The question I feel as though, over the years, I’ve allowed setbacks to knock down all my pillars of happiness and now feel I just live among the ruins.When I was young, I read books where naive anti-heroes had funny experiences and I thought if I was open-minded, funny things would happen to me, too. I now realise it’s probably not how people experience life.Twenty years ago, I ended up on an art MA, but the main tutor hated me and refused to let me on to the second year. I’d been doing fun stuff that lots of people liked, but she managed to annihilate all my enthusiasm for art.Then one of my best friends just stopped talking to me and never told me why. It shook my feeling that friendship was a strong bond and since then people can be in my life, but I don’t hold on to them very well for long.A relationship ended after a lengthy court case and, since then, more than a decade ago, I have struggled to enjoy anything. Then I accepted a job where I was given minimal training, but was constantly berated for getting stuff wrong and after six months had a breakdown.
I know there’s a thing about not allowing people to have power over you, but it’s felt like a series of knockout blows. I want more out of life and I thought if I waited something would grow, like weeds do after you clear some ground, but nothing really has. How do I find my way to enjoyment?
