Yes, yes, it’s achieved the impossible: brought back watercooler terrestrial TV, united the UK’s viewing habits, healed our divided nation. But more importantly, The Celebrity Traitors has given us a lens through which to look at life. Currently, the only conversation worth having is what you think you, whoever you’re talking to, and all your friends and family members would be like as contestants on the show. It’s a quick-smart way to evaluate society, a new shorthand. Describe a stranger as having “Faithful energy” and there are surely about two humans on these islands who wouldn’t understand exactly what you mean.
Can you handle the truth, though? It was a poignant moment on my journey of self-acceptance when I was forced to acknowledge that I’d be terrible as both a Traitor and a Faithful. However, confronted with most of the people who know me best being absolutely certain, laughing through tears at the idea of any other outcome, there was no getting away from it. The accusation was levelled that I would jump out of my skin and squeal if my shoulder was touched at the initial roundtable, meaning my Traitorhood would be over before it had begun, which was futile to deny. I suggested I might try to make the squeal seem like a double bluff – which was met with further amusement. Apparently my poker face is even less convincing than I thought. I’d make Richard E Grant look like a slick covert operator.
