Batten down the hatches: Christmas season is upon us once more, and that means more festive ads than you can shake a yule log at.
In an age where supermarkets regularly spend millions on getting their 60-second clip just right, the business of making a Christmas commercial has never been more competitive. With Aldi, Asda and Sainsbury's all bringing out the big guns (in the form of heartstring tuggers and celebrity cameos, respectively), is John Lewis still the king of the heap, or has another arisen to surpass it?
Here's our definitive ranking of which ads bring the cheer, and which end up flatter than an old bottle of bubbles: from worst to best.
Argos
The reasoning here is clear: why not capitalise on the stupendous triumph of Greta Gerwig’s Barbie by making a Barbie-adjacent Christmas ad? Sadly, Connie the doll falls well short of Greta’s masterpiece: obsessed with making a TikTok-style dance video, she ropes in her friend Trev the dinosaur to film her dancing around various Argos products (a hairdryer, a coffee machine). It grates.
Very
Look, it’s fine. Some pigeons (this, explicably, is set in a world where pigeons take the place of ordinary humans) are struggling with their Christmas shopping, when in fly the Very flamingos to save the day. Like pink fluffy overlords, they dole out presents left and right… set to Slade, there’s nothing groundbreaking here.
Sainsbury’s
Fresh off their Alison Hammond-infused medieval triumph last year (which introduced audiences around the UK to the concept of ‘bardcore’), Sainsbury’s have followed up with a bit of a clanger. Set in a Sainsbury’s superstore, a little girl takes control of the intercom to ask… what would Santa like in his festive spread? Why, Sainsbury’s own products of course. Even a ten-second Rick Astley cameo isn’t enough to elevate this; it’s stodgy as an undercooked stollen.
Asda
Asda has pulled out the big guns this year – none other than Michael Bublé shows up to star in their 2023 ad. Directed by Taika Waititi and suffused with his particular brand of irreverence, it’s all good fun, but feels a bit… flat. Do we really care what the Canadian crooner thinks of the Asda brand mince pies?
M&S Christmas food
I have beef with the M&S Christmas Fairy (voiced by Dawn French), but to level out her slightly annoying presence this year, M&S have also recruited Wrexham FC superstars Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney to star as an accompanying pair of festive mittens. They are charming – they’re Hollywood actors, after all – but watching them croon over the M&S range is cringe-worthy. Eek.
Sports Direct
Sports Direct have a whole football squad of famous athletes to call in for their 2023 ad, which follows kid Macy as she dreams of becoming a sporting superstar. Instantly, she’s sucked into a parallel TV universe where she can outbox Conor Benn in the ring, outsprint Zarnel Hughes on some kind of cosmic racetrack, and play against Lauren Hemp, Mason Mount and other footie stars in what looks like a match for the ages. Very cute wish fulfilment.
Boots
Who knew Father Christmas wanted - above everything else in the world - a pair of flight compression socks for Christmas? That’s the theme of the Boots ad, which sees a mother and daughter duo heading up to the North Pole, and buying passage (we assume) by dint of the various Boots gifts stashed in their goodie bags. A bit naff – an Arctic explorer doesn’t really need a shower kit, does he? – but hey, it’s Christmas.
Morrisons
Ah, oven gloves: the unsung heroes of our kitchens. Morrisons has decided that this is the year to pay tribute – but they’ve done it by animating the gloves and making them sing along to Starship’s Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now as their humans cook the Christmas dinner around them. They’re simultaneously cute and slightly creepy.
Lidl
Tragic Raccoon is here, and he’s come to wring every last tear out of the nation’s tearducts. The Lidl ad tells the story of this sad critter, forever looking in the window of his family’s home (he lives in their garden) and longing to be let inside. If weepies appeal, this one should have the tears flowing.
M&S Clothing and Home
Fair play to M&S: they’re not pulling their punches this year. The theme of their (one of two) festive ad this year is to embrace the Christmas traditions that give you joy, and – Marie Kondo style – junk the ones that don’t. Thus, an elf on the shelf gets a walloping by Zawe Ashton, Tan France throws a board game over his shoulder and Sophie Ellis Bextor torches her Christmas cards. All in good fun.
Waitrose
The house party of dreams: Waitrose’s ad this year takes place in a rather lovely terraced house (probably in Islington) where a couple are getting ready to host their friends for a knees-up. What it ends up being is a massive wall-shaker where two women get stuck in the bathroom, the electricity goes out, and Graham Norton shows up bearing a “Golden Buche de Noel? Yes it is!” Would that all Christmas parties were the same.
Amazon
One of the better weepies on this list, Amazon Prime’s rather touching short tells the story of three old ladies watching kids sledging during a snowy day. Well, why can’t they do the same? One of them buys cushions for her friends, and soon they’re off, reliving the glory days of their childhood as they do so. No words, all the tears.
Aldi
Kevin the Carrot is back… and he’s in a Roald Dahl adaptation?! That’s right, Aldi have decided to do their own version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in this year’s ad. It’s a cracker: the jokes are ever-so-slightly purple, the amount of food crammed into every scene is mouthwatering and the visual gags are excellent. Yum.
John Lewis
The kings of the Christmas ad are back once more, and for once they’re not going straight for the nation’s collective solar plexus. The 2023 edition isn’t a weepie, it’s a beautifully bonkers story that sees a little boy trying to grow a Christmas tree, only to end up with a massive, sentient Venus flytrap instead. Set to a jaunty little number by Andrea Bocelli, it’s a fun, off-kilter direction for the OGs.
And our winner is... Barbour
The cuteness cannot be denied: Barbour isn’t a usual addition to this Christmas list, but deserves a place purely on the strength of its Shaun the Sheep collab. Cooked up with all of Aardman’s usual wizardry, it sees the farmyard gang banding together to mend their Farmer’s patched (Barbour, presumably) jacket. Madness ensues: look, we know it’s a commercial tie in, but it’s a darn cute one.
