Sir Billy Connolly has hit a huge milestone as he turns 80 today after the Big Yin's hilarious patter and incredible one-liners have had us belly-laughing for decades.
Comic, actor, artist and much-loved superstar who has fans across the globe, Billy has inspired dozens of famous faces to try their hand at stand-up.
Earlier this year, he was honoured for an incredible career spanning more than 50 years with a BAFTA Fellowship. Sir Billy, who was knighted in 2017, was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2013 and retired from performing five years later, but has continued to record shows and appear on TV.
He's still on top form on the comedy front and recently teamed up with the BBC to give budding comedians top tips for a successful career.
In celebration of the big 8-0, we've pulled together some of his best loved jokes and one liners to get your sides splitting. Happy Birthday, Big Yin!
40 of Billy Connolly's most iconic jokes and one liners
"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on."
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter."
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
"A fart is just your arse applauding."
"A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand."
"Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you."
"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards."
"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!"
"Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?"
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time?"
"Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was How are you getting on?'"
"So have you heard about the oyster who went to a club and pulled a mussel?"
"You've made a happy man, very old."
"A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. 'Can you describe the symptoms to me?' 'Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*****d and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!'"
"I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound."
"When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight."
"What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?"
"When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"
"Bonnie Prince Charlie was the only man ever named after three sheepdogs."
"Oh wellies they are wonderful, Oh wellies they are swell, Cause they keep out the water, And they keep in the smell."
"People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?"
"I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white."
"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it's bollocks."
"People were saying there’s not enough food and too many people. Cannibalism is the obvious answer."
"I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a Rottweiler chase you home."
"Why do people say 'Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?' Dead right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?"
"A bird in the hand invariably s***s on your wrist."
“I used to be a folk singer but I was dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.”
"Why on earth do people say things like 'my eyes aren’t what they used to be.’ So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?"
[On the failed Glasgow terrorist attack] "I saw the whole thing on the news in New York and I thought I'd need an ambulance. I've never laughed liked it. F***ing eejits."
"Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace."
"Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!"
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
"A lot of people say it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***."
"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"
"My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test-tube baby."
"I've got Parkinson's Disease. I wish he'd f*cking kept it."
"I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning that can keep me awake for days."
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