Right, that’s it for today’s Clockwatch. I’m a walking health-and-safety violation (well, sitting), so it’s time to wrap this up. There are two big late games for you to follow (links below) with Daniel Gallan and Sarah Rendell. Thanks for your company, emails and neutrals’ favourites – goodnight.
Thirteen minutes gone at the Etihad, and City are already 2-0 up.
Brighton: the best thing to ever happen to anyone, ever
26 - Chelsea faced 26 shots in their 2-1 defeat against Brighton, their most on record (since 2003-04) in a Premier League home match. Dominated. pic.twitter.com/za98wmtYhN
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) April 15, 2023
And the Women’s FA Cup semi-final between Man Utd and Brighton is around 20 minutes old. Sarah Rendell has the latest.
Manchester City v Leicester City is under way. You can follow that match with Daniel Gallan.
Match report: Wolves 2-0 Brentford
Match report: Aston Villa 3-0 Newcastle
Still want more? Course you do.
Updated
Match report: Southampton 0-2 Crystal Palace
“Frankfurt in the early 90s – yes, wonderful,” says Ingo Herzke. “Bein, Möller, Yeboah, then Okocha. You’re right, Buchwald won it for Stuttgart – but Frankfurt were robbed at Rostock by the ref.”
That’s my Saturday night YouTube rabbit hole sorted. Uwe Bein is another player I’d love to know more about.
European roundup (Bundesliga special)
Match report: Chelsea 1-2 Brighton
Match report: Everton 1-3 Fulham
And this is what it does to the table
Palace and Wolves have surely escaped the relegation battle, perhaps Bournemouth too.
| Pos | Team | P | GD | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Arsenal | 30 | 43 | 73 |
| 2 | Man City | 29 | 48 | 67 |
| 3 | Newcastle | 30 | 24 | 56 |
| 4 | Man Utd | 29 | 7 | 56 |
| 5 | Tottenham Hotspur | 31 | 12 | 53 |
| 6 | Aston Villa | 31 | 4 | 50 |
| 7 | Brighton | 29 | 17 | 49 |
| 8 | Liverpool | 29 | 15 | 44 |
| 9 | Brentford | 31 | 5 | 43 |
| 10 | Fulham | 30 | 1 | 42 |
| 11 | Chelsea | 31 | -3 | 39 |
| 12 | Crystal Palace | 31 | -9 | 36 |
| 13 | Wolverhampton | 31 | -16 | 34 |
| 14 | AFC Bournemouth | 31 | -28 | 33 |
| 15 | West Ham | 29 | -12 | 30 |
| 16 | Leeds | 30 | -15 | 29 |
| 17 | Everton | 31 | -22 | 27 |
| 18 | Nottm Forest | 30 | -30 | 27 |
| 19 | Leicester | 30 | -12 | 25 |
| 20 | Southampton | 31 | -29 | 23 |
Premier League full-times
Chelsea 1-2 Brighton
Everton 1-3 Fulham
Southampton 0-2 Crystal Palace
Tottenham 2-3 Bournemouth
Wolves 2-0 Brentford
Full time: Tottenham 2-3 Bournemouth
An incredible win for Bournemouth! It’s their fourth in six games, and even the usually calm Gary O’Neil has a maniacal look in his eye and he celebrates with all his backroom staff. That was an astonishing climax.
Dango Ouattara has scored in the fifth minute of added time! It’s his first Premier League goal! It came straight after Richarlison missed an absolute sitter at one end. Solanke did superbly to tee up Ouattara, who calmly cut inside a defender and shaped the ball past Hugo Lloris from 12 yards. Extraordinary stuff.
Updated
GOAL! Tottenham 2-3 Bournemouth (Outattara 90+5)
NO THEY BLOODY WELL AREN’T!!
Updated
Key event
90+4 min: Tottenham 2-2 Bournemouth They’re still playing. Surely Bournemouth aren’t going to lose 3-2 to a 98th-minute goal in north London for the second time this season.
Updated
Neutrals’ favourites department
“Eintracht Frankfurt in the early 90s - with Yeboah and Okocha - were a joy to watch, much like Brighton now,” says Michael Garton. “Somehow they didn’t win the title though, losing out on the last day of the season in ‘92.”
This is a really good one. I wish I’d seen a lot more of them, though I do remember watching that three-horse race on the last day. Didn’t Guido Buchwald (a monstrously underrated player by the way) win the title for Stuttgart in the end?
Leyton Orient are (not) promoted to League One
Don’t ask me how it happened, as it involved three or four different results, but Orient are up after a 2-0 win at Sutton. Congratulations to the manager Richie Wellens, all the playing staff and, most importantly, my colleague Tom Davies.
Edit: that was a cock-up, they weren’t actually promoted. Gah! (But they will be, very soon, so the sentiment stands.)
Updated
GOAL! Spurs 2-2 Bournemouth (Danjuma 89)
The substitutes Arnaut Danjuma equalises against his old club! That’s a sickener for Bournemouth, and a vital goal for Spurs.
