Dear Anna,
I’m a woman in my early 30s. I’ve been with my partner for almost five years. His mom passed away a few weeks ago from a long battle with cancer. I saw the video tribute you made about your dad recently and so thought you might be able to help me with this. I'm feeling a bit lost on how best to help him through this difficult time. This is a significant loss for him and I want to be as supportive as I possibly can.
It would be really great to hear any experiences, techniques or practices that you think could help him. My main concern is to provide comfort, understanding and emotional support. Any advice would be much appreciated. — Seeking Solace
Dear SS,
My deepest condolences to your partner for his loss. Even though my dad died four years ago, sometimes the grief still hits so hard and fast, it’s difficult to breathe. Sometimes I don’t know how I ever found my way back from those early dark places.
We talk so little about death as a culture that many of us (myself included) feel completely unprepared for it when it happens. It's wonderful that you're looking for ways to provide emotional support to your partner during this difficult time.
Here's some advice and some resources you may find helpful:
—Simply be there: An important aspect of supporting your partner is your physical presence. Even if you say nothing, just your being there sends a message of love and care which provides comfort. Physical touch and affection, if he’s open to it, are also a wonderful way to express your support.
—Respect their way of grieving: Everyone grieves differently due to their unique emotional responses and cultural background. Some people shut down, some cry or eat or drink, some can’t leave the house, some crave sex, some crave aloneness, some want to be distracted by dumb videos on their phone. Some want all these things all at once. Avoid telling him how he should feel and respect his emotions and actions (within reason), even if they seem unusual to you. Clinical psychologist Dr. Christina Hibbert's YouTube channel has many resources on understanding the grieving process that might be helpful to you (or your partner).
—Encourage self-care: Grieving can be physically as well as emotionally draining. Encourage your partner to eat healthily (or at all), get enough sleep and engage in some physical activity. This often means you’ll be doing the grunt work here — making meals or ordering takeout, compelling him to go for walks or exercising, or setting an example by going to bed early. People who are grieving often struggle to make everyday decisions and the best thing someone can do is help make those decisions for them — again, within reason.
—Be patient: Grief isn’t something we move on from. Ever. The intense pain lessens, of course, but when someone you love dies, you don’t ever “get over” it. Instead, the loss becomes you, woven through your synapses like tapestry, like a coat you can never shrug out of. So be aware that grieving is a long and erratic process and can't be rushed. Recognize that your partner may have good days and bad days — and good moments within the bad days and bad moments within good days. This podcast episode "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" has some great insights about being a witness to grief.
—Listen actively: Active listening means showing empathy, understanding, and genuine interest when your partner talks about their feelings or memories about his mom — also put your phone away. This guide by TED on listening can help you learn how to be an active listener.
—Suggest other sources of support: If your partner's open to it, a grief support group (whether in person or virtual) can be helpful for some people. It’s not everyone’s box of tissues, however, so don’t push it if your partner doesn’t express interest in attending one.
The book that I found to be the most helpful in my grief journey was: "It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand" by Megan Devine, which offers many suggestions for supporting someone through loss — as well as many salient examples of what NOT to do.
This TEDx video by Kelly Lynn also offers insights into what not to say — “Everything happens for a reason” and “It was God’s plan” are two of the big ones — plus powerful advice on the subject of supporting someone in their grief.
I hope these suggestions and resources serve as a starting point in your journey in supporting your partner during this challenging time. Always remember, the most important thing you can do is be there for him, let him feel what he’s feeling and let him know he’s not alone.
Take care and stay strong, SS.
