Dear Anna,
My partner and I have been together for a little over three years. Our relationship developed from an incredibly close friendship to more because she was there for me in a dark time, and I for her. About a year ago she found a new best friend who is completely reliant on her in every way. My partner is the most loving, selfless and caring person in the world and is happiest when giving to others. It is one of the things I love about her. But I can't kick my jealousy.
No one ever teaches same-gender couples how to navigate close friendships. My partner recently found out some scary news from her family and didn't tell me for a long time but told her best friend immediately. She sleeps there almost every night and when I try to be there for her she tells me she'll only take out her frustration with me. I don't know how this happened but I feel like I've lost her and that I am not her person anymore. Should I keep trying to win her back or step aside? — Sad Lady
Dear SL,
I’m not surprised you’re experiencing jealousy. I would too if my partner slept at someone else’s house even one night a week (!). And if said platonic friend was “reliant on” my partner in “every way” (!!). And if she was withholding important news from me, but not her friend (!!!).
These are all valid, worrisome scenarios, and from an outsider’s perspective, it seems like your partner has checked out of your relationship and stepped into another one. (Is this a pattern for her? I can’t say for sure, but the fact that your own relationship developed from an intense, close friendship is possibly unsettling.)
You’re right that queer people can have friendships that muddle the lines when it comes to intimacy, affection and time — I wrote a whole column about it — but in this case, it’s pretty darn clear that your partner’s friendship is crossing a lot of unhealthy lines and is seriously impacting your relationship.
Some big changes need to be made here, SL, and they involve communicating (and enforcing) better boundaries, unflinching honesty and some serious Needs Talks.
Let’s start with the talks.
What, if anything, have you said to your partner about your concerns and needs? If the answer is “not much,” that’s OK. It’s difficult to express your needs when you’re conflict-averse (which many of us are, myself included). But step one is to lay it all out for her. Tell your partner everything you’ve told me. (Hell, read it to her, if you need to!) Tell her you can’t keep going this way and you won’t. Tell her you’re feeling deprioritized and that you’ve “lost her.”
Best case scenario
If, after these talks, she reassures you that you are still “her person,” tells you that your relationship is important to her, and that your needs and desires are valid, then you can start to work together to make some reasonable friend boundaries — like with sleepovers, for starters. Seriously, why does she need to camp out at this girl’s house while you’re at home every night, a perfectly available big spoon? How did that even happen?
Ultimately, you’re the best authority on your boundaries, so you know what’s acceptable for you and your relationship. But a general guiding principle is that good boundaries are based on our values. So, for instance, if you value spending time with your partner, then be firm about her being home with you more nights a week than not.
Think about where your firm lines are, what you absolutely won’t accept, as well as areas that have more wiggle room. Then ask yourself why. Knowing why a value is important to you will help you stay firmer when a boundary is pushed.
That’s the other important part of this. Your boundaries will be tested. Again and again and again. Change doesn’t come easily or readily, and in many cases, if a person has spent months or years engaging in a certain behavior, that’s not going to stop overnight. So be prepared for pushback and that you’ll need to reiterate your boundaries repeatedly.
This will be uncomfortable. It’ll be painful. Meaningful change always is. But it’s the only way real transformation happens.
It also helps to plan ahead for difficult conversations like these, or role play with a friend if you can. Thinking about what you’ll say in advance (or writing it down) will help you feel more prepared and confident in your decisions.
Worst case scenario
If, however, you have these talks and state your boundaries and your partner makes (more) excuses, dismisses your concerns or refuses to make any changes, then it’s time to make the painful, heart-wrenching decision to let her go.
TL;DR: Don’t prioritize people who won’t prioritize you in return.
You deserve to be with someone who’s there for you, who treats you like a partner. As the great writer James Baldwin said, “You’ve got to tell the world how to treat you.” And if you do tell them and they don’t listen, then you have to have the strength to walk away.