Updated
Disallowed goal! Spurs 1-2 Bournemouth Richarlison’s search for a first Premier League goal for Spurs continues: there was an offside in the build-up. There are around two minutes plus added time remaining in that game.
Full time: Everton 1-3 Fulham
This looked like a very winnable game for Everton. But Fulham – sans Mitrovic – rediscovered the joys of scoring goals, and now Everton are in not insignificant bother.
“A list of neutrals’ favourites,” says Richard Gibbs, “would surely include Aberdeen 83 - beating Bayern, Real Madrid and Hamburg in the space of six months.”
I was thinking more about style of play, not that Aberdeen’s was particuarly bad or anything, but actually you make a really good point. (See also: Cameroon 1990, although they did play some delightful stuff against England.)
Updated
Full time: Chelsea 1-2 Brighton
Three defeats in a row for Frank Lampard, although a) it’s not his fault and b) this is not about Chelsea. That is a wonderful victory for Brighton, who battered Chelsea from start to finish, overcame two first-half injuries and more VAR controversy - and eventually won the match when Julio Enciso roofed a 25-yard sizzler.
THIS BRIGHTON TEAM ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE, EVER.
League One full-times (selected)
Burton 3-2 Sheff Wed
Ipswich 6-0 Charlton
And with that, Ipswich lead into the automatic promotion places ahead of Sheffield Wednesday.
Motherwell 1-2 Dundee United. “Hi Rob,” says James Humphries. Never fear; ‘neutrals’ favourites’ is a perfectly cromulent usage, as you’re referring to the favourites of the group ‘neutrals’. Also, as a long-suffering Motherwell fan (but I repeat myself), for eff’s sake.”
He didn’t say eff’s.
Full time: Wolves 2-0 Brentford
Wolves’ terrific home form continues thanks to goal from Diego Costa and Hwang-Hee chan. They’re almost certainly staying up as well.
Full time: Southampton 0-2 Crystal Palace
Southampton are going down, probably. Crystal Palace are staying up, almost certainly. Ebere Eze scored both goals, the second a beauty, to make it three wins out of three for Roy Hodgson.
Chelsea 1-2 Brighton
“This Brighton team would have had such a good chance of fourth,” says Andrew Hurley, “if it wasn’t for the scandalous refereeing display v Spurs…”
And the rest. They need a special cabinet for all the apologies from PGMOL this season. Yet regardless of football’s vicissitudes, they turn up again for the next game and charm the pants off everyone. They are such a joy, the team of the season in many ways. (Which reminds me of another neutrals’ favourite: Oldham 1989-90. How could I forget?)
Updated
Chelsea 1-2 Brighton
“Where do Frank Lampard’s Chelsea go from here?” says Nigel Njanina. “Full credit to Brighton but the Blues have been abject from the first minute.”
They beat Real Madrid 3-0 on Tuesday night.
Championship: QPR 0-3 Coventry
QPR’s descent continues, as does Coventry’s ascent. Viktor Gyokeres has scored two more today.
Nick Parish has a few neutrals’ favourites, and I think that apostrophe might be in the wrong place but I’m afraid there just isn’t time to stop and think and yes I know I should be able to do it on autopilot but I’m 47 years ol- in my forties and things aren’t working as well as they once did.
“Norwich and Hearts in the early 1990s, for obvious reasons, and Peru, because of that wonderful strip.”
GOALS! HELP! Rangers 4-2 St Mirren (Morelos x2), Ipswich 5-0 Charlton (Ladapo x2), QPR 0-2 Coventry (no idea x1)
Tottenham 1-2 Bournemouth If it stays like this Bournemouth will have won four of their last six games. And though they aren’t safe yet they have a very good run-in, with all bar one of their games against teams in the bottom half. It’s a heck of a job Gary O’Neil has done.
Guess what’s back/back again/Guess what’s back/guess what’s back…
“Should Spurs lose or draw,” says Balaji, “Arsenal fans can celebrate St. Totteringham’s Day tomorrow if they beat over West Ham! It will be the first time since 2016!”
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton “Been a fan for 35 odd years and can’t ever remember seeing a Chelsea as poor as this,” says Joe Balbour. “Brighton have battered us today; deserve all the praise they get. Players are now turning on each other. Not good.”
Thirty-five years takes you back to 1988, when they were last relegated, so you might have a point. I’d probably put some of the mid-90s teams below this one, but I wouldn’t get into a digital rumpus over the matter.
Watching this Brighton team Listening to other people watch this Brighton team evokes the same joy as some of the great neutrals’ favourites down the years: Denmark 1981-86, Romania 1994, Foggia 1991-92, Matt Le Tissier (BC). Any others? I always thought Chris Nicholl’s Southampton were great fun – goals galore at both ends, Le Tissier, Shearer, Jimmy Case playing drunk at Coventry.
