Dear Mr. Dad: My parents divorced when I was a teen, and I had a difficult relationship with my alcoholic father, which impacted my self-worth and adult relationships for years. Now, as a stepfather, I see my young-adult stepson dealing with similar issues—especially feelings of disappointment and anger—around his deceased birth father, who was also an alcoholic. From what I saw, my stepson’s father “mailed it in” as a parent. My wife’s analysis is far less charitable. How can I help my stepson avoid the pitfalls that I encountered without seeming like I expect him to fail, or speaking ill of his dead father?
A: There’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s start with the basics: Your stepson needs you to be there for him as a dependable, interested and emotionally available father figure. This isn’t going to be easy, as many (most) young (and old) men have a hard time opening up about the issues you brought up in your question.
As you experienced, children of alcoholic parents are more likely than other children to suffer from low self-esteem, feel isolated and behave impulsively; they often have difficulty trusting others in relationships — especially romantic ones — and are especially prone to abusing drugs or alcohol themselves.
