Everybody makes mistakes — and you don't have to beat yourself up over them. But glossing them over, in an exaggerated confidence called toxic positivity, stops you from growing from your missteps.
Mistakes are golden opportunities to grow. They help you see better results and be more willing to take chances. But this only happens if you mentally accept your error. And using false positivity as a form of denial robs you of a chance to improve next time.
That's often easier said than done. People tend to go into denial — often under the guise of being positive — when mistakes pop up.
"Americans are relentlessly optimistic," said Gwen Moran, a Wall Township, N.J.-based leadership expert with leadership skills website Bloom Anywhere. "But we risk veering into toxic positivity, where we're unable to look at the mistakes we've made and (make the necessary course corrections). That erodes trust because people don't know when we're being truthful."
Own Up To Shortcomings To Skip Toxic Positivity
She cites "Ted Lasso," the Emmy-Award winning Apple+ TV show as an example of avoiding toxic positivity. The fictitious American football coach takes charge of a British soccer team. But he admits mistakes and apologizes. Lasso is an effective leader because he's honest, even when it's painful.
Facing up to mistakes, rather than just pretending all is well, "builds trust," Moran said. And trust is what helps your team persist, even following a mistake.
When people know they have each other's best interests at heart, it's easier to admit mistakes and apologize. In the show, Lasso openly admits his shortcomings — his lack of experience, his in-game panic attack — to his team and the media.
"Even though we have these vulnerabilities, it doesn't take away from our leadership potential," Moran said.
Own Up So You Can Learn
Mistakes provide good opportunities if they're not simply brushed off in a fake way, says Bill Treasurer, Asheville, N.C.-based founder of courage-building firm Giant Leap Consulting and author of the upcoming book "Leadership Two Words at a Time."
"If a mistake is honest, has clear logic, is nonrecurring and was ethically made, it creates a learning lesson," he said.
CEOs know this, too. Treasurer pointed out that Eastman Chemical CEO Mark Costa once said if a person in leadership thinks they're always going to be right, they should quit because they're going to be wrong at times.
Apologize When You Commit A Mistake
To avoid toxic positivity, share the lessons you've learned from mistakes you've made.
"That involves vulnerability and humility," Treasurer said. "That humility is necessary to leadership because it's so relatable to others. That takes a certain type of courage."
Create an environment of psychological safety where people feel comfortable sharing opinions.
Glossing over mistakes is a mistake. But while accepting missteps, it's still wise to reframe them as opportunities so you can move on, Moran says.
Lasso accepts failure, just not in an overly optimistic way. When the team hit a rough stretch, Lasso told players they were in the midst of a dark forest and "fairy tales don't end at the dark forest." He assured them things would work out, even if not how they hoped.
"That's such an important lesson for organizations," Moran said. "Even when things look dark, let go of expectations and do the work, keep your purpose in mind and rally your team around you."
Open Up To Build Trust And Banish Toxic Positivity
Telling stories of past mistakes roots their likely outcome in reality. That helps others see how mistakes are accepted and viewed as learning opportunities. But be careful how you frame them. Casting your role too positively can dilute your message's effectiveness.
"Too many leaders make themselves the hero of the story, where they come in and save the day," Treasurer said. "It's far better for a leader to tell a story where they got it wrong. It absolutely makes people trust you more."