Stuttgart 3-3 Dortmund
“Like me at home, Stuttgart players celebrated the draw like a win,” writes Kári Tulinius. “Dortmund look like they’ve lost a cup final. The players in black and yellow can still overtake Bayern, and Stuttgart played like there’s not a chance they’ll go down.”
The Premier League table (as it stands)
| Pos | Team | P | GD | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Arsenal | 30 | 43 | 73 |
| 2 | Man City | 29 | 48 | 67 |
| 3 | Newcastle | 30 | 24 | 56 |
| 4 | Man Utd | 29 | 7 | 56 |
| 5 | Tottenham Hotspur | 31 | 12 | 53 |
| 6 | Aston Villa | 31 | 4 | 50 |
| 7 | Brighton | 29 | 17 | 49 |
| 8 | Liverpool | 29 | 15 | 44 |
| 9 | Brentford | 31 | 5 | 43 |
| 10 | Fulham | 30 | 1 | 42 |
| 11 | Chelsea | 31 | -3 | 39 |
| 12 | Crystal Palace | 31 | -9 | 36 |
| 13 | Wolverhampton | 31 | -16 | 34 |
| 14 | AFC Bournemouth | 31 | -28 | 33 |
| 15 | West Ham | 29 | -12 | 30 |
| 16 | Leeds | 30 | -15 | 29 |
| 17 | Everton | 31 | -22 | 27 |
| 18 | Nottm Forest | 30 | -30 | 27 |
| 19 | Leicester | 30 | -12 | 25 |
| 20 | Southampton | 31 | -29 | 23 |
Scotland
“Dundee United have scored two in eight minutes at Motherwell to turn it round after trailing at half-time so, as it stands, are now out of the bottom two,” says an entirely dispassionate Simon McMahon.
Also – and I’m sorry but I really can’t keep up with this – Mark O’Hara has scored two equalisers for St Mirren at Ibrox. It’s Rangers 2-2 St Mirren, funnily enough.
Tottenham 1-2 Bournemouth Davinson Sanchez, who came off the bench in the first half, has now been taken off by Cristian Stellini to enable a switch to a back four. Apparently he was booed off, which is utterly pathetic, but what can you do.
Updated
Chelsea 1-2 Brighton I’ve just seen Enciso’s goal online had a vision of Enciso’s goal and it is a monster, not unlike Socrates’ famous scorcher against the USSR in 1982. He didn’t beat two players like Socrates, but he did laser it into the top corner.
League One: Ipswich 3-0 Charlton A hat-trick for Conor Chaplin at Portman Road. Unless Sheffield Wednesday score three in the last 15 minutes at Burton, Ipswich will be in the automatic promotion places tonight – and with a game in hand on Wednesday.
Bundesliga full times
Bayern 1-1 Hoffenheim
Stuttgart 3-3 Dortmund
That’s a shocker for Dortmund, who were 2-0 up against 10 men, then went 3-2 up in injury time. I’d love to hear Jude Bellingham’s internal monologue right now.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-2 Brighton (Enciso 70)
At last Brighton get their just deserts: Julio Enciso has lasered* them ahead at Stamford Bridge.
* Kris Boyd’s word on Sky Sports, and I’ll be having that.
Updated
GOAL! Everton 1-3 Fulham (James 68)
This is seriously bad news for Everton. But I can’t dwell on that because…
Updated
GOAL! Stuttgart 3-3 Dortmund (Silas 90+8)
What the bloody blazes?!
GOAL! Wolves 2-0 Brentford (Hwang 69)
Wolves, surely, are staying up.
Updated
GOAL! Spurs 1-2 Bournemouth (Solanke 51)
Close your eyes, if you will, and try to imagine, just for one second, the disgust spread all over the coupon of Antonio Conte when this scoreline is relayed to him.
(Also, what a comeback from Bournemouth, who have quietly extricated themselves from the malodorous stuff in recent weeks.)
Updated
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton “Your other correspondents are quite right; this is among the most one-sided football matches I’ve ever watched,” says Mark Harrison. “Given that, there’s a crushing inevitability about the 87th-minute Joao Felix winner that’s coming.”
GOAL! Southampton 0-2 Crystal Palace (Eze 68)
Eze good, Eze good, and yes I know it doesn’t really work phonetically. Anyway, Ebere Eze has just scored his second, a lovely solo goal to continue his and Crystal Palace’s thrilling return to form under Roy Hodgson.
Updated
GOAL!!!! Stuttgart 2-3 Dortmund (Reyna 90+3) Gio Reyna has won it for Dortmund!
“Love your coverage but is there any way I can only see the Premiership and important lower league stuff?” says Barry the Pedant. “I don’t follow European football.”
No. At least I don’t think so, sorry. And thus, I apologise for the next entry.
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton And another one goes by. Dunk, Mitoma, Enciso, Mitoma… and Kepa saves.
