Are you the only person your boyfriend can discuss his problems with? Are you entirely responsible for your husband’s social life? Have you become the go-to shoulder to cry on for your male friends? And are you getting pretty tired of it all?
A new paper from Stanford University has a diagnosis for you: ‘mankeeping’.
“Theorizing Mankeeping: The Male Friendship Recession and Women’s Associated Labor as a Structural Component of Gender Inequality,” by Angelica Ferrara and Dylan P. Vergara was published in the journal Psychology of Men & Masculinity.
Ferrera and Vergara define mankeeping as the “labor that women take on to shore up losses in men’s social networks and reduce the burden of men’s isolation”. The academics coined the new moniker in reference to kinkeeping, defined in 1985 by sociologist Carolyn Rosenthal to encompass all the ways women work behind the scenes to keep extended families together.
Essentially, mankeeping is any emotional work women do to bolster their male partner, friends’ social support – without reciprocity. It could be reminding the men in your life to call his friend or organise a boys’ trip. Encouraging them to talk about their stressful day at work then checking in regularly, at the expense of discussing your own hard day. Becoming a confidant and providing advice without receiving any in return.
It’s become such a common issue that it’s entered popular culture. The paper cites Man Park, a 2021 sketch from Saturday Night Live featuring Pete Davidson where woman bring their men to a park to socialise, like you would with a pet dog.
Looked at individually, it’s the kind of emotional “work” that people do for their friends and family all the time. The problem, Ferrera and Vergara suggests, is that it is overwhelmingly left for women to do because men can’t seem to do it for each other.
The authors, who are based at The Clayman Institute for Gender Research at Stanford, looked at research from the US, UK, Western Europe, Canada, and Australia and found evidence suggesting men’s social networks have become heavily reliant on the women in their life – particularly their romantic partner.
We’re now in a “male friendship recession” according to a recent report from men’s mental health charity Movember, with a hefty 47 per cent of men reporting they couldn’t talk about a problem to a friend. Even if straight men do have other men in their networks, they tend to be surface-level and structured around activities, leaving the deep meaningful conversations to be had with romantic partners or female friends.
And this loneliness doesn’t cut equally down the gender lines. While women’s social networks don’t rely on men, men’s now very much do rely on women. If women have a problem, they tend to go to their friends and family as well as their partner, whereas men will rely solely on their partner to be their sounding board.
This imbalance could leave women feeling burnt out, Ferrera and Vergara suggested. “A lack of reciprocity in cross gender problem sharing may foment women’s sense of burnout or frustration with men’s emotional needs, though this remains untested,” they wrote.
Men don’t struggle to maintain close emotional bods with other men because of some difference in their biology, the paper is clear. Rather it’s the “stringent ideological barriers that men face in the formation of non-romantic socialties.” Basically, men are afraid their same-sex friends will think them weird, gay or weak for confiding in them. Because women are socialised to cultivate emotional intimacy, they’re left to pick up the slack and provide a psychologically safe space for men.
But, as Ferrera and Vergara point out, men need just as much social support as women. It can be the difference between life and death, literally. Having deep and fulfilling bonds with other people is more important than diet and exercise if you want to live longer, studies suggest. The loneliness epidemic isn’t just a mental health issue.
While men benefit from having the women in their life pull all the weight emotionally, it’s not as beneficial for women. It’s a drain on their time and their own mental health, and can contribute to a negative experience of the relationship. Ferrera and Vergara cite studies that found women who felt they put in more emotion than men reported lower levels of loving feelings in their relationship, and if married were more likely to divorce their partner.
It’s not a one-size-fits-all theory for every relationship – the authors note that sometimes roles can be reversed, with men providing the majority of unreciprocated emotional support. And there are signs that younger generations of men could be becoming more comfortable with emotionally intimate relationships with other men, especially as the stigma around homosexuality lessens.
Ferrera and Vergara hope that by naming the issue, and encouraging further study, psychologists can reach a more holistic understanding of the negative impacts of the male loneliness epidemic on everyone – and find solutions. “We look to a future where boys and men can create and sustain connection in ways that are unencumbered by rigid masculine norms,” the conclude, “and where the meeting of men’s social and emotional needs does not depend on women’s unpaid and unequal care work.”
So men, call your friends. Women are tired – and it’s better for you than hitting the gym.
