The Official Cannibal Corpse colouring book
The perfect gift for your sweet little nephew and niece this Christmas. Although given the amount of blood, guts and spilled entrails on each page, you’ll need to make sure they’re also well stocked up on red crayons. eyesoremerch.com, £13
The Bear apron
Will wearing this mean you can effortlessly knock out a cheesy crisp omelette? Or will it just mean your kitchen walls will fall down and you’ll have a nervous breakdown while locked in a freezer? Either way, with this apron emblazoned with the TV hit’s maxim “Every second counts”, you’ll look the part. etsy, £25
The National’s Sad Dad cap / Self Esteem’s 6Music Daddy cap
What kind of dad are you looking to buy a present for? A sad one? Or a 6Music one? Either way, his head can now be splendidly covered thanks to merch from these musical stars. americanmary.com and musicglue.com, both £20
Vintage Cinderella poster tea towel
Party like it’s 1999? How about dry the dishes like it’s 1948 – with this vintage poster from the Sadler’s Wells Ballet performance of the classic fairytale. shop.roh.org, £12
The Marina Abramović Method card game
These 30 exercises, designed by the performance artist queen herself, promise to “reboot your life” and include drinking water slowly and walking backwards with a mirror (but hopefully not asking your partner to aim a crossbow at your heart). shop.barbican.org.uk, £17
David Bowie’s Snowman scarf
Not just a lovely Raymond Briggs design but also the very garment that David Bowie wore himself while introducing the beloved Christmas cartoon about a snowman who comes to life. notjustclothing.co.uk, £20
David Shrigley music obsessive frisbee
Distract the music obsessive in your life by chucking the hilarious visual artist’s vinyl-flavoured frisbee around the park (alternatively might look quite nice on your wall). balticmill.com, £25
The Beatles official knitted jumper
Celebrate the last ever Beatles single Now and Then with this woolly version of the Fab Four in Santa hats crossing a frosty Abbey Road – especially chilly for Paul in his bare feet. notjustclothing.co.uk, £45
Van Gogh sunflowers vase
Modelled on the iconic receptacle itself, this handmade earthenware vessel will surely turn any living room into a masterpiece. shop.nationalgallery.org.uk, £150 (£120 for members)
Frida Kahlo jacket
Get that Frida feeling by letting a burst of colour into your life with this spectacular piece of clothing – fully reversible into an understated blue for when you’re feeling a little more introverted. monobrowshop.com, £150
Your portrait taken by Rankin
Ditch the drunken iPhone shots this Christmas and join Kate Moss, David Bowie and Queen Elizabeth II on the list of people to have had their portrait taken by the renowned British photographer. Available at his Carnaby Street pop-up shop in London. rankinswag.com, £500
Sarah Lucas Tits in Space T-shirt
Look your very breast with this item of clothing in celebration of the famously provocative artist’s current show Happy Gas. shop.tate.org.uk, £30
Full deck of writing ideas
Describe a scene without adjectives! Sum something up in just six words! A good shuffle of this pack of prompts for budding writers should unlock your inner Hemingway. shop.nationaltheatre.org.uk, £18
Shakespeare – as performed by cats
Friends, Romans, cat lovers! Here’s a fine selection of (occasionally quite grisly) Shakespeare scenes, as recreated by lovingly drawn moggies. Who knows, it may even answer your question: to flea, or not to flea? shop.shakespearesglobe.com, £8
Sutapa Biswas’s Housewives With Steak Knives apron
Rebel against domestic drudgery with this quite literally revolting piece of culinary clothing, featuring the British Indian artist’s picture of Hindu goddess Kali as a housewife who has beheaded dictators. shop.tate.org.uk, £35
Wasteboard
This funky skateboard is made from plastic caps collected at music festivals – making it the greenest way imaginable to perform an ollie. designmuseumshop.com, £250
Florian Gadsby tool roll
The craftspeople in your life may appreciate the celebrated potter’s bespoke and limited edition tool roll that comes in a wonderful turmeric fabric. yspshop.org.uk, £45
Little Richard beach towel
Good golly, Miss Molly, you sure like to bronze! Rip it up on every beach you visit with this garish pink towel that honours the architect of rock’n’roll. wackywacko.com, £41
Andy Warhol mug
Unlike your cuppa, this porcelain homage to the king of pop art remains effortlessly cool. Perfect for a Campbell’s tomato soup. trouva.com, £29
Taskmaster crackers
Fed up with shoehorns and miniature combs? Transform your Christmas Day experience with these crackers inspired by the game show packed with three tasks each (don’t worry, you still get a paper hat). taskmasterstore.com, £25 for set of six
Britney death metal T-shirt
From Madonna to Noam Chomsky, Cesspit Enema specialise in giving pop culture icons a gory metal makeover, our favourite being this Britney tee, available in black or white. cesspitenema.bigcartel.com, £23
Let’s Become Fungal! Mycelium Teachings and the Arts
Mushrooms are weird: they can kill you, work in a risotto or help you gain entrance to the seventh dimension. They are also a source of artistic inspiration, as this beautifully illustrated book by Yasmine Ostendorf-Rodriguez explains. waterstones.com, £27
Chandler Bing pyjamas
Could you be any sleepier? Pay tribute to the comic genius of the late Matthew Perry in the snuggliest way possible with these purple PJs laden with quotes from the Friends favourite. etsy.com, £48
The League of the Lexicon
Lovers of language won’t go languid if they receive this word-based game featuring 2,000 questions, such as: “Where does the term Big Cheese originate from?” It’s been recently updated with extension packs covering global words and slang. waterstones.com, £35
Millennium Falcon waffle-maker
May the salted caramel sauce be with you! Bring someone’s breakfast into the space age with this batter-baking replica of Han Solo and Chewbacca’s legendary fighting craft. desertcart.co.uk, £89
Classic Paperbacks jigsaw puzzle
Given that it has 1,000 pieces, assembling this collection of vintage book covers – made up of editions from the 1960s and 70s, lovingly recreated with creases and yellowing pages – may take longer than reading them. shop.bl.uk, £15
Craig Revel Horwood kitchen spoon
Look, this is what it is. It’s a wooden spoon. With Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood’s face engraved on it. You can even get your own message printed on the handle, so how about, “It’s a complete dahnce di-sah-ster, dahling”? Etsy, £8
Jeremy Deller’s Otis Redding tote bag
As the great man (Redding not Deller) almost sang: “These arms of mine / Are carrying / A tote bag / Which was my favourite Christmas present this year.” A limited edition accessory from the British conceptualist. houseofvoltaire.org, £18
Dacha cottages book
A dacha is a wooden cottage used by citizens of the former Soviet Union to escape from the city to the countryside. They photograph especially well in the snow, which is what makes this collection a suitably festive gift. fuel-design.com, £27
The A2D2
Whether it’s an old dusty vinyl collection you’ve recently rediscovered, or the latest Record Store Day release, this nifty gadget allows you to play your analogue favourites – including cassettes – through a smart speaker via WiFi. a2d2.net, £149
All prices correct at time of publishing