Spurs 1-1 Bournemouth
“Now you’ve got me going down Memory Lane,” says Ben Hayes. “Charrington’s bitter was the first beer I drank after my O-level results (c 1967). I know, I started late. Memory also says it was 11 old pence (just under 5p). It was filthy stuff and I was tempted to throw it away. A bit like my Spurs team today.”
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton Make that 7-1: Julio Enciso has rattled the post for Brighton, with Danny Welbeck putting the rebound over the bar.
I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again: THIS BRIGHTON TEAM ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE, EVER.
Bundesliga: Stuttgart 2-2 Dortmund
“As much as Dortmund title win would be good for the health of the Bundesliga,” writes Kári Tulinius, “I jumped around my living room cheering when Joshua Vagnoman equalized for Stuttgart. New manager Sebastian Hoeness is doing an excellent job.”
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton “Not ‘sounds like’, they are slaughtering them 1-1,” says Gareth Rogers, speaking with the crisp certainty of a man who is actually watching the game. “It could be 6-1, no lie.”
Premier League latest
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton
Everton 1-2 Fulham
Southampton 0-1 Crystal Palace
Tottenham 1-1 Bournemouth (3.15pm)
Wolves 1-0 Brentford
Bundesliga OMG department: Stuttgart 2-2 Dortmund
Bayern are being held – but so are Dortmund after ten-man Stuttgart scored two goals in seven minutes!
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton It sounds like Brighton are hammering Chelsea. Mind you we said the same against Spurs last week and they somehow lost 2-1.
GOAL! Everton 1-2 Fulham (Wilson 51)
Uh-oh. Moments after Dwight McNeil hits the post at one end, Harry Wilson puts Fulham in front! He ran onto Willian’s cushioned layoff, waited for Jordan Pickford to sit down and curled the ball high into the net.
Updated
GOAL! Southampton 0-1 C Palace (Eze 54)
Arise Sir Roy. The in-form Ebere Eze has put Crystal Palace ahead from close range after Jordan Ayew’s cross was pushed away by Gavin Bazunu. Southampton are in (even deeper) bother.
Updated
“I hear Joe Biden is close to announcing his standing for the 2024 elections,” says Bill Hargreaves. “I’d say he’d be a shoo-in if he could secure Unai Emery as his speech writer. Look what he’s done for the Villa. Are Villa the perfect team for him?”
Well, I’d have said Sevilla were the perfect club, but Villa aren’t far behind. It’s a helluva refreshing story.
Half time: Tottenham 1-1 Bournemouth
How many times, it kicked off at 3.15pm!
Live scores page
Don’t forget you can get all the latest news on our live scores page. Here are a few selected half-times from the EFL:
Championship
Millwall 1-0 Preston
QPR 0-1 Coventry
Reading 0-0 Burnley
Rotherham 0-1 Luton
League One
Burton 3-1 Sheff Wed
Forest Green 0-3 Barnsley (Forest Green relegated if they lose)
Ipswich 2-0 Charlton
League Two
Carlisle 0-0 Northampton
Gillingham 0-0 Stockport
Sutton 0-2 Leyton Orient
Bundesliga Crikey, Andrej Kramaric has equalised for Hoffenheim at Bayern. It’s 1-1 with 19 minutes to go, and as things stand Bayern are only ahead of Dortmund on goal difference.
GOAL! Spurs 1-1 Bournemouth (Vina 38)
A big goal for Bournemouth at Charringtons, finished coolly by Matias Vina! After a mistake from Pedro Porro, Vina dinked the ball calmly over the outrushing Hugo Lloris.
Updated
Half time
The first halves are done and dusted in the 3pm games (Spurs v Bournemouth kicked off 15 minutes late), and these are the latest Premier League scores.
Chelsea 1-1 Brighton
Everton 1-1 Fulham
Southampton 0-0 Crystal Palace
Tottenham 1-0 Bournemouth (3.15pm)
Wolves 1-0 Brentford
As things stand, Wolves (and Crystal Palace for that matter) are seven points clear of the relegation places.
Championship: Stoke 1-0 West Brom There are 11 minutes’ added time in this game after Stoke’s Ben Wilmot was stretchered off with concussion. It sounds like he was kicked in the head.
Match report: Sheffield United 4-1 Cardiff
Here’s more on Sheffield United’s rousing comeback at Bramall Lane, which moved them closer to another season in the Premier League.
League One: Forest Green 0-3 Barnsley
“It’s strange for me seeing that Forest Green Rovers look set to be relegated from League One today,” says Sam Dodson. “Just yesterday they were sitting second in the Premier League and into the Champions League semi finals in my latest season of Football Manager. Is this a sign that the vegan diet alone isn’t enough to take you to the top of the football league pyramid?”
All I’ll say is, this never happened to John Beck’s Cambridge.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 Brighton (Welbeck 42)
Brighton are deservedly level. After good play from Kaoru Mitoma earlier in the move, Alexis Mac Allister’s cross is headed superbly past Kepa by the substitute Danny Welbeck. What a joy Brighton are.
