An employee's unexpected act of kindness toward her boss led to a clingy and obsessive relationship. Years later, the employee struggles to set boundaries with her boss and fears for her job security.
The employee reached out to the "Ask a Manager" column for guidance on dealing with her overly attached director, Wanda. "[She] is extremely good at what she does, is fiercely loyal to her staff, and possesses a wealth of knowledge and insight about our specific work unit and about government in general," the woman said.
While the woman praised Wanda's professional abilities, she admitted that her director had a problematic personality. Wanda's lack of romantic experience and sheltered upbringing had led to an unhealthy dependence on her family and difficulty trusting men outside her circle.
A Clingy Boss: A Toxic Work Relationship
The woman was hired during a difficult time for Wanda, who was dealing with the declining health of her elderly parents. Having lost her parents, the woman was naturally empathetic and supportive of Wanda.
The year Wanda lost her last parent, the woman offered her companionship, support, and even family time. In addition to inviting her to social events, the woman shared personal advice, but Wanda soon realised that her kindness had backfired, leading to an unhealthy attachment.
Since she was invited to the Christmas gathering, Wanda has been hinting at a desire to be included in future family events. "I have worked very hard since then to ignore the hints, which, several years later, are still being dropped on a near-constant basis," the woman wrote.
The woman says she has stopped inviting Wanda to family events and has worked with others to rotate hosting duties, ensuring she's not involved in the guest list. While the woman tried to distance herself from Wanda, she was concerned about facing workplace repercussions.
"A few weeks ago, she came to my cubicle in a flood of tears with the news that her adored sister is 'selfishly' moving across the country to live closer to her children," the woman wrote. Wanda sobbed about feeling abandoned and asked the woman to become her surrogate family in the area.
"She expects to be included in family gatherings, all concert and theatre plans, and also made it clear that she'd like to go with us on vacations," the woman continued. She had no desire to adopt someone so "needy" into her family, especially when she would have to see her daily.
The Struggles Of Setting Boundaries
The woman noted that reporting the situation to HR was not an option, as her workplace was not confidential. Given the civil service system, firing people is nearly impossible, so the woman is not concerned about losing her job.
However, she realises that Wanda could easily make her work life miserable as her boss. The woman wonders if she should set clear boundaries between work and personal life with Wanda or if it is too late. She is concerned that she might have to invite Wanda to family events until one of them retires or dies.
One manager responded to the woman's dilemma by advising her to establish clear boundaries between her personal and professional life, even though it might be uncomfortable. The manager said that Wanda's situation was sad. Still, she was crossing all kinds of boundaries as her boss, and Green was right to want to re-establish a more professional relationship.
The manager suggested that the woman respond to Wanda's requests with sarcasm. For example, when Wanda asked to tag along on the woman's family vacations, she could say, "Ha ha, you're funny! Imagine if I really did adopt you and start taking you on our vacations — Bob (husband's name) would not be pleased!"
"If that doesn't get the point across and Wanda continues to indicate she wants to be included in everything you do, you'll need to move on to addressing it more seriously," the manager suggested. "To do that, I'd first express empathy for her situation, then clearly state you're not able to help in the way she's requesting while wrapping it all in a warm, friendly tone (since she's your boss and you're worried about staying on good terms with her)."
While having a positive working relationship with your boss or employees is possible, it is generally advisable to avoid mixing personal and professional life. Interacting with them as you would interact with your friends or family can create potential workplace tensions, even if the disagreement occurs outside the office.
"It's unlikely your boss is going to compartmentalise their frustration with you, so remember that your relationship outside the office is going to affect your relationship at work, too," Amy Morin, a psychotherapist, disclosed to FOX Business. "It's important to stop and think about what sort of boundaries you want to set beforehand."
Establishing boundaries is important to maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Failing to do so can lead to situations like the one experienced by a former employee whose boss demanded a detailed schedule of their weekend plans, including estimated durations for each activity, to justify why they couldn't work weekends.
Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy work-life balance, especially when dealing with demanding or overly attached colleagues. By establishing clear limits, you can protect your time and avoid potential conflicts in the workplace.
