If you’re a working parent, chances are there are a lot of things you feel guilty for. Convenience meals or snacks; not being across ALL the school/daycare announcements ALL of the time; bad Book Week costumes; that time you yelled at the kids in public because you were hungry.
But if my conversations with parents are anything to go by, not playing with our kids enough is one of the things we feel the most guilt over and yet many of us are too burnt out to do anything about it: it’s just another thing we have to add to our to-do list.
And yet, research shows that play is one of the most fundamental elements of a child’s development, critical to building their emotional intelligence and thus their way of connecting and relating to others.
“Play is really important for the development of social awareness: how we react and respond to others, recognise our own intentions, and how we engage [with] our own emotions,” says Prof Adam Guastella, Michael Crouch chair in child and youth mental health at Sydney Children’s hospital at Westmead and the University of Sydney’s Brain and Mind Centre.
Emotional intelligence, he says, can come naturally to some people in the way that smarts and sporting skills do, but a bulk of kids’ emotional intelligence is developed in their caregiving environment, which allows them to engage and reciprocate with others, learn about themselves and manage in their peer groups and at schools.
So how can we facilitate quality play time if we’re so time-poor (and exhausted)?
Guastella says it’s about meeting kids where they are.
“Play teaches kids all those wonderful skills and teaches children in a dynamic way [because] it’s in the moment and there’s no rulebook,” he says. “It’s all about ‘incidental’ opportunities. It depends on the time of day, what resources you have around you, and what works for you and your child. Is your child one that really engages in play on a playground or while kicking a football, or somewhere else?”
Wherever you happen to be does not matter, as long as there’s a “linguistic back and forth” between caregiver and child that leans into the child’s creativity and engagement with their environment. Shared book reading time that is built into the day’s routine is one of the easiest things to implement, Guastella says, but it requires our own slowing down as well: “One of the things that shared book reading does is create a timing structure – there’s a routine as to when it occurs, usually bedtime, when not much else is going on and people can relax, so your child’s attention is not going to be on other things.”
Parenting coach Genevieve Muir says playing together doesn’t have to take too much time, provided we’re letting “our kids know they are the centre of our universe” for that short period of time.
“Investing in 10 minutes of play can actually meet the emotional needs of kids and therefore encourage more independent play,” she says. “Play is considered to be the ‘work of childhood’ – it’s how [children] learn. It’s not our job to always be playing with our kids. Play is their world and their job, but we can help them build skills though joining in the fun for just small pockets.”
She also says that play is essential for neurodiverse and less-verbal children, who “may be able to express their views, experiences and even frustrations through play”; or for children who are struggling with particular things in their day, such as daycare drop-off or jealousy over a new baby. “Playing” those experiences out with a parent, she says, gives them “the chance to process these big emotions”.
Even going through the mundane motions of everyday life can be an opportunity to bring play. Muir suggests a “who can jump on one leg all the way to the car” to lower cortisol in kids; or a silly play for a child who doesn’t want to go to daycare, where parents get shoes and toys to talk; and even rough-and-tumble play to teach kids about being gentle, while also getting their energy out.
Whatever you choose, Guastella says it’s essential that it’s child-centred: letting children lead rather than being more directive; providing “emotional guidance, which helps them better regulate and engage their own or others’ emotions”; and using “really good listening skills to build more creative and more reflective opportunities”, especially for perspective and problem solving that will last them all throughout adulthood.
“Practising and explaining what might be going on with the other person and understanding their needs is fundamental to good relationships, and being able to integrate and respond to people in those ways fosters greater occupational function across the spectrum,” he says.
• Sarah Ayoub is a journalist, academic and author of books for young adults and children
