After watching Netflix parody The Woman In The House Across The Street From The Girl In The Window, it was hard not to laugh at Channel 5 ’s latest release.
The House Across The Street (yes, really) is not a spoof, it is just another version of a domestic thriller that we’ve all seen a million times before.
There’s a missing child, a single mother, a troubled past (or two), lots of curtain twitching, secret drinking, several suspects and much pensive staring into the distance.
Shirley Henderson and her distinctive breathy voice (she will always be Moaning Myrtle to me) is a reason to watch, as is Craig Parkinson, who steals every scene he’s ever in, but the plot is so thriller-by-numbers it’s almost funny.
Harry Potter star Shirley plays Claudia, a lonely single mum and the school nurse, who has just recovered from breast cancer. Her ex has a new partner and baby on the way and her distant 12-year-old son Rhys would rather live with them.
Desperate for meaning in her life, she becomes creepily involved when the seven-year-old daughter of her neighbours goes missing from the nearby playground.
There’s nothing more cheering than spying on the people in your street after a terrifying abduction.
Not only does she help with the search for schoolgirl Emily, but she’s printing out posters, organising vigils and fixating on finding the truth.
She obsesses over the teddy she left among flowers for Emily and runs over the road with casseroles, sneaking into Emily’s bedroom to steal her slippers for her own shrine. Weird.
Talking of which, there’s a nosy neighbour Joanne (Sara Powell), who has a shed full of scary Victorian dolls. I’m not quite sure where that’s going yet, but in TV thriller bingo, you can check that off. By the end of episode one, the abduction is a murder investigation. It all becomes a bit Broadchurchy at this point, with everyone a suspect.
Is Claudia a murderer or just mad? Could it be teacher George (Parkinson), who had a girl’s hair bands in his pocket and Emily’s bike in his boot?
What about the fame-seeking neighbour with the dolls, her husband caught cleaning his van, or the grieving mother, father or brother?
Why is Claudia’s son Rhys covered in bruises? Is it important that sickly schoolgirl Imogen painted a disturbing image of two little girls crying in the woods? Of course it is!
The cliches and red herrings are stacking up. As Claudia discovers George’s handwriting matches a strange sympathy card, she whispers: “Oh no.”
Oh no, indeed… there are two more hours of this.
