Oh, you shouldn’t have. No really, you shouldn’t have…’ Finding out what presents your family and friends received is part of the fun of Christmas; the perfect, the dull and, best of all, the dismal fail. My ‘add-on’ gifts of food bag sealing clips, allegedly for the third year running, made me the butt of many jokes. An error I rode out by saying, ‘Yeah but you can never have too many Clip-its!’
So it’s nice to hear that even celebrities have received their fare share of well-intentioned, but ultimately bizarre (a pink pigeon, anyone?), Christmas gifts. From the cute to the clueless, though, they all sound like they received them with grace and seasonal good will.
Our gift ideas for friends and gift ideas for couples will of course prevent you from making any gifting fails this year. But for now, sit back and enjoy a giggle at some of these howlers – I wish I’d been there to see their faces.
Racy underwear
“My favourite, funny Christmas gift isn’t actually my own,” begins singer-songwriter Joss Stone – but hear her out. “One year, my younger brother Harry gave my dad edible underwear for Christmas, clearly not understanding the purpose. All the adults laughed and the kids looked wholeheartedly confused!”
A tax bill
Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood reveals, “One Christmas, my friend from Australia sent me a tea towel with a picture of a bird on it – and I had to pay £20 import tax for it! It was obviously special to them, but not so much to me!”
A Thighmaster
“In 1992, my mum’s friend Margaret gave me a Thighmaster for Christmas,” says comedian Lucy Porter. “I was disappointed, but not surprised. Margaret was a devout Catholic with traditional values – and she worshipped fitness guru Rosemary Conley. I was aware of the Thighmaster – two bits of cushioned metal with a hinge – marketed to women as a way to eradicate lumps and bumps in the upper leg area.
"When I unwrapped it, I was faced with a split-second decision; I could either tell her I hated it, or embrace the gift and reject my feminist principles. My mama didn’t raise no fool, but she didn’t raise a spoilt brat either.
"I tore the device out of its box and said, ‘Oh Margaret! Thank you so much. This is amazing!’ Then I started pressing it between my arms and chest, saying, ‘This will help me get really muscular biceps and triceps.’ I felt like I’d made my point.”
A singing spatula
“My mum once bought me a spatula that played Christmas songs,” says singer-songwriter and presenter Fleur East. “I was like, ‘You bought me a spatula – why?’ Then there’s the fact it only plays Christmas songs so, at any other time of the year, I can’t use it.
"I think she was just going through a phase circling things in the catalogue. I didn’t have the heart to throw it away but I’ve never used it. Maybe I’ll whip it out this year!”
A roll of Sellotape
Author Sophie Kinsella says, “My children used to love wrapping up, so much so that one Christmas the youngest two, aged then six and four, wrapped up random objects and gave them as ‘presents’. I received a half-used roll of Sellotape, an old CD and a moth trap. Needless to say, I exclaimed in delight over each of them.”
A live pigeon
“Walking through Edinburgh in my first term at university with my new boyfriend, we saw some pink pigeons,” begins author Gill Sims. “I was most taken with them (at a distance) and remarked so. ‘We have some at home,’ he said. ‘You can bring me one back,’ I laughed, as a throwaway remark.
"I had forgotten about this conversation, until term started again and my boyfriend presented me with a box full of holes. Yep, inside was a pink pigeon. ‘I brought it on the train from Wales,’ he told me proudly. I was horrified. In the end, my friend and my boyfriend had to release the (fortunately homing) pigeon. Why couldn’t he have just bought me a book?”
A fashion paux pas
“It was the Christmas I’d just turned 14. I hoped Mum would give me money for clothes – I longed for a cool black baggy sweater, black trousers and black pointy boots,” remembers children’s author Jacqueline Wilson.
“Instead, she bought me a bright turquoise fake fur cape. I just about died. But I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, so I wore it all winter, even though I got called Batgirl, Swimming Pool and other less wholesome alternatives.”
Kitchen tool overload
“A few years ago, a memo must have gone around my family because – as a former fashion editor and lover of Prada – that year I got a blender and food processor from my mother and mother-in-law. When my husband presented me with a food vacuum-packer, I almost had a tantrum, only to be given one last gift, a necklace I had coveted.”
This article first appeared in the December 2023 issue of woman&home magazine. Some of the content has been updated for the website version, but the celebrity quotes are unchanged! Subscribe to the magazine for £6 for 6 issues.
