‘Sadie,” I say. “I would call our daughter Sadie. Or I like Leo for a boy.” I’ve been on the phone for two and a half hours, speaking about our hypothetical children to a man who has explicitly said that he does not want a relationship. At the same time, he’s said things like: “I told my mum about you. She wants to meet you.” When he makes those comments, I can’t help dreaming – in the words of a certain song – of us in a year: maybe we’ll have an apartment, and he’d show me off to his friends at the pier?
That’s the fantasy Chappell Roan imagines in her 2022 hit Casual. My own vision looks a little different: instead of a pier there is an apartment (where the now familiar sound of his key in the door still excites me), and his friends say things like: “I’ve never seen him act like this with anyone else before.” But crucially, in this fantasy, we’ve made a commitment to each other. The first time I heard Casual, I was in a committed relationship. I listened to it often, singing along loudly in the bedroom I shared with my boyfriend to “Knee deep in the passenger seat, and you’re eating me out”. (Roan was nervous about that line – “it’s crass,” she said – but fans loved it.) I also loved the song’s sense of unrequited yearning, but I couldn’t really relate to it. Not yet.
