Firstly, a belated follow-up featuring the cockney accent from an American reader who wanted to meet a real cockney when he was in London a few years ago. Aware of the traditional definition of a cockney being "someone born within the sound of Bow Bells", he made a special effort to visit St Mary-le-Bow church, the source of the bells.
Of course, he got lost and asked directions from two London bobbies who were suspicious of him at first, but eventually helpfully pointed him in the right direction. To his delight it wasn't long before he was hearing the Bow Bells ringing out in all their glory.
However, while the bells were in good form, he was unable to find anyone with a cockney accent. Not a hint of "apples and pears", "whistle and flute" or even "Brahms and Liszt".
But not to worry, at least the bobbies were keeping up the fine tradition of answering the public's trivial enquiries. Years ago, it prompted the popular music hall song "Ask a Policeman" with the refrain "If you want to know the time, ask a policeman".
These days police have the London Tourist Board to thank for handling many of the daftest questions. Among recent enquiries have been "On what side of the Thames is Tower Bridge?" along with "Where is Harry Potter Street?" and "Where can I buy Mr Bean's teddy?"
Excuse me officer
The first time I took my wife to London we had been to the zoo in Regent's Park and were looking for Camden Town underground station. I told the wife that it was just a five-minute stroll through the park. After a 20-minute trek she was ready to mutiny.
Finally, we reached Camden High Street where I spotted a policeman and asked if he could direct us to Camden tube station. He looked at me as if I was a total idiot. He didn't say anything but simply motioned with his eyes and I looked up to see we were standing under a large sign which read "Camden Town Underground Station".
Nice timing
On a London phone-in programme, I recall a police officer relating his experience while patrolling in a southern town. He was pursuing a thief who had just robbed a supermarket and brought him down in the high street with a decent rugby tackle.
The culprit was a big fellow and continued to put up a fight. The officer said he was still grappling on the pavement with the crook when he felt a tap on the shoulder. It was an elderly lady who politely asked, "Excuse me officer, could you tell me the time?"
Saving Humphrey
Then there was the case of a man in Orpington, Kent, who nipped out of his flat and upon returning home was astonished to find his front door had been totally demolished.
Apparently, policemen had rushed to the flat after operators from a phone monitoring service said they'd received a call from the residence and could hear a woman whimpering. On arrival at the flat the officers could get no response so they broke in, destroying the front door.
Once inside the policemen were greeted by the sight of Humphrey, a large rabbit hopping around the room making loud whimpering noises. Humphrey had apparently tripped over the cord that calls the emergency services and the "crying woman" was the distressed rabbit pining for its carrots.
Helping hand
Thai police also occasional face odd enquiries from the public, sometimes in bizarre circumstances. Ten years ago, a Chon Buri police car was flagged down by two motorcyclists on a fairly remote road. The motorcyclists explained they had run out of fuel and needed help.
The police routinely checked the bikes' registrations. It turned out the two bikes had just been stolen that morning in Pattaya. The bikers were promptly arrested and later jailed.
There must be some moral to this tale although it doesn't immediately spring to mind, apart from if you steal something it might not be the best idea to ask police for assistance.
Pandora's box
Speaking of which, a man showed up at Bang Sue police station saying the box he was carrying on a bus journey from Udon to Bangkok had gone missing at Mor Chit bus station. The police investigated at the bus station and commendably located the missing box. They decided to check the box to make sure nothing had been stolen. When they opened it, they found it stuffed with almost six kilogrammes of high-grade opium.
The fellow who had sought police help spent the next 10 years in jail pondering exactly where he went wrong.
Hugging time
Important news from the US. The first Saturday in April (yesterday) is Hug a Newsman Day, which it shares somewhat uncomfortably with National Ferret Day. It is probably safe to say that journalists do not share a hug too often and to be honest most newshounds don't look particularly huggable.
Someone who was unlikely to be hugging journalists is former tennis star Martina Navratilova, who in her playing days had a fractious relationship with the media. On one occasion at Wimbledon she observed: "Sure, I know where the press room is -- I just look to see where they throw the dog meat."
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