Dear Anna,
I’ve been best friends with, let’s call her Jan, since we were freshmen in college. We’ve seen each other through many highs and lows. About two years ago she met, then quickly married this man, let’s call him Stan. I’ve never liked Stan but have made efforts to be civil and give him the benefit of the doubt for Jan.
Well, that all changed a few weeks ago when Stan hit on me at a party Jan was hosting. And not your garden variety pickup line either — he told me he was in love with me! Even though we’ve barely spoken and the feeling is obviously not mutual. I told my boyfriend about this, but haven’t yet broached the subject with Jan because this will devastate her. I’m afraid also that if I do tell her, she won’t believe me, and I’m sure Stan will lie about what happened to cover his own ass. What should I do here? — Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear BRHP,
I’m so sorry that happened to you. How awkward and inappropriate.
When it comes to confessing the sins of others, I tend to fall on the side of “not my business,” and leave it alone. But there are, of course, exceptions to this rule, and in this case, the welfare of your best friend (and your friendship in general) are more important.
You need to tell her what happened, and soon. If a few weeks have passed already, don’t dawdle much longer. It makes sense that you were in shock at first and needed a little time to process, but the time to act is now.
The worst-case scenario is that Jan will decide to believe her crappy husband over you and your friendship will dissolve. It’s sad but it does happen. If that is what comes to pass, then that’s not on you. You’ve acted with integrity and compassion in a difficult situation. (I know that doesn’t make it easier, but it’s still important to remember when the fog clears.)
However, I think you owe your best friend the benefit of the doubt here. You’ve loved and supported each other for years, and have seen each other through the highest of highs and lowest of lows.
We have to trust that our love is stronger than our fear.
So be honest with her. Do the scary thing. And hope that this is another instance where you’re reaching a hand down and pulling each other up once more.
Dear Anna,
I (38-year-old queer woman) met another woman on a dating app. The problem is, we’ve been hanging out for two months now and no one has made a move! Have I been friend-zoned, and if so, is there a way out of here? — Friend In Need
Dear FIN,
Maybe! The only way to know for sure, however, is to do the scary thing (column theme!) and either make a move or ask her outright.
I know, I know. You’re scared. Rejection sucks, but it’s not worse than the agony and confusion of wondering whether you’ve been dating someone for two months or are just friends.
So be a little brave. Take her hand, lean in for a kiss during a movie, or simply ask the next time you’re slated to hang out, “Hey, is this a date?” If she says yes, then hoorah! If she says no, then rejoice anyway! You’ve spared yourself the anxiety of endlessly ruminating and can now move the eff on.
Humans are bad at anticipating how something is really going to make us feel. We tend to think bad things will affect us SO MUCH, but really, we are super good at adapting to situations and moving on. There's a 2007 paper about breakups from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology that is a great example of how we think we’ll feel so much worse about a bad event (in this case, a breakup) than we actually do.
As someone who’s been rejected countless times (sometimes spectacularly and publicly), I can tell you that I now think of these rejections 0% of the time. They don’t impact my life at all. Because I’ve moved on. And so will you. I mean, hopefully you’ll move on to the sloppy makeout phase, but if not, you’ll be fine either way.
Now go do the thing!
