The question I feel as though, over the years, I’ve allowed setbacks to knock down all my pillars of happiness and now feel I just live among the ruins.When I was young, I read books where naive anti-heroes had funny experiences and I thought if I was open-minded, funny things would happen to me, too. I now realise it’s probably not how people experience life.Twenty years ago, I ended up on an art MA, but the main tutor hated me and refused to let me on to the second year. I’d been doing fun stuff that lots of people liked, but she managed to annihilate all my enthusiasm for art.Then one of my best friends just stopped talking to me and never told me why. It shook my feeling that friendship was a strong bond and since then people can be in my life, but I don’t hold on to them very well for long.A relationship ended after a lengthy court case and, since then, more than a decade ago, I have struggled to enjoy anything. Then I accepted a job where I was given minimal training, but was constantly berated for getting stuff wrong and after six months had a breakdown.
I know there’s a thing about not allowing people to have power over you, but it’s felt like a series of knockout blows. I want more out of life and I thought if I waited something would grow, like weeds do after you clear some ground, but nothing really has. How do I find my way to enjoyment?
Philippa’s answer I think you are beginning to realise that passivity and waiting for something good to just happen to you isn’t working and that you’ll need a new strategy. This is great, well done. The first step is to swap self-pity, which won’t work for you, for self-compassion, which will. It can be hard to tell the difference. This exercise may help.
Get a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. Head one column self-pity and the other one self-compassion. Under the self-compassion headline put the following: “Is constructive and promotes emotional resilience, self-awareness and growth.” Under self-pity headline write: “Is destructive and leads to a cycle of negativity, helplessness and emotional stagnation.”
Now think about how you talk to yourself about your life and what actions or inactions you are taking, and think about which column you’d put each element in. For example, doing something proactive to help yourself, like reaching out for help, would go in the self-compassion column. Focussing on a narrative where you feel uniquely wronged or afflicted and where you resent others, which leads to inward-looking rumination and a downward spiral, would go in the self-pity column.
It can be hard to know if we are indulging in self-pity or practising self-compassion, but it’s important to learn the difference. Here’s an example: when facing a failure at work, you might say, “It’s OK. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ll learn from this and do better next time.” Rather than, “It’s not fair I wasn’t trained right.”
The aim of the exercise is to become more aware when we are indulging in self-pity, so that we can tweak how we think about ourselves and transform our coping mechanism from pity to compassion. Don’t slip into shame or blame when doing this (pity behaviour), but congratulate yourself when you identify your self-pity (compassion behaviour).
The emotional tone of self-compassion is kind and warm, and includes proactiveness to alleviate your own suffering and a sense of connectedness to others. Self-pity involves feelings of helplessness, resentment and isolation, which lead to depression and overwhelm. Instead of allowing your feelings to be all of you, develop an observer part that watches you have the feelings and the depressing thoughts. Then you will not be swamped by them, because a part of you is observing rather than being them. This fosters a more balanced view of your own circumstances and a sense of perspective, whereas self-pity lacks perspective and leads to rumination and a distorted view of reality.
It’s natural to want to focus solely on the negatives in our lives, but if we overlook the things that we have got going for us, which we can be grateful for, we will not be allowing those things to raise us up. You are looking for more – more enjoyment, more purpose – and these are great aims, but don’t overlook what you already have.
We sometimes like the idea of something and then the reality of it means we were mistaken, and that’s OK. Keep experimenting with what might bring you purpose and joy, rather than waiting for things to land in your lap. In a nutshell: swap passivity and blame (self-pity) for proactiveness and self-responsibility (self-compassion). You’ll find you’ll like your life more and other people will like you better, too.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
