If you listened to the watercooler chat after any episode of the current gripping series of The Celebrity Traitors, certain names would inevitably come up. Alan Carr’s, surely, with his extraordinary journey from sweaty bag of nerves to overconfident Machiavellian puppet-master. Likely Joe Marler’s, whose broad humour, terrier-like tenacity and accurate “big dog” theory won the hearts of a nation. Possibly Jonathan Ross’s (for his collection of sensational cardigans to rival Claudia’s); Celia Imrie’s (for her charming accidental flatulence); or even Nick Mohammed’s (for his staggeringly good puzzle-solving, bridge-crossing and laser-avoiding abilities).
One name you might not have heard is that of Cat Burns, the 25-year-old singer-songwriter selected as one of the game’s original three Traitors. She’s cool, calm, contained, composed; hidden in plain sight within a show packed full of huge, “bedazzling” personalities. Yes, Burns has faded into the background all series long, subtle as a shadow.
Where other celebrity contestants are loud, she is quiet – but never too quiet. Where the others forward ever-more preposterous theories, she holds back – right up until the moment it would look suspicious not to speak up, at which point she drops a succinct yet considered opinion in her soothing, resonant voice.
She pads between rooms in the castle, settles silently into a group and listens and nods with the inscrutable face of a seasoned poker player. In a world full of golden retrievers, Burns has some seriously powerful feline energy going on – and it has proven an exceptionally deadly secret weapon.
The result of her astonishingly stealthy performance, in fact, is that Burns has played one of the best games the show has ever seen. “Maybe there are people who are suspicious of me, but I haven’t given them enough to cling onto to put any heat on me,” as she put it in episode eight. In fact, before the most recent episode, Burns’s name had only ever been written down once on another player’s slate during seven round table votes – that’s how good she is.
Not that Burns has never had “heat” on her, to use the players’ parlance. But the nerve she displays under pressure further proves just how brilliant she is at this. One of Burns’s greatest moments came when Stephen Fry gently probed her about whether the fact she fell asleep in the middle of the day could indicate that she was up longer at night, plotting murders as a Traitor. Without missing a beat, Burns deftly shut down the accusation. “Just to explain myself there, I do have autism and ADHD, so when I’m around people a lot, it takes a lot more effort to really speak,” she responded. “Sometimes I just need time away.” Fry, suitably shame-faced, immediately backed off and thanked her for providing insight into neurodivergence. She was never accused again.
And, though Burns has made the surreptitious route look easy, playing the game as a Traitor using stealth tactics has never gone terribly well in the past. In season one, Irish student Alyssa Chan was banished in episode six, once fellow contestants started to suspect her quietness was more to do with strategy than personality.
In season two, events coordinator Ash Bibi was the most forgettable Traitor and the first to be voted out in episode five.
Though season three’s most successful and respected OG Traitor, Minah Shannon, made it further than most by taking a quietly confident approach, she still got the boot before the final.
“Flying under the radar” has never been a bankable strategy, in fact. But Burns has flown so far under the radar you’d need some kind of Nasa-grade equipment to spot her. And for that, regardless of the outcome of this week’s final, she’s the real queen of Celebrity Traitors (sorry, Alan).
