That was my relief, because the people online were maybe the only adults I spoke to all day. That was a wee outlet for me. I started to put up about the cold water swimming, and people would come with us. We started a bit of a group, and it is brilliant. We try to go every two weeks, whether it is sunset or sunrise.
"We change the locations up, but stay local too. It was a lot of mums turning up, and people I hadn't spoke to in years. I know you can do ice baths and stuff, but there is something so powerful about being with nature.
"Online I would show my bad days, maybe not going into the detail but even just a few messages back from other mummies has helped so much. And after posting the video of my post natal depression, the response was incredible. I couldn't believe it.
"It was so overwhelming, but in the best possible way. I felt not alone. Hundreds reached out to me and we shared our experience together. It was amazing. If by me putting this out helps one person, then I'm happy. I actually feel like my calling in life is to help people.
"From this very dark place, has grown this lovely community of a safe place."
Click here to visit Jenny's Instagram page.
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