Guto Harri: Good to see you again, sir.
Boris Johnson: And you Guto Boyo!
Harri: I thought you were going easy on the racism these days …
Johnson: I was only being friendly. And I have cut out the picaninnie, watermelon and letterbox gags.
Harri: I guess I’d better take the knee then. So I suppose I ought to ask. Are you going to be in the job long?
Johnson: (singing) I will survive! … I’ve got all my love to give.
Harri: Well I’d be careful about what you do with all that love, if I were you. It’s got you into a lot of scrapes in the past. I’ve warned you before about being sexually incontinent. Not that being sexually incontinent is a bad thing, of course!
Johnson: Chance would be a fine thing! I can’t move these days without a couple of plods following me. Do you remember the good old days at the GLA when I could slip off on my bike for some pole-dancing with Jennifer?
Harri: Try and concentrate. Back to my original question. How long do you think you’re going to be in Downing Street?
Johnson: Why?
Harri: It’s complicated … It’s like this. I’m still on the board of the PR company, Hawthorn Advisors, and I only agreed to come over to No 10 as I was told it was basically a holiday job. At worst, something that could take up a six-month sabbatical.
Johnson: I see…
Harri: The thing is, I’m only here for the laughs. Everyone knows you’re a goner. So I had assumed you did too…
Johnson: Er … no.
Harri: Right then. I’d better spell it out. Most of the country hates you. The only reason you’re still prime minister is because the Tory MPs are too stupid to work out who to replace you with. So I just thought it would be a bit of a laugh to take on the most impossible communications job going. Then when it all went tits up, I could go back to Hawthorn at double the salary.
Johnson: Could we at least pretend that you’re in it for the long term?
Harri: You mean, announce that I’m leaving Hawthorn for good even if I miraculously end up back there before the end of the summer?
Johnson: Yes! That’s exactly the sort of thing I had in mind.
Harri: It’ll cost you. I’ve got my reputation to think of. Can’t be seen to be taking a hopeless cause too seriously.
Johnson: I’m sure Lord Brownlow can oblige. But why am I paying you all this money?
Harri: Because I’m the only one stupid enough to take the job. Right? That’s sorted. OK so let’s try and do something about your image. Do you think you could get rid of the Toddler haircut? You’re beginning to look like a crumpled Donald Trump.
Johnson: Certainly not. The public love it…
Harri: Do they now? Not what I’ve heard. Well, we’ve certainly got to wean you off the cake and booze. How is your drinking these days?
Johnson: Much better. I now spill most of it.
Harri: That’s a start, I suppose. We need to persuade the country that everyone in No 10 isn’t simply coming in to have parties and get pissed…
Johnson: Then what will everyone in here be doing?
Harri: I dunno. I haven’t worked that bit out yet. I’m more of an image guy. Do the staff in No 10 have to do anything? It might actually be better if they just did nothing.
Johnson: Good thought, Guto. I’ll check in with Steve Barclay on that one. Now, how are we going to reconcile the fact that only a few weeks ago you were saying I was completely lacking in morality and that I should offer a grovelling apology for having been out of my head for most of lockdown.
Harri: Oh, I don’t think we need to get too bogged down in that level of detail. Thinking about it now, I might have overreacted a little. Besides which, it would be very off brand for you to apologise for anything. We need to play to your strengths. What is it that everyone knows about you?
Johnson: That I’m a stud. With … how many children is it now?
Harri: Park that thought. What else?
Johnson: Er…
Harri: It’s that you’re a liar, stupid. I mean, sir. Your USP is that you are pathologically unable to tell the truth. So we need you to double down on the lies. Keep denying you were at parties when everyone knows you were. Keep up the Savile lies on Starmer. Then everyone will be reassured you’ve got your mojo back.
Johnson: If you’re sure.
Harri: I am. Trust me. The thing is that I know you’re not a complete clown…
Johnson: That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me…
Harri: But the public doesn’t. They think you’re a total clown. So we have to show you have the integrity to demonstrate you’re prepared to sack anyone to hang on to your job. Even if it is only for a few weeks longer.
Johnson: Gotcha. Which just leaves Brexit?
Harri: So when are you going to admit you are an opportunistic chancer who never believed in leaving the EU?
Johnson: I’m sure I did…
Harri: You didn’t! I was with you when you were London mayor and back then you were an internationalist and pro the EU and the single market.
Johnson: I’m sure I never said all that. In any case, it’s all water under the bridge. I’m now going to appoint a minister to promote the benefits of Brexit…
Harri: Please don’t…
Johnson: Why not?
Harri: Because there aren’t any! It will be a disaster for Wales. But I guess we don’t really have to talk about Brexit as nothing much is going to happen before you go…
Johnson: Go where?
Harri: Don’t start all that again. Since you’ve got no morals, I’m sure I can manage not to have any too for a few months. Brexit is brilliant! There, I said it.
Johnson: Tremendous…
Harri: Now, I’ve done you a favour. Perhaps you could do me one. Would you be prepared to have another look at Huawei. They really aren’t that bad…
Johnson: I’ll think about it…
Harri: In the meantime, would you like a new handset? I can get you one with unlimited roaming for nothing. And the camera is fab.
Johnson: Something tells me you’re going to be right at home here.
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