Updated
League One
Sheffield Wednesday started the day on top of the table, but it looks like they are going to finish it outside the automatic promotion places. Plymouth won at Exeter in the early game, Ipswich are 2-0 up at home to Charlton – and now Wednesday are 3-1 down at Burton Albion.
Updated
Chelsea 1-0 Brighton
“I know that there is a cliché to name a duel between the sides after a player who represented both sides (i.e. Liverpool v Spurs - the Peter Crouch Derby),” says Admir Pajic, “but I think, given the circumstances, Chelsea v Brighton should be named the Brighton Derby.”
Chelsea 1-0 Brighton Evan Ferguson has been replaced by Danny Welbeck, the second enforced change for Brighton in the first half. It sounds like he twisted his ankle after landing awkwardly.
Updated
GOAL! Everton 1-1 Fulham (McNeil 35)
Dwight McNeil takes a pass from James Garner, turns and drills an accuarate low shot past Bernd Leno from the edge of the area. How Everton needed that.
Updated
Chelsea 1-0 Brighton Worrying news for Brighton and Ireland: Evan Ferguson is down and apparently in a lot of pain. I’m not sure what happened but it doesn’t sound good. Brighton play Man Utd in the FA Cup semi-final next week, and Ireland have a huge game in Greece in a couple of months time.
Everton 0-1 Fulham
“Rob, morning greetings from California,” says Mary Waltz. “Fulham are putting Everton to the lash. Other than Pickford the Toffees have not shown up today. Fulham are a quality team but lordy they are not the second coming of Fergie-era Man Utd, but Everton is playing as if they are. Sigh”
Updated
The Premier League table (as things stand)
| Pos | Team | P | GD | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Arsenal | 30 | 43 | 73 |
| 2 | Man City | 29 | 48 | 67 |
| 3 | Newcastle | 30 | 24 | 56 |
| 4 | Tottenham Hotspur | 31 | 14 | 56 |
| 5 | Man Utd | 29 | 7 | 56 |
| 6 | Aston Villa | 31 | 4 | 50 |
| 7 | Brighton | 29 | 15 | 46 |
| 8 | Liverpool | 29 | 15 | 44 |
| 9 | Brentford | 31 | 6 | 43 |
| 10 | Fulham | 30 | 0 | 42 |
| 11 | Chelsea | 31 | -1 | 42 |
| 12 | Crystal Palace | 31 | -11 | 34 |
| 13 | Wolverhampton | 31 | -17 | 34 |
| 14 | West Ham | 29 | -12 | 30 |
| 15 | AFC Bournemouth | 31 | -30 | 30 |
| 16 | Leeds | 30 | -15 | 29 |
| 17 | Everton | 31 | -21 | 27 |
| 18 | Nottm Forest | 30 | -30 | 27 |
| 19 | Leicester | 30 | -12 | 25 |
| 20 | Southampton | 31 | -27 | 24 |
GOAL! Spurs 1-0 Bournemouth (Son 14)
It was a late start at Charringtons but Spurs are in front. Ivan Perisic’s cutback found Son Heung-min, whose deflected shot beat Neto.
Updated
Chelsea 1-0 Brighton The right-back Joel Veltman has gone off injured for Brighton, who have battered Chelsea yet find themselves 1-0 down. Roberto De Zerbi has replaced him with another forward, Julio Enciso.
This Brighton team are the best thing that has every happened to anyone, ever.
GOAL! Wolves 1-0 Brentford (Diego Costa 28)
Diego Costa gets his first Wolves goal, belabouring the ball past David Raya from Toti’s cross.
Actually, replays show that an attempted clearance hit Costa and flew past the keeper. The result is the same.
Updated
League One latest
Burton 1-0 Sheff Wed
Ipswich 2-0 Charlton
And this is what it means.
| Pos | Team | P | GD | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Plymouth | 41 | 27 | 86 |
| 2 | Ipswich | 41 | 49 | 85 |
| 3 | Sheff Wed | 42 | 38 | 84 |
| 4 | Barnsley | 41 | 33 | 81 |
| 5 | Bolton | 41 | 23 | 71 |
GOAL! Everton 0-1 Fulham (Reed 22)
Harrison Reed puts Fulham in front at Goodison Park! It was a decent finish, low to the left of Jordan Pickford after Harry Wilson hit the post with an extravagant curler.
Updated
Chelsea 1-0 Brighton Brighton have been VARed again, apparently: Christian Pulisic handled the ball in the Chelsea area but wasn’t penalised.
Scottish Premiership: Hibernian 1-0 Hearts
Here’s more on the Edinburgh derby, which was settled by Kevin Nisbet.
Bundesliga: Stuttgart 0-2 Dortmund
“It’s not even halftime yet and Stuttgart are two goals and a player down, with Konstantinos Mavropanos picking up a second yellow,” writes Kári Tulinius. “This isn’t ideal in a relegation fight, but the fan in me gets a tiny bit of succour from Dortmund staying on the heels of Bayern. German football desperately needs a new champion.”
