Boris Johnson must complete a Met police questionnaire about his role in Partygate by today. A draft copy* of his replies reaches me in a brown envelope:
Q Where were you on the evening of May 15, 2020?
A At home in Downing Street with my dear wife Carrie, dealing with affairs of state.
Q Were you photographed swilling champagne in the garden with your mates?
A That wasn’t me. It was a Photoshopped picture of somebody else taken by traitor Rishi Sunak from the Treasury window. Ask Prince Andrew if you don’t believe me.
Q Did you attend parties in your flat, making speeches and living it up while Covid victims lay sick and dying?
A No, as I informed Parliament, no such events took place. Your source, Mr Dominic Cummings, is a liar. He gets it from me.
Q If you are issued with a fixed-penalty fine, will you pay up?
A Certainly not. My loyal friend and Tory Party donor, Lord Moneybags of Wealthtown, will foot the bill, just as soon as he’s finished paying for the wallpaper in my flat.
Q Do you deny attending several boozy farewell parties for rats leaving the sinking ship?
A I do. My wife forbids me to take part in ceremonies that harm animals (unless they are politicians who disagree with me).
Q Do you admit to hosting Zoom quizzes in Downing Street, which were fuelled by alcohol from the office fridge?
A No. My staff were engaged in work-related writing of jokes for me to tell at Prime Minister’s Questions. I was simply offering creative guidance, in my unique role as the Government’s chief clown.
Q Is there anything you would like to say in mitigation of your clear guilt in these matters?
A Yes. If any of you flat-feet have the temerity to give me a criminal record, you’ll follow your boss Dame Cressida out.
Q Would you like to apologise to the British people for your lies, wrongdoing and cover-ups?
A Apologise, what’s that? Don’t you know who I am?
* Just kidding – but it won’t be far from the truth.
GB left out in the cold
Team GB face return from the Winter Olympics with little to show, despite the £28million “investment”.
Still, they had a jolly good time in Beijing, living in “home from home” luxury with 70 sofas, and 40 flat-screen tellies – that’s almost one each – and PlayStation games consoles.
Let’s face it, Britain is not a winter sports country. It rarely snows outside Scotland, and competitors have to train on artificial slopes or go abroad.
Lancashire lad Dave Ryding, a gold medal hopeful in the slalom who came in 13th, at least had his feet on the ground when he said: “There’s more to life than the Olympics!”
Amen to that.
Yorkie barred
Buckingham Palace decrees that the Duke of York can keep his title. That is not the wish of the people whose city he purports to represent.
In a poll, 88% voted to strip the dishonoured Royal of his dukedom. He isn’t our duke. He isn’t entitled to his title. He should call himself the Duke of New York, where his sleazy friends live.
