A Belfast mum has spoken about the heartache of losing her twins born prematurely as a way of raising awareness of the impact of baby loss, and to let others know there is help out there.
Charlotte Pollock, 40, found out she was pregnant for the first time five years ago and was "completely shocked" to discover she was having twins. As the news started to sink in, she and her partner attended the 20 week scan, found out everything was fine, and they were going to have a son and daughter.
She said they were "excited and overjoyed" as they prepared to have their "perfect little family." However, a few weeks later Charlotte started to feel unwell, and attended hospital to discover she was in early labour.
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Later that night, Charlotte delivered her son and daughter, named James and Ella, who were "very premature and so tiny."
"They went straight to neo-natal, and seeing them for the first time in the incubators, I broke down. We were told there was a very high chance they were not going to make it," she told Belfast Live.
"Over the next six and half weeks it felt my life was on hold. After being discharged a few days later, I didn’t want to leave without my babies, I was so grateful I lived near and could get to the hospital easily.
"I was there every single day, some days it was very difficult to get myself out of bed, but I knew as a mother I needed to be there. The first 48 hours were crucial, we were relieved both made it through and were starting to have hope they would defy the odds."
However, Charlotte was soon to face her worst fear, as little Ella sadly passed away, with the loss of son James happening soon after.
She said: "I was so worried about Ella, call it mother's instinct but the Thursday before she passed I had this awful feeling and when I got the call the following Sunday from the hospital to come up as Ella was very poorly, I just knew this was it.
"Watching your baby die and feeling helpless is the worst pain any mother and father should have to go through, but the unfortunate thing is across the world this happens every single day. One good thing after what felt like more forever, I finally got to hold my daughter, something every mother takes for granted, even though I was so numb and things were such a blur, the minute I held her the love I had seemed to greatly intensify.
"We held off on having Ella’s funeral for a bit as we didn’t know whether James was going to make it. A typical day for me at that time was going to the grave to visit Ella and then over to the hospital to visit James, as silly as it sounds I felt guilty if I didn’t visit both of them.
"James fought really hard, after six and a half weeks of watching him fight for his life, through a lot of heartache we had to make the hardest decision I will ever have to make in my life, was to let him go.
"It has been without a doubt the most difficult period of my life, within the space of six and half weeks my life was turned upside now. The one thing that did provide me comfort was Ella and James were finally back together and I could finally start to grieve properly."
Shortly after losing Ella and James, Charlotte found out she was pregnant again. She said it sent her "anxiety levels through the roof," leaving her unable to function.
Charlotte said she wasn't able to enjoy her pregnancy, instead wishing she could "fast forward time and have a healthy baby in my arms." Although born prematurely, their daughter Emily arrived healthy and well.
"Of course she will never replace Ella and James but she has brought back so much happiness into our little family," she added.
"It’s now been over five years since we lost James and Ella, they are very much still part of our family and our daughter Emily who is now four is aware she has a brother and sister in heaven, she talks about them a lot and we visit their grave regularly."
Charlotte said the help of charities was invaluable in helping them with their grief. The year they lost their twins, she and her partner attended the Saying Goodbye service organised by the Mariposa Trust at St Anne's Cathedral.
This year, they will be attending the service for their first time with their young daughter.
She said: "It's unfortunate it's often left to charities to pick up the pieces but thank goodness they do. The year we lost our babies we attended the Saying Goodbye service, I think one of my relatives saw it advertised and thought it would be a lovely way for us to remember our babies.
"It was good to find out it was an annual service each year, it’s an opportunity for families to come together to remember their babies and I have to say we both got a lot of comfort out of attending it as we were still in the early days of processing our grief and loss.
"This year I’m looking forward to going to the Goodbye Service as this will be the first time the three of us will attend together, dedicated time to remember James and Ella."
This year's Saying Goodbye service will take place at St Anne's Cathedral in Belfast on Sunday, July 3 at 3.30pm. You can find out more about The Mariposa Trust by clicking here.
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