It’s half-time now, and Dortmund still lead 2-0. Bayern are 1-0 up at home to Hoffenheim.
Updated
League Two Kieran Sadlier’s spectacular free-kick has put Leyton Orient ahead at Sutton. They could be promoted today, though they need a number of results to go their way.
Chelsea 0-0 Brighton “If Evan Ferguson’s audition goes well today,” begins Niall Mullen, “in a couple of seasons he could be leaving Stamford Bridge.”
Given how sensible Ferguson (and his family) are, there’s more chance of you and me going to Stamford Bridge this summer.
Premier League latest
Aston Villa 3-0 Newcastle (FT)
Chelsea 1-0 Brighton
Everton 0-0 Fulham
Southampton 0-0 Crystal Palace
Tottenham 0-0 Bournemouth (3.15pm)
Wolves 0-0 Brentford
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Brighton (Gallagher 13)
Chelsea Football Club have scored an association football goal. Proven flop Mykhailo Mudryk ran 50 yards before setting up Conor Gallagher, whose deflected shot looped over Robert Sanchez.
Updated
Southampton 0-0 Crystal Palace Joe Aribo has missed an excellent chance for Southampton, or so my friends in the States tell me. Southampton will move above Leicester if they win today.
Chelsea 0-0 Brighton Evan Ferguson has hit the bar for Brighton, who have started at Stamford Bridge with their usual joie de vivre.
“Hey Rob!” says Peter Crosby. “Not trying to do you out of a job or anything but can’t you just outsource the 3pm kick off mbm to someone (like me) who’s based in the US? We have the choice of any of the games on Peacock. Not crowing about it, just saying it would be more illuminating than typing an approximation of what some men watching football and saying about the games. I’d like to put my hat in the ring for the gig.”
When you say you’re not trying to do me out of a job… (to be honest, I’d be very happy with that, because Clockwatches when you can see the games are bloody hard work. And when you can’t, they’re a veritable soul-crusher.)
Updated
League One Bad news for Duncan Ferguson and chums: Forest Green, who will go down today unless they win at home to Barnsley, are already a goal down. Slobodan Tedic is the scorer.
Bundesliga I swear to you, Donyell Malen has made it Stuttgart 0-2 Dortmund.
On this day in 1989…
Premier League latest
Aston Villa 3-0 Newcastle (FT)
Chelsea 0-0 Brighton
Everton 0-0 Fulham
Southampton 0-0 Crystal Palace
Tottenham v Bournemouth (3.15pm)
Wolves 0-0 Brentford
Wolves 0-0 Brentford David Raya has already made a brilliant save to deny Mario Lemina, it says here.
Peep peep! The 3pm games are under way.
Bundesliga latest
The top two are both a goal up after half an hour: Bayern at home to Hoffenheim (Benjamin Pavard the scorer), Dortmund away to Stuttgart (Sebastien Haller)
Chelsea v Brighton
There’s a huge banner – “WELCOME HOME SUPER FRANK” – to greet Frank Lampard as he walks out of the tunnel at Stamford Bridge. He last managed Chelsea on this ground against Morecambe in January 2021.
Updated
On this day in 2006… Dennis Bergkamp scores his final goal for Arsenal, a trademark tap-in.
The Chelsea managerial saga takes another twist
“I would not take the Chelsea job until Boehly promises not to be involved in football decisions...” writes Jeff Sax. “He is the cause of all the chaos.”
He’s a cause of a lot of chaos; not sure he’s responsible for all of it, though.
On this day in 2000… Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s finishing school.
“Why not stick with The Lane for Spurs’ ground?” asks Ben Hayes. “It’s only officially called the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium by chairman Levy who’s still holding out for top dollar sponsorship that nobody is prepared to pay.”
I’m a slave 4 u to the style guide, which says – here we go again – the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Then again, nobody in the office reads this nonsense so I can probably call it what I like. Might go with Charringtons for today.
On this day in 2000… Grimsby 1-1 Manchester City.
Chelsea v Brighton
“Is this Mudryk’s first league start?” wonders Zach Neeley. “I can’t imagine how it feels, especially at his age, to leave your country during wartime and go from the home team you came up in to sitting on the bench in a huge, strange new city. Even as an Arsenal fan who dislikes neck tattoos, I hope things turn out okay for him.”
Mudryk played a few games under Graham Potter, but it’s his first start since Potter was sacked. And yes, anyone who judges Mudryk based on a couple of months in an unfamiliar country, under three different managers, at a basket case of a club, and while his country is at war, has a fair chance of being a complete moron, an empathy void or both. It’s just banter though?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Updated
“Surely Technology is beating us worse than 1-0,” says Joe Pearson. “I mean if you tally it all up (internal combustion engines, digital computers, firearms, internet, etc), Technology is routing us.”
I see you’ve given it a capital letter as well, so that’s another one in man’s onion bag.
