Christine McGuinness has spoken about her marriage split from Top Gear host Paddy and admitted she was unhappy and stayed with him for too long because her autism made it difficult to walk away.
In a new BBC documentary, she explained why she needs a new chapter in her life and how petrified she initially felt about the breakup.
Christine cries as she also tells about being raped as a youngster and says it caused suicidal thoughts.
Reflecting on what she discovered in her documentary about autism, the model said: “I felt like I said in the film I didn’t want my family to ever fall apart. And that’s why I stayed married.
“As an autistic woman, I like to stay where I am comfortable. I like things to stay the same. And so that’s something I suppose I chose to do... But sometimes change has to happen.”
The reality TV star, 34, is seen on the programme throwing clothes away shortly after splitting from Paddy, 49.
She discusses having worn some of the outfits as part of a “masking” technique used by some autistic people to fit in.
Christine says: “I was only 19 when I met [Paddy]. And for the last 15 years my role has been wife and mum.
“I think when I got diagnosed, I kind of set out on a mission to figure out who I was, because I’ve played that many different roles and not really knowing which part of it was actually me or which one was mostly me.”
She adds: “So I’m clearing out, because I had a wardrobe full of clothes to wear how I thought I was supposed to look. I have also separated with my husband in the process, and I’m just I suppose shedding my old identity, trying to figure out what my new one is...
“I think the changes for me, although they’re massive, I am doing everything very slowly. I’m trying to not pretend, I’m trying to not always fit in.
“And then with things like my marriage, that’s massive. I’ve only had this one man in my life for 15 years. I can’t imagine living with anybody else.
“I don’t know what it’s like to date. I can’t remember being single.
“I am just going into a new chapter... on my own, which is petrifying for someone who doesn’t like change.”
Christine and Paddy married in 2011 and are parents to Felicity and twins Leo and Penelope. All the children are autistic. The couple announced last June that they had split up. It was six months after their moving BBC documentary Our Family and Autism.
Christine was diagnosed as autistic during the making of that programme.
In the new documentary, she speaks to three specialists about autism going undiagnosed in girls and women, and problems that can occur as a result.
One of the doctors explains that the issue of consent is very difficult for some women with autism and that in wanting to be liked they can fail to get out of a dangerous situation.
Christine tells them: “I experienced that. It was a long time ago and I didn’t speak up and I wonder if I never said it because I was autistic.
“Was it me? Would a typical woman have said something? Is it my fault? It’s something I experienced when I was a teenager. And then when I met my husband, that was a time I felt very safe. And I wonder if that’s why I stayed in that relationship for 15 years.
“Being a single woman, being a single parent, is an extremely vulnerable place to be and it petrifies me.”
She is then asked if she felt more able to leave the marriage after her autism diagnosis.
Christine replies in tears: “Yeah, because I know that I’ve stayed in a place where I was probably unhappy because it was safe and I don’t like change. And ultimately, I wanted to keep my family together.”
At a later time, she says while crying: “I don’t know how to say it. Before [Paddy], I had been sexually abused. I was raped... I would pray every night that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, just cos it was so awful. The abuse I suffered started when I was only nine years old.
“I wonder how many things in life could have been avoided if I had an earlier [autism] diagnosis and more support at school.”
She uncovers links between autism and sexual abuse and having an eating disorder as a girl.
Christine speaks to young people with autism whose lives are improving because they have been diagnosed.
There are 122,000 people in England waiting for an autism assessment, according to NHS figures.
Christine hopes the TV programme will lead to more help being offered to girls with autism.
Ending the film on a bright note, she says: “I’m excited for life. I want to live as much as possible. I need to live for ever because I’ve got three children, but I need to live for myself too.
“I’ve always wanted to travel [and] to try all different things, and I know now I am fully able to.”
In an interview with the Mirror about the documentary, Christine said her priority is her children and she is in no rush to get into a long term relationship.
She said: “I’m excited about this documentary.
“I hope people understand more about how I feel about relationships after watching [it].
“Dating was never on my mind when I was filming the documentary. But I think watching it, hopefully, people will understand why. I think most people will expect somebody who’s just come out of a long relationship to be really excited about dating. But it’s not something I am thinking about.
“I have been in one place for a long time and I don’t like change, so I’m certainly not going to be speed dating anytime soon.”
On speaking about the marriage in the documentary, she said: “I wanted to be honest.
“I’m not from one of these drama schools, I’m not a TV presenter, I am a mum.”
She added: “I wanted to be the perfect wife and the perfect mum. I insisted on doing absolutely everything. I’m trying to not people-please as much, which is hard.
“I’m trying to say yes to more opportunities that scare me because I want to experience more. But also say no to things that I don’t want to do. I’m a lot less apologetic about myself now.
“I don’t know if I can ever fully love myself but I’m proud of myself and I’m happy with where I am right now.”
When they announced their split, Christine and Paddy said in a statement: “Our main focus is to continue loving and supporting our children.
“We’ll always be a loving family, we still have a great relationship and still live happily in our home together.”
*Christine McGuinness: Unmasking My Autism is due to air on March 15 at 9pm on BBC1 and iPlayer.
