Chrissy Teigen is opening up about the level of fear she lives with on a daily basis via an extremely candid and emotional Instagram post.
On May 24, the model and influencer shared both a photo and video of a recent outing in which she completed a log crossing. Along with the photo and video, the cookbook author shared a candid message about fear.
"I did this log crossing a few years ago when I last came here, when I was struggling mentally. It was incredibly hard then," she wrote. "My feet felt like they were 1,000 pounds each, my body tensed up to the point I felt like I was in a car crash after coming down. I made it across then, after about 40 lonnnng minutes. And I’m not even scared of heights! It wasn’t the height. It’s fighting through the pain in my arms, my neck, my feet most of all."
Teigen went on to explain that she assumed attempting another log crossing "today" would be "so different," in part because she assumed the "pain" would "go away by relaxing my body, breathing and just taking in and enjoying what I was doing."
"But plot twist!! It was just as hard," she added.
While Teigen says she "shaved off a little time," she was still "terrified."
"I thought that since I have seen times that were so dark since the last time I did this, that I would be fearless on this god damn thing. But I’m still so scared," she continued. "Then I realized I now live my whole life so scared. I don’t enjoy much outside my family, my few friends, television and crafts. I feel like a very shrunken version of myself. And I know I am meant to be big."
The mom of four wrote that she is "really scared" of letting her fans down, adding that she finds herself "fighting with myself all day in my brain with things I want to say, things I want to explain, but I’m just so fearful."
"I miss so many parts of myself and I hope one day I can shed some fear and accept that I will never be perfect for you guys and that is okay!!" she continued. "But for now I will continue to work on it all and try to balance my brain with rational thoughts, and try to be kind to myself and my body and mind."
Teigen faced a heavy amount of criticism and backlash in early 2021, Us Weekly documents, after some of Teigen's past social media posts showing the model bullying others online surfaced.
Courtney Stodden, a non-binary singer, shared problematic and harmful screenshots of DMs she received from Teigen. In May 2021, she told the Daily Beast that "some of the worst treatment I got was from women, and we’re not going to get anywhere if we keep holding each other back.”
Shortly after, Teigen issued a public apology to Stodden, saying in part: "Not a lot of people are lucky enough to be held accountable for all their past b******* in front of the entire world."
"I’m mortified and sad at who I used to be," she said at the time. "I was an insecure, attention seeking troll. I am ashamed and completely embarrassed at my behavior but that is nothing compared to how I made Courtney feel.”
