You've suffered a devastating job loss or business failure. A romance ends suddenly and traumatically. There is a dispute with a family member or a friend. Time passes but the pain and frustration doesn't. It is only human to want closure.
"We want to know why," said Gary McClain. He's a psychotherapist who wrote "The Power of Closure." "We want to be heard, understood and find a way forward."
Closure can mean different things to different people. McClain defines it as the pursuit of peace of mind by achieving clarity about a situation. Closure is definitely not about revenge or trying to make someone say or do something.
Alleviation of an emotional burden — that you spend time on and anguish over — through closure helps you to be at your most effective in business and in life.
Understand Your Intention When Seeking Closure
If you act on pure emotion without preparation when seeking closure, you likely won't get the desired results. That's because you lacked "intentionality," McClain said.
Intentionality means understanding your motives behind your desire to seek closure, he says.
Ask yourself: "What am I hoping to accomplish if I were to talk with this person?" McClain said. "Consider the past, examine the present and define your hopes for the future."
Intentionality also includes knowing what you want to say and how you want to say it — without memorizing it word for word, he adds.
For example, use "I" statements — which demonstrate personal ownership of your thoughts and feelings — rather than the more accusatory "you" statements — which can alienate people.
Extend An Invitation To A Closure Meeting
The worst way to initiate a potentially difficult and emotionally charged conversation is to ambush or surprise the other person, then launch directly into a heated conversation, McClain advises.
Instead, extend a verbal or written invitation, he continues. Let the other person know what you want to discuss and why, along with the option to refuse any further discussion. Suggest a place and time to meet that is mutually convenient and applicable to a meeting; meaning quiet and without distractions.
"If the other person feels like they have some input into the meeting time, they'll be more likely to be receptive to having a conversation with you," he said.
Encourage Two-Way Communication
The greatest gift we can give to another human is to listen, McClain said. "Really listen."
It's what a person seeking closure wants and should request in advance of a meeting — and the same courtesy must be offered in return.
"As you seek closure, be willing to honor the other person by listening to what they have to say too," he said.
Speak Your Truth With Kindness And Compassion
Delicate conversations can be difficult when you feel you've been egregiously wronged and are seeking closure from another, McClain said.
However, listening offers the best path to achieve the closure you seek.
"You can still be upfront, candid and let people know where you stand," McClain said. "And you can still do this with kindness and compassion."
Be Open-Minded
Most people know where they stand in a given situation. But starting with the assumption that they know the most about the overall situation can lead to an unproductive conversation, said Steven Collis.
Collis is a law professor who authored "Habits of a Peace Maker: 10 Habits to Change Our Potentially Toxic Conversations into Healthy Dialogues."
A common refrain from some people is they don't need to change their thinking, simply because they've been thinking about the issue for a long time, he adds.
"That can be destructive," Collis said. "It may well be we've been thinking about it the wrong way from the beginning."
Also, rather than assume someone is a bad actor, peacemakers ask questions to understand others' true motivations, he said.
Be Mindful Of What You Can Control
To be sure, you have limited control in any given situation. And the truth is that you may never receive closure, McClain cautions. You might never get the answers you want or even a meeting to speak your truth.
"Yet you can still eventually come to terms with reality, accept things for what they are and move forward in your life," McClain said.
Sometimes closure must come from within. Collis suggests reading, meditation, proper breathing techniques, spiritual practices or exercise to better understand our own emotions.
"These and many other habits can help us achieve inner peace," Collis said.