Spurs v Bournemouth The reason for the delayed kick-off is that Bournemouth were stuck in traffic and late to arrive at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.
I’ll tell you something for nothing: you have no idea how much my heart sinks every time I realise my poor fingers have to type ‘the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium’ yet again.
Full time: Barnet 0-0 Wrexham We’re covering the National League now, are we? Apparently so, and Wrexham are four points clear with three games to play after a hard-fought 0-0 draw at Barnet.
Wrexham had 10 men for the last 39 minutes after Callum McFadzean was sent off for tap-dancing on the keeper’s head.
Wrexham go down to 10 men as Callum McFadzean sees a straight red for this challenge on Barnet's goalkeeper! 🟥😳@TheVanaramaNL pic.twitter.com/7mPTEARP9u
— Football on BT Sport (@btsportfootball) April 15, 2023
Updated
Match report: Aston Villa 3-0 Newcastle
You’d have to pity anyone who used their fantasy league wildcard this week, sold Alex Moreno and didn’t buy Ollie Watkins.
Full time: Hibernian 1-0 Hearts ‘Juice’ Terry Lawson will be a happy man: Hibs have won the Edinburgh derby thanks to Kevin Nisbet’s second-half goal. They’re now only two points behind Hearts.
| Pos | Team | P | GD | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Celtic | 31 | 75 | 88 |
| 2 | Rangers | 31 | 46 | 76 |
| 3 | Aberdeen | 32 | -2 | 50 |
| 4 | Hearts | 32 | 2 | 45 |
| 5 | St Mirren | 31 | -6 | 44 |
| 6 | Hibernian | 32 | -3 | 43 |
| 7 | Livingston | 31 | -19 | 39 |
| 8 | Motherwell | 31 | -3 | 36 |
| 9 | St Johnstone | 31 | -18 | 32 |
| 10 | Kilmarnock | 31 | -28 | 28 |
| 11 | Ross County | 32 | -19 | 27 |
| 12 | Dundee Utd | 31 | -25 | 25 |
Spurs v Bournemouth: kick off delayed by 15 minutes
And I have nothing else to say on the matter, mainly because I don’t yet know the reason.
⏱️ Kick-off in today's @premierleague fixture against Bournemouth has been delayed until 3.15pm.
— Tottenham Hotspur (@SpursOfficial) April 15, 2023
Updated
Full time: Sheffield United 4-1 Cardiff
Sheffield United move closer to automatic promotion to the Premier League after coming from behind to thump Cardiff at Bramall Lane. The result also means Burnley can’t clinch the title this afternoon. But something (intuition? Expertise? A competent grasp of the bleedin’ obvious?) tells me they’ll manage it eventually.
Full time: Aston Villa 3-0 Newcastle
Aston Villa have continued their remarkable form under Unai Emery by hammering Newcastle at Villa Park. Ollie Watkins made one, scored two and was generally unplayable in front of the watching Gareth Southgate.
Full time: Cambridge 2-0 Peterborough A big result – and a surprising one – at both ends of League One.
All together now: the referee’s a… human being
In case you missed it, ho ho ho, Chelsea are looking for a new manager, and they’ve been speaking to one of Europe’s most exciting young coaches.
Meanwhile, in Scotland
“After Ross County lost to Aberdeen last night, and with Kilmarnock not playing until tomorrow, Dundee United can climb to the giddy heights of tenth with a win at Motherwell today,” writes Simon McMahon. “Having been in the bottom two virtually all season, and following on from a last minute penalty winner against Hibs last week bringing a first league win since 2 January, there may at last be some light at the end of the tunnel for United fans. Or possibly just an oncoming train, it’s hard to tell.
“Today’s other SPL games are Livingston v St. Johnstone and Rangers v St. Mirren, while Hibs are currently leading Hearts 1-0 with only a few minutes of the Edinburgh derby remaining…”
Full time: Exeter 0-1 Plymouth An excellent Devon derby win for Plymouth, who go top of League One for the next couple of hours at least. Matt Butcher scored the only goal with 20 minutes remaining.
⏰ Full-time at St James Park.#pafc | In partnership with @ZeusPlymouth pic.twitter.com/YishCZZVDB
— Plymouth Argyle FC (@Argyle) April 15, 2023
Updated
Some pre-match reading
Wolves v Brentford team news
☝️ One change from #WOLCHE.
— Wolves (@Wolves) April 15, 2023
🇪🇸 Sarabia into the starting XI.
⏩ Costa leads the line.
How we line-up to take on @BrentfordFC.
