It’s encouraging to see such a culturally diverse range of candidates vying to replace Boris Johnson as leader of the British Conservative Party. But no matter who finally moves into No. 10, Britons will still end up with a well-to-do Tory offering more of the same. Perhaps it’s time for the party to cast the net a little wider. Crikey satirist Tom Red takes a look at some of the leadership longshots.
Mrs Slocombe (Grace Brothers sales assistant)
Pros: Like Boris, Mrs Slocombe is a tragicomic icon with a penchant for double entendres and a fondness for cats.
Cons: She passed away in 2009, which in ordinary times would rule her out. However, her backers argue that John Major was essentially lifeless while in office, and after years of bonking Boris’ bacchanalia, British voters might be looking for a less frenetic leader.
Malcolm Tucker (coms director / Olympic swearer)
Pros: Knows where the bodies are buried. Colourful conversationalist. Solid grudge holder. Ethically ambiguous.
Cons: Malcolm’s spin-doctor schtick has been outstripped by a world where poetically violent death threats and omni-shambolic clusterfucks are business as usual, rather than très outré.
Vicki Pollard (well fit)
Pros: Vicki is an ethics-free dissembler with multiple children from countless partners and no discernible attention span. A seamless transition, in other words.
Cons: Outstanding warrants for shoplifting, “happy-slapping” and “giving the evils”.
Patsy Stone (fashionista / Stoli-Bolli enthusiast)
Pros: Would throw better Downing Street parties than Boris and could singlehandedly spearhead a retail recovery.
Cons: Very pro-Europe, as long as someone else is picking up the tab.
Thomas (tank engine)
Pros: A recognisable and trusted brand with extensive experience in public transport, industrial relations and navigating the class system.
Cons: Thomas and his workmates were privatised and asset-stripped by the original Fat Controller back in the late 1990s. Thomas is currently owned by Russian oligarchs and primarily used as a backdrop in niche OnlyFans videos.
Sid Vicious (nihilist role model / average bass player)
Pros: Would appeal to the UK’s crucial “call-that-a-recession-back-in-my-day-there-were-rats-the-size-of-cats” demographic.
Cons: Closely linked to Johnny Rotten, whose reactionary views and chumminess with Piers Morgan may turn off Tories to the left of Oswald Mosley. Also, like punk and personal integrity, Sid is dead.
Baldrick (manservant / turnip fancier / ideationist)
Pros: Always has a cunning plan.
Cons: The plan is always terrible.
Sybil Fawlty (Torquay hotelier)
Pros: Can deal effortlessly with the deaf, the drunk and the doddering, essential skills for the House of Lords.
Cons: Is the world ready for Basil Fawlty as Denis Thatcher? (Yes. Yes it is.)
