The premise of your new standup show, Fun Show xx, is that you are not a fun person. What is the least fun thing about you?
The minute my husband leaves the house, I turn the music off. I love silence. For my 40th birthday my husband, my two babies and I flew to Adelaide and hired a car to drive to the Barossa. My husband said, “It’s your birthday, you get to choose the playlist!” and I said, “Just complete silence please.” So we drove in silence for 90 minutes and that’s all I wanted.
I’m not looking for life to be more fun. I just want less of everything, thank you. My dream is five hours of uninterrupted thinking time.
Which book, album or film do you always return to and why?
Queens of the Stone Age’s album Songs for the Deaf. When it came out, I was getting my shit together – I was no longer engaged to a guy that I wasn’t going to marry and I knew what I wanted to do. Nearly 10 years ago, I did a rage room and they asked “What do you want to listen to while you smash stuff?” And I said, “Complete silence, please.” Like, I’m not right. And they went, “I think you should put something on.” So I put on that album. And I think I’ve accidentally loaded way too much meaning on it.
That CD is the only CD in my car. So when I do a road trip, I will listen to nothing, and then I will play the first three tracks on that album and repeat the third track three times in a row. And I will bawl the whole way through it and then I’ll just shut it off and drive in silence again. Other people have different forms of therapy, but this album is the only way I can access my emotions in a safe way. I very rarely listen to the end of the album. Isn’t that mad? I’m really afraid of this being in the public domain.
If you could change the size of any animal to keep as a pet, what would it be?
The bigger the better. If anything, I think all dogs are too small.
What is the most chaotic thing that has ever happened to you on stage?
Honestly, there’s been some rippers. I once did a corporate gig for a construction company where everyone was sitting at round tables, which means most people are not facing you. It was not a raised stage. The room was L-shaped and next to a noisy kitchen, so they couldn’t hear. There were balloon centrepieces and some giant pillars, so nobody could see. And I also got introduced by them going, “Oh, I hope you do better than the guy we had last time”, which is the biggest red flag of all.
It was so awful. I was getting paid for 20 minutes, but I was so relieved to get off the stage. Then the band kicked off and some guy who worked at this company thanked me, then grabbed me and made me slow dance with him for the first song. To have battled through 20 horrendous minutes and be like, finally I’m free – then be physically dragged by the hand and made to dance with him, in the centre of the stage: it was humiliation on top of humiliation.
What is the strangest thing you’ve done for love?
My husband [podcaster Wade Duffin] and I got engaged five weeks after meeting. He’s the love of my life so I don’t feel like I’ve done anything especially strange. But we knew that it would worry friends and family, so we didn’t really announce it. I actually didn’t think marriage was a thing I was going to do – I’d been engaged and called it off like three weeks before the wedding back in my 20s. But within a week of meeting me, he was like, “I’m going to ask you to marry me one day, but I know it’s too soon.” I was like, “Fine!” Five weeks went and he said, “Is it still too soon?” And I said, “Nah!” It was very unromantic, but also incredibly romantic. We got married in 2008 and we’ve been together ever since.
Do you have a nemesis?
No!
That was definitely the face of a woman that has a nemesis.
Well, how do you define nemesis? There is a person who I don’t wish well. If they enter the room, I think, is there a way to get out of this room?
That’s tantalising. Who is the most underrated comedian?
Bronwyn Kuss is an absolute genius at comedy, but she has at least received critical acclaim – so can you say she’s underrated? I feel she should be touring in giant venues and everyone should know her name. But at least she has got the awards and the reviews.
This almost feels like a controversial call, but Pete Helliar is a great example of someone who other comedians forget is actually really good at comedy. I do it! But he is smart and professional and he has incredibly good comedy instincts. His shows are really funny.
What has been your most cringeworthy run-in with a famous person?
Oh, shit, this one was awful. When I was working in commercial radio, they’d send me along to a press launch to ask a question and get a good radio grab. Anyway: Shane Warne did not like me. He had designed a Matchbox toy car and there was a press conference for it and I can’t remember what my exact question was, but it was essentially, “Is it true that when men design cars, they’re modelling them on something else?” I couldn’t believe how little he wanted any part of that question. I sat back down and went, “Wow, he doesn’t like having a joke with a comedian.” Like, I want my Matchbox car taken seriously, how dare you!
If you had a sandwich named after you, what would be in it?
It would be a flour tortilla with crunchy peanut butter rolled up in it like a swiss roll. I know that’s not a sandwich, but that’s what I eat and nobody else I’ve ever met does that. I really enjoy crunch in the doughiness. I love that it is not messy and you can eat it while you’re driving. I’m all about efficiency. It is extremely calorie dense. But if you are too busy for a meal, it will give you energy that will get you to the end of your night and you can eat vegetables tomorrow.
Where is the weirdest place you’ve been recognised?
I was getting a colonoscopy a few years ago. So I changed into the robe and little socks and walked into the surgery and the nurse – and I’m gonna name-check her – Narelle went, “Oh! I’ve been watching you on The Great Australian Bake Off!” And I swear this is true, because you never say the right thing in these moments, but I replied, “Get ready for a very different viewing experience, Narelle.”
Claire Hooper’s Fun Show xx is touring Melbourne international comedy festival 26 March – 19 April, Sydney comedy festival 9–10 May and Brisbane comedy festival 14–17 May.