🐺📋 @AstroPay_OK pic.twitter.com/5kqJxDdJN4
🐝 Your Bees to take on Wolves#WOLBRE | #BrentfordFC | @bluejeansnet pic.twitter.com/WY1uX6DULG
— Brentford FC (@BrentfordFC) April 15, 2023
Tottenham v Bournemouth team news
Unchanged ahead of #TOTBOU 🔢 pic.twitter.com/Wj5pNWcNq0
— Tottenham Hotspur (@SpursOfficial) April 15, 2023
📝 𝗧𝗘𝗔𝗠 𝗡𝗘𝗪𝗦 📝
— AFC Bournemouth 🍒 (@afcbournemouth) April 15, 2023
🔺 Viña makes first start
🔺 Tavernier in from the off
🔺 Senesi back on bench
Our team for #TOTBOU 💪💪 pic.twitter.com/wZGyCXOFJ7
Southampton v Crystal Palace team news
UTS 👊
— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) April 15, 2023
The #SaintsFC side taking on #CPFC: pic.twitter.com/edNTrBEfoX
To take on Southampton 👊
— Crystal Palace F.C. (@CPFC) April 15, 2023
📲 @shophumm#CPFC | #SOUCRY
Everton v Fulham team news
Today's Toffees 🔵#EVEFUL pic.twitter.com/dYxfBOKoPn
— Everton (@Everton) April 15, 2023
Your Fulham! 🤍#EVEFUL pic.twitter.com/BEqi4jZP26
— Fulham Football Club (@FulhamFC) April 15, 2023
Chelsea v Brighton team news
Your Chelsea today! 🙌@ParimatchGlobal | #CheBha pic.twitter.com/0xM2NNCCuU
— Chelsea FC (@ChelseaFC) April 15, 2023
TEAM NEWS! 🚨 Here's today's starting XI to take on Chelsea. 📝
— Brighton & Hove Albion (@OfficialBHAFC) April 15, 2023
📲 https://t.co/S3j1TIedJv // #BHAFC ❤️🔥 pic.twitter.com/yk59q194Ez
“Hi Rob,” says Gary Stover. “Chelsea are not favourties at home v Brighton. Transfermarkt value of the Chelsea players is 1+ billion euros; transfermarkt value of the Brighton players is 358 million euros. Could it be that the Chelsea players are ridiculously overvalued?”
Either that or Chelsea have 474 first-team players, which pushes the cumulative value up a bit.
On this day in 1981… Spurs are on their way to Wembley.
Sum up the Championship in one word…
Technology 1-0 man
The constraints of having only two eyes, eight fingers and two relatively workshy thumbs means I can’t update you in real time on the hundreds of matches taking place this afternoon. But our live scores page can!
Updated
Half time: Aston Villa 1-0 Newcastle
In-form Villa gave Newcastle a minor hiding in the first half, and should be ahead by more than Jacob Ramsey’s goal. Enrich your existence by following the second half with Barry Glendenning.
Preamble
Whether you call it “squeaky-bum time”, “the business end” or merely “April”, we’re approaching the decisive point of the 2022-23 season. A permanent marker is starting to be used for confirmed promotions and relegations in the Football League, and everything is up for grabs in the Premier League.
The five 3pm games in the Premier League will be our main focus this afternoon, but we’ll also be keeping an eye or three on Germany (Bayern and Dortmund both play this afternoon) and the aforementioned EFL.
Championship
Burnley will be confirmed as champions if they beat Reading and Sheffield United fail to beat Cardiff in the early game at Bramall Lane (it’s 1-1 at half-time).
League One
Forest Green will be relegated if they fail to beat Barnsley.
League Two
Leyton Orient will be promoted if they beat Sutton and Bradford lose to Rochdale and Stockport fail to beat Gillingham and Carlisle fail to beat Northampton.
And these are those Premier League games I was going on about.
Aston Villa 1-0 Newcastle (12.30pm)
Chelsea v Brighton
Everton v Fulham
Southampton v Crystal Palace
Tottenham v Bournemouth
Wolves v Brentford
This is the table as things stand, with Villa 1-0 up at half-time.
| Pos | Team | P | GD | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Arsenal | 30 | 43 | 73 |
| 2 | Man City | 29 | 48 | 67 |
| 3 | Newcastle | 30 | 26 | 56 |
| 4 | Man Utd | 29 | 7 | 56 |
| 5 | Tottenham Hotspur | 30 | 13 | 53 |
| 6 | Aston Villa | 31 | 2 | 50 |
| 7 | Brighton | 28 | 16 | 46 |
| 8 | Liverpool | 29 | 15 | 44 |
| 9 | Brentford | 30 | 7 | 43 |
| 10 | Fulham | 29 | -1 | 39 |
| 11 | Chelsea | 30 | -2 | 39 |
| 12 | Crystal Palace | 30 | -11 | 33 |
| 13 | Wolverhampton | 30 | -18 | 31 |
| 14 | West Ham | 29 | -12 | 30 |
| 15 | AFC Bournemouth | 30 | -29 | 30 |
| 16 | Leeds | 30 | -15 | 29 |
| 17 | Everton | 30 | -20 | 27 |
| 18 | Nottm Forest | 30 | -30 | 27 |
| 19 | Leicester | 30 | -12 | 25 |
| 20 | Southampton | 30 | -27 | 23 |
Updated
