Cancer may have robbed her of her mum when she was only seven years old. It may have taken away her breasts and two years of carefree, healthy living. But, insists young West Lothian woman Nicole Little, cancer will never take away her smile.
When, in the consultant’s room, Nicole was diagnosed with the same cancer that had claimed the life of her much-loved mum 20 years previously, she turned to her dad and saw his eyes well with tears. It was a moment that broke her heart.
Her recollection of a sick, sad woman holding her hand from a hospital bed is the only vivid memory Nicole has of her mum, Celine Mason, who lost her battle with breast cancer at the age of 32 when her little girl was only seven years old.
The innocence of childhood during these visits protected Nicole from what her mum, who was diagnosed in her late 20s, must surely have known to be the truth: she wasn’t going to be around much longer.
Said Nicole: “Now, I realise she was being strong for us. I can’t imagine having to leave your children behind, looking in their eyes, knowing they’ll have to deal with the loss. A mother’s instinct is to protect their children, so to think of my mum being in that position breaks my heart. At that time, I didn’t know much about cancer, just that it made her very sick. I was angry at the nurses and doctors for years because I didn’t understand how she could be given the all-clear then be told it had come back again.
“I genuinely thought they had missed something – but I guess I was looking for someone to blame and direct my anger at. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed that I realised it wasn’t their fault, it just happens.”
In July 2019, after discovering a lump in her right breast, a doctor broke the news to a 27-year-old Nicole that she had the rare triple negative breast cancer, which accounts for 15 per cent of breast cancers. For people who have it, hormone treatment and the targeted cancer drug trastuzumab (Herceptin) don’t work.
The first thing I said to the doctor was: ‘That’s what killed my mum.’ In that instant, I believed I was going to die, just like she had. I cried loudly for a while, as the doctor sat patiently waiting for me to digest what I had just been told. I then looked at my dad who had tears in his eyes – and my heart broke for him.”
Subsequent visits to a genetics clinic confirmed that Nicole had BRCA1 – the gene fault that can increase the risk of breast cancer within families.
“Determined to have a family of my own one day, but concerned the treatment may affect my fertility, I started IVF treatment,” explained Nicole, of Bathgate, who was watching her friends celebrate their pregnancies, their baby showers and the birth of their children.
“This stimulated the production of 14 eggs, which were then harvested under sedation and frozen for the future. There is only a 30 per cent chance my eggs will work. But, hey – 30 per cent is better than none.”
In August 2019, Nicole underwent surgery to remove the tumour from her breast. The following month, she embarked on a course of six chemotherapy sessions, which meant her long, blonde hair began to fall out in clumps.
“My dad shaved it for me, as it was too upsetting watching it come away while showering,” she said. “My dad, who is bald, always told me: ‘bald is beautiful,’”
Doctors dealt Nicole another blow with the news that, due to the altered BRCA1 gene, there was a 60 per cent chance she could go on to develop ovarian cancer.
“I made the decision to have my ovaries removed in January 2020. I found this difficult to deal with, as I knew I only had limited chances of becoming a mum,” explained Nicole, who whiled away the hours of treatment with jigsaws and books.
Hungry for information about her condition, she immersed herself in research. Determined not to lose contact and to ease her transition back to work, she visited her colleagues on occasion at the Scottish Ambulance Service depot in Queensferry.
“In March 2020, I had my double mastectomy and reconstruction. By this time, I was tired and was at my lowest ebb, but the end was in sight,” she said.
A few months later, she returned to work. But the anticipated feeling of relief at being back in a routine didn’t materialise for Nicole.
“I was tired all the time and had forgotten that, while I was in my own little bubble with treatment and fighting to stay alive, the world had kept turning and so much had changed,” explained Nicole, who said it took a full year before she finally settled into life after cancer, and felt happy once more.
Even though she was only seven when she lost her mum, certain things can still trigger emotions for Nicole, who grew up pretending that Mother’s Day was just another day – but one that, nonetheless, left her with a heavy heart. Becoming withdrawn and more upset in her teens, she’d give her nana a card on Mothering Sunday.
“She was like a mother figure to me,” says Nicole. “She didn’t replace my mum, but she did a great job at trying to make the absence of her just that little bit better.
“For years, I didn’t speak about my mum, as I was worried the other party would find it too awkward. But I wish I hadn’t had that mindset for so long, as this isn’t the case. If you want to speak about her, speak about her.”
And, to anyone who has lost their mother to breast cancer, Nicole advised: “It’s okay to be angry or sad. The person who carried you for nine months and brought you into the world is no longer here, and you will always feel a part of you is missing.”
Three years on from diagnosis, Nicole, now aged 30, is working as an ambulance dispatcher and, in the Spring, will take up a new post out on the road as an ambulance student technician.
But the physical and mental scars it left – and the constant worry it might return – means breast cancer continues to affect Nicole’s day-to-day life.
Although symptoms of early onset menopause have hit her badly, the heightened risk of breast cancer precludes her from taking hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
Alongside her career, her main focus is now on giving back to the charities that supported her when she was at her lowest.
“Breast Cancer Now helped me the most when I was unwell,” said Nicole, who is telling her story in the hope of supporting other younger women with the BRCA1 gene fault who not only face losing their breasts, but also their ovaries.
“They were a real lifeline. I found answers to all the questions I had, and reading other people’s stories made me realise there was a community full of people who knew exactly how I was feeling.”
Saying she still hopes, one day, to become a mum, Nicole said: “They can test embryos for the altered BRCA1 gene – but if it isn’t supposed to be, it’s just something I’ll need to deal with when the time comes.
“For younger women with breast cancer, there are no magic words that make how you are feeling go away. But, it’s important to know you’re not alone. Everything you are feeling is totally normal, but help and support is always available from Breast Cancer Now.”
She added: “Cancer takes away so many things, but you can’t let it take away your smile.”
To help Breast Cancer Now donate at www.breastcancernow.org/appeal/donate
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