At last, we meet again. As football rivalries go, England v France has been surprisingly empty. The men’s teams have met each other only twice in World Cup history (England won both) and last time out was in 1982, two days after the Falklands War ended. That sounds like — and is — a different age. As for the Euros, I think we can all agree not to mention 2004.
Instead, the teams we’re used to duking it out with on the pitch are by this point all too familiar. Following England has felt like watching an endless succession of games against Germany, Sweden and Argentina. But those rivalries (if one can have a rivalry with the herbivorous Swedes) feel exhausted and dormant. We finally beat the Germans at the last Euros, and now that they’ve gone out of the last two World Cups at the group stage, that formidable air of invincibility – and inevitability – they once had has evaporated. Likewise, with Argentina the footballing wounds — David Beckham getting sent off, that little Diego Maradona incident — have long since healed. We’ve moved on.
Fresh start
We’re in sore need of a new grudge match and with perfect timing comes Saturday’s quarter final.
France! Now there’s a rivalry we can really get our teeth into. There’s just a little history (revenge for the Hundred Years War anybody? No?), plus recent politics — our October Prime Minister Liz Truss tried to start a war of words with French President Emmanuel Macron, and Brexit of course (even if that’s mostly embarrassing, lame and awkward for all involved).
England go into the match as underdogs but not no-hopers. France have the brilliant Kylian Mbappé, who beat Sonic the Hedgehog for pace and is scoring goals for fun. Plus of course they’re the world champions. England, though, feel like a team on the up and a squad united — a world away from the poor 11 men who used to look so burdened by the shirt.
Yet a juicy contest and a rich history does not a rivalry make. We need dirty tricks and misbehaviour. The ultimate scenario for us rivalry-lovers, then, is a jammy, dodgy England win setting up decades of footballing beef between us and that old, sweet enemy. Give the people what they need, Gareth — and that’s a Hand of God moment. Only this time let that hand be ours.
